


Within The Lyrics

by writersunblock



Series: My Mentor (Parts 1 and 2)/Within The Lyrics [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 15:17:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 86,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4671446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersunblock/pseuds/writersunblock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to My Mentor.  You'll really want to read that before reading this story!</p><p>I hate tagging things!  haha</p>
            </blockquote>





	Within The Lyrics

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the sequel to My Mentor. So you'll want to read that before reading this story. Again, this was moved over from my Wattpad account and was a chaptered fic , so the breaks in the story might be strange....enjoy!

Prologue:

“It’s been a little over a year Lou. I’ve moved on. I know you are trying to help your best friend and I get that but could you also be my friend and support me?”

“Ni, it’s just that…well…Harry misses you so much and he knows what he did was wrong. Niall he is really sorry. You know that. And you also know that you and Harry are meant to be together.”

“I know he is sorry. I understand that but like I’ve said, I have moved on and he really needs to do the same. You saw us, Lou. You know that towards the end, things changed. He made some mistakes that I am sure he wants to take back but he can’t and I was more hurt than I ever thought I could be.”

“Please just give him another chance” I shook my head at Lou, silently telling him that I wasn’t going to.

“At least just talk to him, please. Niall he isn’t ok. He needs you.” Lou takes my hand and holds onto it tightly. Pleading on behalf of his best friend. I hate seeing Louis so upset. I sigh.

“I’ll talk to him. But I am doing this for you. You are one of my best friends and I hate seeing you so upset. But I don’t want you to think that this will change anything between Harry and me, because it won’t. I have moved on and am happy. You know he is a great guy Louis.” Louis huffed at my statement knowing he couldn’t disagree.

“Well regardless, you are meant to be with Harry. Not him.” He scowled. I slightly laughed at his pathetic attempt to convince me. “You have only been with him for three months and you were with Harry for three years. Harry can’t be replaced in your heart that easily. I know you still love him and don’t try to deny it.”

“I’m not going to deny it, Lou. I do still have love for Harry. He was my first real love and I’ll never forget those amazing three years and even the last six months of those three years, that were filled with stress and hurt but I spent many months healing my heart after it was broke in pieces and found someone that makes me smile again. I just turned twenty two. I am still really young and I am having fun. I deserve it. Who knows if this relationship will last but I do know that I am enjoying myself. Harry should be too. He isn’t getting any younger. He’ll be twenty seven in a month. He needs to move on.”

“Niall” Louis says in sadness.

“I said I’d talk to him. I still have his number and I’ll text him later and set something up for next week.” Lou squeezes my hand and displays a soft smile.

“Thanks, Niall.” I nod and stand up from the table at the café we are currently in.

“I gotta go. I’m meeting..”

“Yeah, yeah…your boyfriend. I know, Niall. Just go.” He states interrupting me and waving his hand in a dismissive manner. I roll my eyes and place a kiss on the top of his head.

“Bye, Lou. Love you”

“Love you, too, Ni.”

 

~THREE YEARS OF MEMORIES~

 

“So Harry and Niall, when did you two start dating?” The interviewer asked. It was the first interview since we came out to the public a month ago.

“After the show ended we kept seeing each other around because he moved to London and we would hang out and it just developed from there” Harry lied but convincingly. We held hands and smiled at one another. 

“What’s next for the both of you?”

“I’ve recently finished writing my new album and it should be released by the first of the year. And there is a tour in the works but nothing has been set in stone yet.” Harry replied and the interviewer smiled and looked to me for my answer.

“I’ve been meeting with a few different record labels and some have shown interest. I just want to make the right decision for my career. I’ve also been writing a bit.”

“Well we all wish you the best with your careers and happiness in your new relationship”

“Thank you” we replied in unison.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“Happy one year anniversary, baby. I love you so much.” I kissed Harry with all the passion I had in me for six in the morning.

“Happy anniversary” he smiled. “I love you too. Now come on. We don’t want to waste our anniversary inside of this hotel when we could be enjoying the amazing sites of Fiji.” He placed another kiss on my lips. I smiled in return.

“This vacation has been the best gift ever, Harry. Thank you so much! I’ve got your anniversary gift all planned out for tonight. I’m sure you’ll enjoy unwrapping it!” I said with seduction and wiggled my eyebrows at him. He smirked and pulled me in for another kiss.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

“I miss you so much baby. This past month has been horrible” I whined into the phone.

“I know babe. I hate not seeing you every day. But there is a break after the American dates and I’ll get to fly home to see you in just two weeks. Be excited about that.”

“I am, baby really. I just wish that I had some time to fly out there to be with you.”

“I know, Niall. But you have been working so hard on your album and I couldn’t be more proud of you. Did the label tell you when they are going to release it?”

“Yeah the first of October. I tried to get them to push it back a couple weeks that way we could go on a vacation or something to celebrate our two year anniversary on the thirtieth of September but they said no. I’m really sorry, babe. We will just have to stay in London and do something small to celebrate.”

“Don’t be sorry, at all, baby. That is so amazing! You should be so proud of yourself.” Harry replied and I could tell he was smiling brightly.

“Did you like the music I sent over to you so far? What do you think?” I asked wondering what he thought of what I had recorded thus far.

“Honestly, I love it. It is definitely you. You’re voice has gotten so much stronger, babe. You sound incredible.”

“Thanks, baby. I love you so much. But Liam, Zayn and Ryan are coming by in a few minutes to hang out so I’ve got to let you go. I can’t wait to see you!”

“Me too! I miss you so much and love you with all my heart, babe. Have fun tonight. Say hello to them for me.”

“I will. Say hello to Lou for me.”

“Absolutely. I love you. Bye”

“I love you, too. Bye”

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“Are you glad your tour is over?” I asked Harry as we are lying in his bed after a date night.

“Yea. I’m tired to be quite honest and I’m happy to be home with you.” He kissed my lips. I rolled onto my side facing him. I kissed his lips gently.

“One week until our second anniversary. These two years have flown by so fast.” 

“I know” He replied and stroked his hand gently across my cheek. “What do you think we should do?”

“Not sure. It kinda sucks that I’ll be so busy with the promotion and we really only have our anniversary night free to celebrate it and I begged so much to even get that day off.” I replied.

“I know and I am very thankful. I have the best gift in mind. I hope you like it” He smiled.

“I will love anything from you, baby. You know that. It still sucks though. I’m leaving for the U.S. tomorrow to promote the album and I’ll be gone four days and then I come back here on Monday and start promoting. I even have a signing on Wednesday afternoon. So I can’t meet up with you for our anniversary dinner until after that. And then the album is out on Thursday and a few more promotion events over here and then back to America for a week. We are both so busy. And it is going to get even more crazy starting in the new year because you’ll be touring again and I have my own tour that starts in April and…” he places his fingers over my mouth to stop my rant.

“Don’t worry about all of that. You focus on your promotional tour and how amazing your first headlining tour is going to be and don’t stress about us, ok. We are going to be perfect like we always have been. We have made it through so much already and we will be able to make it through our busy schedules. Nothing will break us. You know that and I know that. So cheer up, yeah?” He gives me a goofy smile and gets me to let out a little chuckle.

“I love you, Harry, so much.”

“I love you, too, babe”

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“It’s a rare opportunity that we get to have both of you in the same room together. Your schedules are crazy right now.” 

“Yes, very. But the Brits were two nights ago and we both still have a couple days off before he goes to America for promotions and I start my tour rehearsals.” I replied to Nick as both Harry and I are interviewed for his radio show. Harry smiled at my response.

“Speaking of Brits” Nick began. “Congrats go to you Niall. You won for British Single and British Breakthrough Artist and I’m sure there was some tension at home after because you beat your boyfriend in the British Male Solo Artist category.” Nick and I started to laugh.

“Hey!” Harry exclaimed. “I’m right here!” He faked being shocked and the laughed. “No. I was so proud of Niall. He is just so amazing and I am in awe of all that he has accomplished so far. But I am just gonna mention that I did win for Best Album. So, top that babe!” We all began to laugh. Harry placed a kiss on my cheek and it was an over exaggerated kiss that I am sure the listeners could clearly hear through the radio.

“Alright, well onto the personal stuff.” Nick stated excitedly. “You two live together now, correct?”

“Yes” I smiled. “Last September, towards the end of it, Harry asked if I would move in with him.” I couldn’t obviously say that it was part of my two year anniversary gift because according to everyone, except those closest to us, we started dating in July – ten months after our actual anniversary date. 

“Were you nervous he was going to say no, Harry?”

“A little bit but I mean really, who could resist this face.” He joked in reply and I shoved his shoulder. “Honestly though, he did leave me hanging for about five minutes so I guess I was a little nervous that he would say no.”

“But I didn’t” I smiled.

“Thankfully” Harry replied and he squeezed my hand.

“So what’s next for you both, musically and personally?”

“I’m just gonna focus on preparing for my tour over the next few months. It starts in April and runs through August. I’m really excited about it.”

“You have a close friend as your opening act, correct? Ryan Chandler.” Nick states.

“Yes. Excited about that! Ryan and I became good friends during the X-Factor. Same with Liam Payne and Zayn Malik. We have all stayed really close. Liam and Zayn have been doing great things in music and Ryan recently got signed and I thought it was a great opportunity for him to come on tour with me and promote his upcoming album.”

“Well, Harry. You must be proud that all of the boys you mentored are doing big things in the industry.”

“Yup! I’m like a proud papa!” He joked. “But seriously, Niall, Liam and Zayn have been smashing it so far and I’m excited that Ryan has finally been given his shot. He is really talented and a really wonderful guy. So sweet.”

“So you and Ed are going on tour, right?” Nick asks Harry.

“Yeah. We start in New York at the end of April and our last date is in Sydney in September. Should be a really great tour and we are really excited to begin.”

“Your schedules are gonna keep you two away from each other for quite a while. How do you think you’ll cope?”

“Skype” we both say and look at each other and laugh. 

“Ni and I have adjusted to our busy life styles and make it work no matter what.” He smiles at me and I pat his leg.

“Alright, well that is all the time we have. Thank you for being here and good luck with the upcoming tours, the both of you.” Nick states, finishing the interview.

“Thank you” we reply.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“I miss you, Harry. A lot. I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in ages. I know it’s only been about a week and that we are both really busy. I just wish you could find a few minutes to call me back. I hate leaving these messages. I do love your texts. I arrive in Miami in about three hours and I am wide awake, so call me when you get this. I hope you are having fun in Sweden. I love you, baby.”

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“Niall, c’mon. Please answer your phone. I know I was a jerk and I’m sorry. I just hate being so far away from you and I got grumpy when I saw the pictures of you, Liam, Zayn and Ryan out having fun. I so want to be with you and I am jealous that Liam and Zayn got a break and came to see you and Ryan gets to see you all the time. It’s July and I have only seen you a handful of times since we both left in April. I’m really sorry and I love you so much, baby. Please call me back.”

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“I just don’t understand why he is looking at you like that, Harry. I mean his arm is around your shoulders and yours is around his waist and he is seriously looking at you like he is in love. It’s all over the papers babe and I have been completely bombarded by all of this negative press.”

“I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that, babe. But you know that nothing is going on. I went to his football match in Melbourne last week and we just ended up chatting. And I think that in the picture he was trying to say something to me and that is why he is looking at me. Rohan is just a friend.” Harry replies trying to comfort me. But it isn’t really working.

“I’m just stressed is all, I guess. I have one week left of the tour and then I’m home by myself for two weeks waiting on you to come home from Australia. I’m just frustrated because I am stressing about the fact that we barely talk and haven’t seen each other since the middle of July but you seem to be out having fun with your friend Rohan without a care in the world.”

“Niall, really. C’mon. You know it’s not like that. You think that I like see all the pictures of you and Ryan hanging out. Not particularly. But I don’t question you about it.” His tone is changing and I can tell this conversation is going nowhere.

“You know Ryan is one of my best friends. He is one of your friends, too. You know him. That’s the difference here. I don’t know Rohan or his intentions with my boyfriend.” I state frustrated.

“You are being ridiculous, right now. I’m gonna go. I’ll just talk to you this weekend. Love you” 

“Yeah, fine. Love you too” I sigh and end the call.

I toss the phone next to me on the couch and felt the cushion dip down beside me. I don’t bother looking up. I keep my head buried in my hands.

“I’m sorry Ni. You know I’m here for you, right? You can talk to me about anything or we can just go out and do something fun. De-stress.” Ryan rubs my back gently and tries to change my mood. I finally look up at him and smile.

“There it is!” He beams and pokes his finger into my cheek. I bat his hand away and laugh.

“Let’s go cause some trouble, pull a few pranks on the crew. What do you say?” 

“I’m in” I reply and he smiles bright and pulls me up off the couch and we exit the dressing room.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“I’m going out with Zayn and Ryan tonight. Probably just to a pub or something. Might see if we can get in to the Hudson Taylor show. Do you want to go?” I say as I am pulling on my jacket. Harry is on his phone, not really paying much attention. He waves goodbye and then puts the phone to his ear. I take that as a ‘no’.

“Rohan! What’s up, mate?” I hear Harry say as I close the door to our home.

 

“What is all of this?!” Harry yells as he tosses a paper at me while I am trying to eat breakfast. I roll my eyes at him and glance at the paper.

“It’s Zayn, Ryan and I at the Hudson Taylor show on Friday night.” I replied nonchalantly. 

“I just got home from tour and you would rather go out with Ryan and Zayn instead of spending time with me?”

“It’s not that big of a deal. I asked if you wanted to go but you couldn’t be bothered. You were too busy talking with your friend, Rohan” I used air quotes around the word friend; partly because it their relationship bothered me and partly because I wanted to make him upset.

“You’re such an idiot, Niall. Jesus. But why is Ryan all over you?” I looked at the picture again and Ryan’s arm was around my waist and his head was resting on mine while we both smiled at the camera.

“You are ridiculous.” I am suddenly not hungry anymore and I get up from the table and not so gently, place my plate and fork in the sink and push by Harry.

He grabs a hold of my arm, tight, and yanks me back.

“We are not done discussing this.” He forcefully states and his grip is getting tighter. “You are my boyfriend and he shouldn’t be all over you like that and you shouldn’t let him be, either.”

“You are hurting my arm Harry, let me go!” I demand and tug my arm from his grip. I hold onto the top of my arm where his hand has just been and begin to rub the pain away. I am wearing a tank top and you can clearly see the red finger marks that were left from his hand. Touchy things, bruises, are for me and Harry knows why. I just look him directly in the eyes and he knows what he did but instead of apologizing, he walks out the door.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“I just don’t know what to do anymore. We don’t really communicate; he always comes home late and usually falls asleep on the couch. I am busy in the studio and he is looking into developing new artists for his record label. We are just so busy and we have no time for one another but when I try to make an effort to spend time with him, he usually passes it up saying he is busy. ” I say softly as I am sipping my tea. Liam, Ryan and Zayn look at sympathetically at me.

“You guys are just going through a rough patch, right now. You’ll pull through it. You just need like a really good date night or even a weekend away. I mean, when was the last time you two went on vacation together?” Ryan states.

“Our third anniversary at the end of September.” I state. Liam and Zayn obviously knew our correct anniversary date but Ryan also knows now that Harry and I were dating during the X-Factor and when I told him a few months ago he said that he always figured there was something going on but didn’t think it was his place to question it. 

“We went to Paris for a couple nights, you know. We had a great time but he had just got back from tour like two weeks before hand and I knew he didn’t really want to travel anywhere and we were fighting all the way up until we left and then we just kind of pushed everything under the rug for the three days that we were there. As soon as we got back home it just went back to the way it was before we left. And that was over a month ago and it hasn’t gotten any better.”

“I’m really sorry, Niall.” Zayn says. I just shrug.

“Where is Harry right now? You could be hanging out with him instead of us, you know.” Liam comments.

“He is actually at the studio. He’s gonna be there all day. He told me this morning that he was working with the new group, supposedly these four girls are suppose to be the next big thing. I told him that I would be out with you guys for lunch and I asked if he wanted to join and he said that he would be too busy.” They continued to look at me with sympathy, not saying anything in response. 

“Do you mind if I cut this short? I just want to go home.”

“Of course. No problem. I’ll drive you to get your car at the shops.” Ryan offered. We had met earlier at the mall and then we all drove over to this café in his car so we wouldn’t have to take separate cars.

“Thanks but I think I’d like to walk. It’s only a few blocks away.” I reply. I just wanted to be alone and walking home would clear my head. “I’ll have Harry bring me to my car tomorrow.”

“Ok.” Ryan says and pulls me in for a hug. I receive a hug from Zayn and then from Liam as well. By this time we are out in front of the café. 

“It will get better, Niall. I have hope for the two of you. You and Harry are well, Niall and Harry. You can’t say one without the other.” He says as he pulls away. The boys nod in agreement.

“Thanks, Ry. I hope so. I’ll catch up with you guys in a few days, yeah?”

“ Yeah. Bye” They all said in one form or another.

“Bye” I wave and begin my walk home.

 

I am in the kitchen and hear the front door open. I look at my watch and it is only one thirty. Harry isn’t supposed to be home until at least six or seven tonight. I stay still and quiet and I begin to hear voices.

“…..not home. His car isn’t here. He’s still out to lunch with our friends. Said he won’t be back until around three” I catch the last half of his statement. Who is he talking to?

“You seem to be spending a good deal of time apart.” The Australian accent coming from the man gives it away immediately that it is Rohan. Harry brought Rohan to our house when he clearly knows how I feel about him. And what is he even doing in London. Harry never mentioned that he was gonna be here. Also, Harry obviously lied about where he was going to be today. I don’t trust Rohan. It is so obvious that he likes Harry. 

I hear the television cut on. Luckily from where I am in the kitchen, you can’t see me from the couches in the living room. I decide that I want to continue to listen.

“Yeah, I guess. We have just been fighting all the time. We barely saw each other all summer because of our tours and I guess maybe we started to drift apart.” He said it like it doesn’t really bother him and here I am with tears in my eyes listening to the hurtful words coming from his lips.

“Maybe you should take a break. I mean, do you even still love him?” My stomach drops and I wait for Harry’s answer.

“I do love him but I don’t know if it’s the same anymore.” My heart breaks at that moments and I do everything in my power to bite back the sobs that want to rise from my mouth. I let the tears begin to fall.

“Well, I can’t say that I not happy about that” My blood begins to boil as his Aussie accent falls from his mouth. 

“What?” Harry asks.

“Well, isn’t it obvious? I mean we have been spending a lot of time together. I have flown up here a bunch of times since you left Australia to see you. You must know that I like you and I am guessing that you have some sort of feelings for me otherwise Niall would know about all of the times I have come up for you. He would know I am here right now. He would know that you have been with me all day.”

I take a deep breath. Rohan is actually right on that point. Harry has omitted that little detail. I have only known of Rohan coming to visit once and it was because he had a charity football match up here.

“I know.” Harry’s voice sounds depressed and I am breaking into a million pieces. I don’t want to hear anymore. Just as I walk from my hiding place I hear the leather couch cushions make the sound of someone moving on them. I make it to the opening to see Rohan with one hand on Harry’s lap and his other on the back of the sofa around Harry. Harry isn’t moving forward or back. He does honestly look shocked. I see Rohan leaning in. Harry still isn’t moving. Rohan is closer, closer and their noses gently touch. Harry’s widened eyes are now closed as he lets out a sigh, almost like he is agreeing to a kiss. Well that certainly isn’t going to happen. Harry is not going to follow through with cheating on me in my own house. On the couch that Harry and I picked out together. On the couch that Harry and I have made love countless amounts of time.

“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?” I state firmly with my arms crossed and tears falling freely from my eyes.

Harry jumps up immediately and just stares at me with guilt in his eyes. At least it appears, given Harry’s actions and Rohan’s words, that nothing has ever happened between them before and that is somewhat comforting but something would have happened, clearly, if I hadn’t have been here to stop it.

“Niall….I….” I held my hand up to stop him. I didn’t want to hear it. I looked at Rohan.

“You can leave now” I said and glared. He picked up his coat and slipped it on. 

“I’ll call you later.” He whispered but not soft enough because I heard. He gently ran his fingers down Harry’s cheek and left.

I walked by Harry and went right to our room to start packing. That was the last straw.

 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

 

“It’s only been two weeks Harry. Of course I’m not dating anyone. What kind of person do you think I am? Do you really think that little of me? If either of us were going to be in a relationship so quickly after our split, it would be you. After all, catching your lips within centimeters of Rohan’s was what caused me to leave. You were going to cheat. Your mind was made up. You were letting it happen.”

“But I didn’t cheat on you” He said forcefully. 

I agreed to meet Harry at Louis’ request. I honestly wasn’t ready to see him again. I was still angry and heartbroken and have spent the last two weeks hidden out on Zayn’s couch; crying, failing my attempts at sleep, working when I needed to and trying to locate a new home for myself.

“You would have kissed him Harry if I didn’t stop it. You know that. Don’t lie to me and tell me you weren’t going to. I heard everything that was said and I saw it all. Who knows what else you would have done. You’ve also been lying to me regarding your whereabouts for the last couple months. Rohan has been here multiple times to see you and I only know of one visit you had with him. So that means that you told me you were doing something else when in actuality you were with Rohan.”

“I’m sorry Niall. We can get past that. I didn’t kiss him.”

“It’s not just that Harry. Like you said, it’s not the same. It’s not just the fact that you were about to cheat on me. It’s all of the fights, you ignoring me, you getting more and more aggressive and yelling way more than you use to. You know I don’t care for that type of behavior for obvious reasons. And then you basically consenting to kissing Rohan and whatever else would have followed….You broke my heart Harry, I watched it all happen and I can’t be around you. It hurts too much.” I stand up from the chair in the living room that Harry and I spent so many happy times together. Being here, in the place that just two weeks ago was our home, is killing me. 

I make it to the entry way right before the front door before he stops me. He grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the wall and holds me there.

“Harry, please let go. You’re hurting me.” I struggle to say because tears are falling from my eyes and whimpers are coming from my mouth.

“No. You aren’t leaving me Niall. You’re mine.” He forcefully pushes his lips on mine and in that instant I freeze. I’ve never wanted to hear those words again and coming from Harry, whom I love more than anything, it hurts more than I can even comprehend. I slide down the wall and wrap my arms around my legs and begin to cry into my knees.

“Baby” His voice is much softer and he is by my side in an instant and is holding me tight and placing gentle kisses on the top of my head. Apologizing after each kiss.

“I can’t believe you would say something like that to me.” I stutter out. I am trying to calm down but the task seems almost impossible. 

“I love you, Harry. So much that it is killing me to do this, but we really can’t be together anymore.” He starts to sob as I pull away from his arms. I place a kiss on his head and slowly pull myself up. I walk out the door, not looking back even though the sounds of Harry’s cries are getting louder. It is hurting me in immeasurable ways to walk away but I know I have to. I shut the door on our house; I shut the door on our relationship.

 

-One Month Post Split-

“Power couple, Harry Styles and Niall Horan, have called it quits. Reps for both parties confirmed that the split happened towards the end of November. Reports claim that Harry was seeing footballer Rohan Oaks while in Australia and the two maintained their relationship, after Harry’s tour was over. Neither Harry nor Niall could be reached for their comment but we were able to speak with Rohan. He confirmed that he and Harry had been dating each other for a few weeks before the split. He even told us that he made multiple trips up to visit Harry in London, without Niall’s knowledge.” I switched off the t.v.; not wanting to hear it any further.

“You know that Rohan is lying. Well about the dating thing, anyway.” Zayn states. Trying to comfort me. The breakup is still difficult for me to process. 

“I know they weren’t dating but Harry was still lying about being with him. I told Harry that I didn’t like him and that I thought he was up to no good and that report right there just proved it.”

“You know Harry will be looked at like the bad guy in this. Everyone thinks he cheated on you.” Liam added. I sigh.

“Well he certainly would have if I didn’t stop it. You know what happened.” I put down the box that I was currently carrying. I was in the process of moving out of Zayn’s and into my own home that I just purchased. I sadly looked into their eyes.

“How is he?” I softly ask. I know that they saw him a couple days ago.

“Not good. Louis says he didn’t get out of bed for like a week after the last time you two saw each other and he hasn’t taken off your Derby jersey.” Liam states and I plop down on to the sofa and bury my head into my hands. I feel the couch dip on both sides and then feel Zayn and Liam rubbing my back.

“Maybe you should go see him before you leave for Ireland for Christmas.” Zayn suggests.

“I can’t. It would be too hard. I would break.” I replied.

“You’re going to miss Louis’ birthday party.” Liam added.

“I know. I’ve already talked to Louis about it and he understands. Let’s just get this packing done. I just want to get fully moved in to the new house and sleep. Ryan is meeting us there in an hour to help.”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

-Two Months Post Split-

“I know what all of the reports have been saying, Ni. But you have to believe that I wasn’t dating him like he is telling everyone. I should have listened to you.”

“I know, Harry. It’s fine.” I replied and sighed through the receiver of the phone.

“It’s not fine because….. I lost you.” I could hear him take a ragged breath like he was about to cry.

“It happened, Harry. We can’t change it no matter how much we both want to. Listen, I didn’t call to get you upset. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope you have fun at your party. I know Louis went all out on it. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.” I am trying to sound upbeat but this is still so depressing.

“I wish you would come and see me. That’s all the birthday gift I would need. I love you, Niall.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t.” I pause for a few moments; both of us taking deep, depressing breaths. “Happy Birthday. Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, baby”

“Please don’t call me that, Harry….please. Bye.” Before I hit the end on the screen I heard his muffled sob from the other end.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

-Six Months Post Split-

“Louis!” I call to the feathery haired guy approaching me from across the parking lot. We embrace once we have reached one another and then begin our walk to the entrance of the restaurant.

We were completely engrossed in our meals, thankfully talking about anything and everything except Harry. Louis and I developed an amazing friendship over the years and despite him being best friends with my ex, we maintained that friendship. But I knew it was only a matter of time before Louis would begin to discuss Harry and he certainly didn’t hold anything back.

“So…..you gonna take Harry back?”

“Lou, stop. I don’t want to discuss that, please.” I took a swig of my beer. “You ask me that every time I see you and my answer will always be the same. No. I just can’t. I am finally starting to be ok. I am getting better and I am doing fine. I am in an ok place right now and I don’t want to revisit that hurt.”

“Whatever you say, Niall. But I don’t think you are as over it as you say you are. You avoid all things Harry. If you were over it or fine with it, you wouldn’t be so touchy when I discuss him. Do you even know what he has decided to do?” 

“What are you talking about? What has he decided?” I replied puzzled by what he could be referring to. Louis sighs and starts picking at his napkin.

“He is taking a break from music.” My eyes widen.

“What? What does that even mean? Taking a break….”

“He told me that he can’t do it right now. He’s not in a good place, Ni. He hasn’t been the same since the two of you broke up.” I am feeling completely horrible and I know the more I think about all of this the more I am going to start blaming myself.

“So what is he going to do?” I ask.

“He is focusing on the whole artist development thing. He is doing a final show in August. You should really think about being there. I know he would appreciate it. I mean, when was the last time you saw each other?”

“We obviously saw each other at the Brits in February but we didn’t go near one another. Well really, it was too difficult for me and so I avoided him. Before that was the last time I was at the house, two weeks after that day I caught him with Rohan on the couch.”

“You didn’t catch him doing anything.” Louis huffed and I just stared at him wide eyed.

“You’re kidding right? He was about to kiss Rohan. If I hadn’t stopped them, he would have and who knows what else.” I retorted and Louis hushed up. He knew I was right and he couldn’t argue that point.

“You should still go to the show.”

“I’ll think about it”

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

-Nine Months Post Split-

“Looking good, Niall” He smiled and walked into my house.

“Thanks. You look good, too. Have a seat. I’m almost ready.” He took a spot on the couch and I ran back up to my room to finish getting ready. 

Louis finally convinced me to go to Harry’s final show tonight. Not that it will be his final show ever because who knows, he might want to start writing and performing again. But this is his last show for what may be a long time. 

On another note, I have started to develop feelings for a person I never imagined I would. He just makes me smile and I haven’t felt this good since Harry and I ended things. Honestly the reason I am ok with going tonight is because I’m pretty much over Harry. It took about eight months and new feelings for someone else to push me towards healing but I am glad I’m finally there. 

After another five minutes and a once over in my mirror, I am completely ready and head back to the living room.

“Ready?” I ask. He stands from the sofa and walks over to me with a huge smile on his face. He pulls me into a hug and holds me. I react by putting my arms around him and tucking my face into his neck.

“Are you ready?” He asks softly knowing that tonight might be difficult for me or at least slightly awkward. I pull away and look into his eyes.

“Yeah. I’m good. I’ve got you with me.” He places a kiss on my head.

“Yes, you do.” He replied and walked me to the door with his hand on the small of my back. Our relationship has become more tactile over the past couple of months; touches, kisses on the cheeks or foreheads and cuddling has become the norm. 

We are greeted by Liam and Zayn as soon as we enter the back area of the stage. We all exchange hellos and went to our assigned seats on the floor to watch the show.

 

“Hey boys!” Lou exclaims as he enters the common area after the show had finished. 

“Hey Louis” I say and pull him in for a hug. 

“He is in the dressing room and wants to know if you would go see him.” He whispers into my ear. I pull from our hug and nod in agreement. Louis smiles.

“I’ll be right back, ok?” I quietly say to him and I can see Louis taking in our interaction with furrowed brows. Liam and Zayn have seen our relationship developing so seeing us interacting like this is nothing new to them.

“I’m here you know…if it gets difficult.” His hand lightly squeezes my hip in comfort. I smile up at him.

“I know. Thanks.”

Louis and I start down the hall and towards Harry’s dressing room. “What was that?” Louis asks.

“What was what?”

“Between the two of you in there.”

“We’ve just gotten close, is all.” 

“Are you dating him?” He asks, almost exacerbated.

“No.” I reply and that was all I was going to say. We reached the room and Louis motioned with his head towards the door and then walked away. I turned the knob and walked in. Harry was alone and sitting on the couch. He looked up at me and softly smiled.

“Hey you” He said and stood up and made his way over to me.

“Hi” I replied and his arms now snaked around my waist and he held me close to his body. I returned the hug and held onto him just as tight. It felt familiar, nice and comforting but that was it. I guess I am fully over him. I no longer have feelings for him. Of course I still have love for him and I probably always will but I feel relieved that I can finally move on without a second thought.

“Thanks for coming, Ni. It really means a lot that you are here.” He motioned for me to sit on the couch with him. I did.

“Yeah, no problem. You were really great out there. It was an amazing show. How have you been?”

“Honestly?” He began. “Not that great. But I’m dealing.” I start feeling bad and I do want to help him. I take hold of his hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry, Harry.” He just shrugs his shoulders in response.

“Ni” he says after a few minutes of silence.

“hmm” I reply

“Do you think you would consider taking me back?”

“Harry, I just…” he cuts me off.

“Please Niall. I still love you so much and I just can’t stand not being with you” Tears are falling from his eyes now and he buries his face into my chest and holds tight to my shirt. I place a hand on each of his shoulders and lightly push him back up right.

“No, Harry. I’m sorry.”

“Why, Niall. We can get back what we had. I'm so sorry Niall. I love you...I love you so much....I'm so sorry...please....I'm sorry” He said pleading with tears falling down his cheeks.

“I was just too hurt by it all, Harry and I’m finally at the point where I am ok. I am happy again and….” I am struggling with the fact that I have feelings for someone else and I don’t know if I should tell Harry.

“and what?” he asks nervously. I don’t say anything for a few moments and he asks again. “and what, Niall?” I sigh.

“I’ve started having feelings for someone else.” He drops his head and releases me from his grip.

“Who?” He sobs.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

-Fourteen Months Post Split-

“Hey baby! Guess what tomorrow is?” I giggle at his cuteness.

“I don’t know…January third, I think.” I joke with him. He fakes being shocked by my reaction.

“And what makes the third special?” He asks while holding my cheeks with his hands. I smirk.

“I don’t know? Could it be that January third happens to be our three month anniversary?” I reply.

“Bingo!” He kisses the tip of my nose and we both laugh. We sit down and begin to eat our dinner.

 

“When are we having dinner with your parents?” I ask pulling his attention from the movie we decided to watch after we finished our meal.

“Sunday evening, why?”

“Louis asked me to have lunch with him on Saturday and I just wanted to make sure it didn’t conflict with having dinner with your parents.”

“Yeah, Saturday would be completely fine for you to meet up with him. My parents aren’t checking into their hotel until late Saturday evening.” He replies and then continues. “Are you nervous? You’ll be meeting the parents.” He jokes.

“Honestly, yeah. It’s kind of a big step but I think it’s about time and you’ll meet my family when they are here in February.” I place a kiss on his lips. 

“I’m looking forward to it!” He smiles. We sit in silence for a few more minutes and I get the urge to thank him.

“You know you’re amazing, right.” I smile brightly at him and he smiles equally as big. “Thank you so much, baby. I couldn’t have gotten through the past year without you.”

“Are you going soft on me, Horan?” He chuckles. I playfully slap his chest in response. His eyes widen.

“Oh it’s on now!” He exclaims and tackles me on the couch. He begins to tickle my sides and I’m failing all attempts to get free.

“Stop” I laugh out.

“Not until you say the magic words, Niall. You know the deal” Our breathing has become labored because of our laughter.

“Nnn..nooo” I stutter in between cackles

“Say it” He sing songs. And I cave.

“Ryan Chandler is the best boyfriend ever.” The tickling stops immediately and the kissing begins.

 

~PRESENT TIME~

Last week was a crazy one. Ryan and I had a wonderful anniversary dinner on Wednesday night. However, we couldn’t escape the paps. But we are both used to it all. Fame does come with some drawbacks but I wouldn’t trade any of it. 

Saturday I had lunch with Louis and I knew Harry would be brought up. He always is when I am with Lou. I told him that I would text Harry and I will do as I said I would but it’s not going to do what Louis is hoping it will do. I am happily with Ryan and I met his parents on Sunday and they are lovely people and thankfully they like me.

It’s Friday morning and I have my phone in my hand trying to figure out what to text to him. I guess the basics would work at this time. I do feel really bad that, according to Louis, he still isn’t over me. It’s sad really because regardless of what happened, he is a really great guy and deserves to be happy. I just wish he would put himself back out there and start dating. I see him in papers and tabloids and the only people he is ever seen with are his family, Louis, Liam or Zayn. 

I also feel bad because I know he has seen pictures of Ryan and me out. I told him that I had feelings for Ryan at his concert last August and Ryan and I officially started dating in October. That was certainly all over the news. Thankfully the boys never did tell me what his reaction to the news was. I saw how hurt he was when I told him of my feelings for Ryan and I certainly didn’t want to know of the pain he was in when Ryan and I made it official.

Here goes nothing, I guess. I scroll through my contacts and come across his name; or contact name, rather. ‘Hxx’ is staring me right in the face. I never changed his contact name in my phone. Through our entire relationship he stayed as ‘Hxx’ like he was the first time I ever put his number into my phone and had to do it secretly because we couldn’t let anyone know that we were friends. I certainly can’t leave it as that anymore. I take a couple moments to edit his name in my phone and then I begin to press my fingers to the letters on my screen and type a message to Harry.

To: Harry

Hey you. Hope you are well.

I figure that would be a good opener. I waited for his response and it came only five minutes later.

To: Niall

Hi. I’m ok. How are you?

To: Harry

Good. I’m doing well, thank you. I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up sometime next week. Lunch, maybe? I’m not sure if that would be something that you would be interested in…just an idea. Haven’t seen each other in a while…it’d be nice to catch up.

To: Niall

Yes. Absolutely. I’d love to see you. Just me and you…or…..

To: Harry

Ok. Sounds good. I’m free on Tuesday afternoon. How about 1pm at ‘The Coffee Bean’? Would that work for you? And yes, just me and you…if that is ok

To: Niall

That is perfectly ok. And Tuesday at 1 works for me. I’m really excited to see you, Ni. I’ve missed you.

To: Harry

Ok. I’ll see you on Tuesday. Have a good weekend.

I knew this wasn’t the best idea. I can already tell he is getting more excited about this lunch meeting than he should. I feel bad for not responding to his ‘miss you’ comment but I don’t want to say it back. It’s not that I don’t miss him because I do miss his friendship but I know Harry and if I were to say something along the lines of missing him too, he would take it the wrong way and get his hopes up.

I’m in the midst of making dinner for Ryan. He is coming over tonight after he finishes in the studio. He has been working on a new album for the past month so he has been quite busy. However, we always reserve Friday nights for us; when we can, anyway. Sometimes our work doesn’t allow it. 

I wonder how he will take the knowledge of me and Harry going out to lunch on Tuesday. Ryan is far from a jealous person and I like that about him but I hope that he isn’t upset over this because he knows how much Harry meant to me and obviously he was there picking up the pieces of my heart after our split. He knows how much I loved Harry and how important we were to each other. 

“Hey baby!” I give him a greeting kiss at the door.

“Hey babe. It smells so good. What are you making?” He asks after returning my kiss and we walk towards the living room hand in hand.

“I made you favorite! Chicken Piccata with roasted potatoes and asparagus. Can you set the table while I get everything ready?”

“Yum. And no problem.” He places a kiss on my head and turns to set the table. Before he can walk away, I give his bum a little slap. He turns and fakes being shocked but then gives me a cheeky smile and winks. Ten minutes later, we have begun our meal.

“How is it?” I ask after he takes his first bite of the chicken.

With his mouth full he makes a satisfied face and gives me a thumbs up. He swallows the bite in his mouth. “So good, babe! Thank you”

We continue on with our meal and we discuss how his day was and what I did during the day and just random things. I finally decide to talk to him about seeing Harry.

“So on Saturday when I was with Louis, he all but begged me to reach out to Harry. He said he isn’t doing too well.”

“Nothing is wrong health wise, right. He isn’t sick is he?” Ryan asked with concern in his voice. God, could this man be any sweeter?

“No. He is fine. Just a bit depressed, I guess. Anyway, I told Louis that I would and I texted him this morning and we made plans to have lunch on Tuesday. Is that ok with you? I can cancel if you aren’t comfortable with it.” Ryan smiles softly at me.

“No, Niall. It’s completely fine. You should go see him. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to maintain your friendship. I know how much he meant to you and it’s sad to see because I know at one point you two were really great friends. I wish I was still friends with him, if I’m being honest. But I completely understand why he might not want my friendship.” I reach across the table and take his hand in mine.

“I’m sorry for the way things worked out. But maybe this is a starting point to regain our friendship and yea, maybe one day the two of you can be friends again. Are you sure you don’t mind?” I ask.

“Yes. I don’t mind at all, babe. You know that I trust you. I trust that you no longer have romantic feelings for him. Tell him that I say hello and that I hope he is doing well.”

“I will. You’re amazing, you know that!?”

“So I’ve been told.” He responds and leans over the table and I meet him half way and kiss his lips.

“So….movie or bedroom?” He says and wiggles his eyebrows. I smirk and take his hand and lead him in the direction of my room.

The weekend passed quickly. Ryan, Liam and I went to one of Zayn’s shows. I wasn’t sure if Harry was going to be there so I sent a somewhat subtle text to Louis asking what he was up to. He said that he and Harry were up in Cheshire for the weekend visiting Harry’s parents. I was a bit relieved. I do try to avoid places where I know Harry will be if I am going to be out with Ryan. I don’t want to rub our relationship in his face, especially knowing that Harry still hasn’t moved on.

Zayn’s show was amazing as usual and afterwards we all went out to a club to celebrate. We had such fun but I may have over did the drinking a bit. I woke up to a hangover but on the plus side, I had Ryan there next to me, taking care of every need I had.

We spent Sunday just lounging around my house. It was a wonderful lazy day. He left Sunday and it was a sad goodbye. He was leaving on Monday morning to go to New York for the week. He would return on Saturday. He was meeting with a few producers for the album. We said our goodbyes and discussed talking everyday and I wished him a safe trip.

Monday I kept myself busy with writing. I am in the beginning stages of a new album. My label wants me to have some things written down by next month. They are hoping to have my new album out by the end of the year. This will be my sophomore album and the pressure is great. My debut album did amazingly well and my label and I are hoping for the same outcome with this new album. 

They wanted me to put out an album last year but I just couldn’t do it. I was still getting over the break up and I knew I was in no place to be writing. I am sure all of my songs would have been completely depressing. Sure it’s great to take your own experiences and put them down on paper but I’m sure I would have broken even more. I am now in a good place and I can call upon my memories while also using my happiness that I am currently experiencing to write some great lyrics.

It’s about an hour before I am to meet up with Harry. I am fixing up my hair when my phone buzzes.

To: Niall

So…Harry’s really nervous about seeing you. Wouldn’t stop talking about it all weekend. Thank you for meeting up with him, Niall. By the way…he looks very handsome. ;)

Jesus, Louis. He just won’t stop.

To: Louis

You’re welcome. And honestly, Harry is always handsome but that doesn’t change anything…so kindly stop. I do, however, love that you love Harry so much and care deeply about his happiness. I’m sure I’ll be talking to you soon. Have a great day!

 

I arrive at ‘The Coffee Bean’ and do a sweep of the establishment. Harry hasn’t arrived yet. I walk towards the back of the café so that we can have some privacy. I have done my best to keep a low profile. The last thing Harry and I need are paps all in our faces while we are trying to catch up. But I can guarantee that this little lunch of ours will become news by tomorrow. Someone is bound to take a picture or video once they recognize us.

I select a booth in the very back, away from the windows and am greeted by a server. I order myself a tea and I get Harry his favorite mocha latte, while I wait for him to arrive.

The barista brings over our drinks just as Harry walks in through the door and just as Louis said; he is handsome.

I see him look across all of the tables and then his eyes meet mine. They light up and he gives me his dimpled smile. I smile in return and stand from the booth to hug him when he reaches me.

“Hey you” I say softly; those two words are becoming the usual greeting between us. I wrap my arms around his neck. It feels so good to see him. I didn’t think that I would be this happy, but I am. I am happy at the thought of getting my friend back.

“Hi” He replies, which is now the usual response, and holds me tight. We continue our embrace for a few moments before finally pulling away and sitting down. He points to the drink on his side of the booth. I nod, letting him know that it is for him. He takes a sip, careful not to burn himself from the hot liquid and he smiles.

“You remembered”

“Of course. It’s not like I didn’t order you one of those at least twice a week for three years.”

“And let me guess….Lemon and Ginger tea” He says and points to my drink.

“Would it be anything else?” I smile.

“Well, yes. Beer” He chuckles. I join him in laughter.

“You are correct, Mr. Styles.” We each took a drink and the server returned to take our orders.

“You look really good, Niall.”

“Thanks. So do you. So how have you been? What have you been up to?” I asked just as the waitress returned with our meals. A turkey sandwich for Harry and soup and salad for me.

“I’ve been ok. Just working with the label on artist development. I am actually really enjoying it.” He replies and takes a bite of his food.

“I think that you’re perfect for a role like that. However, I also think you should still be singing and doing your own music but developing artists suits you. Look what you did for the four us; Liam, Zayn, Ryan and me, I mean. We are all fairly successful and I think it’s because we had you as a mentor once; developing us.”

“Thanks. Not sure if I’m ready to do my own music just yet, though.” He replies with a sad tone and I take notice of his hands. He is fidgeting. His left thumb and middle finger are twisting a ring around that is on his right middle finger. I focus on the jewelry and my stomach sinks. It is the ring I gave him over four years ago; the ring that once sat on my middle finger for almost three years before I gave it to him. My Celtic knot ring. 

I try to take my eyes and mind off of his actions and put my focus back on our conversation. But before I can reply to his previous statement, I remember that I no longer wear the guitar pick necklace that he gave me for my birthday. I stopped wearing it last summer; just before I went to his last concert in August. It was around the same time that I began feeling something for Ryan. I still have it. There was no way I could ever get rid of it. It currently rests in a small velvet box inside the top drawer of my bedside table. I blink a couple times, bringing myself out of whatever trance I was in and continue our conversation.

“Well hopefully soon you’ll be performing again. I’m sure your fans will want that. Maybe ease back into it.” I suggested.

“I have been writing some. It does always help, as you know. But I am thinking that I will allow other artists to record the songs that I have written.”

“That’s really good. Maybe you can play some new material for me sometime.”

“I’d like that. It would mean I get to see you again.” He locked eyes with mine showing me his longing and want. I sigh and look away for a few moments.

“Honestly Harry, I would love to have a friendship with you. I miss that.”

“I want more” He whispered and looked down at his lap.

“Harry, you know that isn’t possible. I’m dating Ryan and I’m really happy with him.” He ran his hands through his hair and looked at me with glossy eyes. 

“Harry, please don’t cry.” I placed my hand on top of his and held it, trying to provide him with comfort. I looked down and was mindlessly running my thumb over my old ring. He closed his eyes and a single tear fell. He wiped it away with his free hand and then moved his other hand, the one that my hand is currently resting on, and interlock our fingers. I pulled away immediately but gently. He looked depressed and broken.

“Harry, you need to move on. No one likes seeing you like this. Louis is really worried for you. I can’t be what you want me to be. You are such an amazing person, Harry and just because it didn’t work out for us, doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone else out there that will be perfect for you.”

“You are the only one that is perfect for me, Niall. It’s always been you and it will always be you. You said you wanted this…you wanted us….forever.” I feel defeated. There is nothing that I am going to say to convince him otherwise.

“Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we shouldn’t be around one another until you are over me. It isn’t fair for you to be hurting like this.” He immediately looks up and grabs hold of my hand.

“No, Niall. Please. I can’t not see you. It kills me not to have you in my life. It is killing me.”

“But the only thing I can give you is my friendship. That is all we can have.”

“I’ll take it. I need you in my life, Niall. Anyway that I can have you. Friends?” He holds out his hand for me to shake and he has replaced his frown with a half smile. I know he is hurting and I know he doesn’t just want to be my friend. But I smile in return and shake his hand.

“Friends.”

“Hey baby. I miss you. How’s New York?”

“Really good. We are getting a lot of stuff accomplished.”

“That’s awesome, babe. You’re not too lonely without me, right?” I chuckled through the phone.

“Of course not. You know I have many ladies fulfilling my needs” We both laugh.

“Sure you do, Ry.” I reply after my laughter has calmed down.

“But I seriously do miss you, Ni. I can’t wait until Saturday when I can see you again.”

“Me too.”

“So how did it go with Harry?” He asks. I sigh. “That good, huh?” He replies sarcastically hearing the sadness in my sigh.

“It was ok at first. We just talked about how we each are doing and stuff like that but then it just went downhill from there. He came right out and basically said that he wants to be with me and I told him that I am happy with you and that maybe it isn’t a good idea that we see each other until he is fully over me. But I think that got him thinking that it’s either only my friendship or nothing. So He agreed to be my friend.”

“Well that’s good, babe. At least you can now start slowly building your friendship back. I’ll be honest and say that I might get slightly nervous if you go and hang out with him because his feelings for you are still obviously so strong.”

“Ryan, I’m so sorry. I really don’t want to make you upset. Is there anything that would make all of this easier on you?” I feel really bad. I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with Ryan.

“Maybe….but I don’t want to ask it of you”

“Just ask. Really, baby. Tell me what you need?” I really want to know what will make him feel more at ease with regard to this whole situation.

“Well…I…um…guess that maybe until he is over you or getting that way…maybe when you hang out with him…you have other friends with you…you know like Louis, Liam, Zayn and if it’s not too hurtful for him, maybe even me? Is that asking too much? I don’t want to sound like a jerk and put stipulations on anything you do…God…just never mind…forget that I even suggested it, ok?”

“Hush, Ryan. I think that what you suggested is a perfectly reasonable request. A request that I would probably make if I was in your position. I won’t hang out with Harry one on one until his feelings for me have diminished.” I honestly think that what he is asking is completely valid. Of course I would agree to it and I really think that it would probably be best on Harry as well. 

“Are you sure?” He asks timidly.

“Absolutely, babe.”

“Ok. Thanks, Niall. That means a lot. But I have to go. I have a meeting in a few minutes.”

“Alright. I miss you, babe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Yup. Miss you too, baby. Bye”

“Bye” I end the call and start dinner for myself and Louis. He will be here in just about an hour. No doubt to talk about Harry.

I all but throw myself on my bed after Louis left. Of course the evening started out great and we had such a great time together. He was telling me that since Harry isn’t really in need of a full time stylist and only requires his assistance when he goes out to certain events, he is picking up a few other clients to keep himself busy. I obviously have been using Louis as my stylist as well and I tell him that he better not be too busy for me.

We continue talking and joking around throughout dinner and half way through the movie we decided to watch. I then took notice that his demeanor changed and he seemed preoccupied with something, or some thoughts. I stared at him for a few minutes and just sighed.

I asked him what he was thinking so intensely about and of course he said that he wasn’t thinking about anything. It took him a few more minutes to bring up the topic of Harry. I knew it would come eventually while we were hanging out and I was actually surprised that he waited almost two and a half hours before mentioning his name.

He told me how unhappy and still depressed Harry was after our lunch date, and I immediately corrected him when he called it a date. He rolled his eyes and continued speaking.

Over all the conversation was basically the same conversation we had about Harry every time I saw Louis. It consisted of Louis telling me that I should give Harry another chance and that the two of us are soul mates and we belong together and then me replying that I am happy with Ryan and Ryan is a great guy and makes me happy and that I only want to be friends with Harry. And the night ended the same as it usually does; Louis annoyed because I am not caving on the matter and me being annoyed because he won’t drop it already. But I still tell him that I love him and give him a kiss on his temple and he returns the gesture and the ‘I love you’. 

I often think it must be extremely difficult for Louis. He is basically in between Harry and me. He must find it exhausting to have Harry still in his ear, pining away for me and then me in his other ear telling him that I don’t wish to be in a relationship with Harry. If I’m overwhelmed by all of this, I can only imagine how Lou is feeling.

“So have you come up with anything yet?” Allan asked. 

It is now Friday and I am currently at my record label in a meeting with management to discuss my next album. Allan is part of the senior management and has been pushing me since last year to come out with something. He was slightly annoyed that I didn’t want to put another album out last year while I was going through everything. 

“Yes. I have been writing some.” I replied and he didn’t seem satisfied with my answer.

“Niall, look…I understand all of the personal drama that you went through and all the publicity that came from it but you really need to put your sophomore album out this year. You need to do it while you are still relevant. I also should remind you of your contract.”

“I know what my contract states, Allan. No need to remind me.” I’m legally under contract to put out an album at least every year and a half to two years and they were allowing me to take my time last year but I need to have something done this year.

“How many songs do you have so far?” Sadie asked. She is another part of the management team. I quite like her a lot. Much better than Allan.

“I have about twelve fully written and I am working on a few right now.” I reply.

“Well, that’s a good start. You’ll need about fifteen more completed that way we can go through and pick out the best ones. We will want to give your fans between fifteen and eighteen songs.” She states and I nod in understanding.

“I hate to do this to you, Niall but I think that we may look into some writing partners for you.” Allan suggests but with purpose so I know I really don’t have an option.

“I can write my own songs.”

“But you are under a time crunch and it couldn’t hurt. We actually already set up a meeting with you and Travis Green for next Thursday in the studio.” Allan adds. I huff in annoyance but Travis Green is a well respected song writer so I guess it couldn’t hurt to meet with him and see what we come up with.

“Fine. What time on Thursday?” I ask

“Ten. At Blue Lane Studios. We have reserved the day for the two of you.” Sadie says and I agree.

I leave the meeting slightly annoyed but I know I need to do this. I have been having some troubles lately coming up with anything that doesn’t already sound like something I have done before. Or I’ll start strumming some chords and start to sing random lyrics until I realize that I am basically playing the melody to Twinkle Little Star. Some help won’t hurt.

I am in my studio that I had built in my home about a month after I had purchased it and like my label wants, I am trying to come up with new music. I am right in the middle of jotting down the next line for the song that I am currently on when the doorbell chimes, loudly, breaking my concentration and completely messing up my flow. I sigh in frustration. I certainly wasn’t expecting anyone, nor do I really care to see anyone at this moment. I huff and stalk towards the front door.

“Niall!” Zayn excitedly shouts as I open the front door. I can see Liam in behind him waving at me. I half smile and step aside. They immediately head to my kitchen and take a few beers from the fridge and toss me one. This is how we all act when we are at each other’s homes. So their behavior doesn’t bother me one bit. Except for the fact that they completely disturbed my writing but it’s Liam and Zayn, so I really don’t mind that much.

“To what do I owe this displeasure” I say with a smirk. Zayn pops the top off of his bottle and throws it at me. I smile and take a gulp of my drink and wait for them to answer.

“We are going out!” He replies and then I finally take notice of the clothing they are wearing. Definitely dressed for a night on the town.

“Have fun with that” I reply. I am in no mood to go out.

“C’mon, Ni. You need a fun night out. Desperately!” Liam states. I roll my eyes and take another drink.

“I don’t really feel like it. I have my label breathing down my neck to come up with more songs for my new album, I am seriously missing Ryan and I really don’t feel like going out and drinking in a hot and stuffy club with so many people that you can barely move. Besides, I have to be at the airport by ten tomorrow morning to pick up Ryan and I don’t want to see him for the first time in basically a week with a hangover.”

“We aren’t going to a club. We are going to a bar. And just don’t drink that much. And we promise to have you home by two in the morning. You’ll be able to sleep for at least six or seven hours before having to get up to get Ry from the airport.” Zayn states; doing his best to convince me.

“Please, Ni. You know you want to.” Liam pleads and pokes my cheek.

“Jesus, fine.” I agree and they high five each other in excitement. “I have to go shower and change. I’ll be back down in a bit.” They take seats on the couch and turn on the television and wait.

To: Ryan

Hey baby! I hope you are having a good day. I am going out with Liam and Zayn tonight. Just wanted to let you know. I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow morning! 

To: Niall

Hi, babe! My day is going very well and I miss you, too. Have fun tonight and say hello to Liam and Zayn for me. See you in the morning and be safe! 

To: Ryan

I will, babe! : ) 

Once I have finished texting Ryan and am completely dressed and my hair styled, it is about forty-five minutes later. I join the boys in the living room.

“Took ya long enough” Zayn huffs.

“Yeah…but I look hot” I joke and Zayn rolls his eyes.

“Yeah sure, Niall” he jokes back and stands from the sofa and the three of us exit my house.

We arrive at the bar fifteen minutes later and are immediately ushered in and to the VIP section. Of course being who we are, we were able to bypass the line out at the front but we also had to deal with some paps yelling and taking our pictures. The server brought us over a few beers to start and smiled when Zayn winked at her. He certainly loves his single life.

“Keep em’ coming, love” he tells the girl and runs his hand down her arm. I smile at her now flushed cheeks and she smiles in reply and turns back towards the bar and walks away.

“You’re such a flirt” Liam says and smacks him lightly on the back. Zayn replies with a wink and we take seats on the couches in our private area.

I am relaxing, well trying to anyway. It isn’t much of a bar. There is a small dance floor. I would say that it is probably like a mini night club. I much prefer to be in a small pub but I can tell the boys are having fun, so I am content.

Our area is roped off but people, presumably fans, are walking up to us and occasionally asking for our autograph or a picture. We have always appreciated out fans and will always acknowledge them, so I have no problem obliging to their requests.

After about an hour and three beers later, I turn my attention to the commotion that is coming from the front. I can see people, mostly girls, quickly making their way towards the front doors. I focus on the figure coming in and causing the slight mayhem and could immediately recognize him.

“Hey you” He smiles and pulls me in for a hug. I reciprocate. 

“Hi” I smile and pull away. I then say hello to Louis who is right next to Harry.

“Didn’t know you would be out tonight” I say to Louis and Harry but it is more directed at Liam and Zayn because they had a guilty look on their faces like they knew from the beginning.

“Yeah, just decided last minute” Louis smirked; obviously lying. I try to keep my eye roll to myself but I am slightly bothered. I really didn’t feel like dealing with Harry tonight. I know that I said that we would be friends but I feel like maybe this is too much for him to handle. Especially with the way he is currently looking at me; which I am trying very much to ignore. I sit back down in my spot on the couch and open another bottle of beer. 

Harry sits next to me not a moment later. His body placed right next to mine, even though there is plenty of room for him not to have to sit so close. He smiles at me and places his arm around me on the back of the couch. I take a deep breath and scoot a little away from him. I know that action hurt him but he didn’t say anything. He leaned over to the table, grabbing a beer for himself; popped the top and looked at me intently while taking his first swig.

We sat in silence for a little while and just watched Zayn flirting with the waitress while Louis and Liam danced with a couple girls that they let into the VIP area. I have pretty much had my fill of alcohol so I am taking extra long to finish my last beer. As I am taking the last sip, I can feel Harry shifting next to me. I catch, through my peripheral vision, him moving closer to me. I soon feel his breath on my neck, just below my ear.

“You look really good tonight, Ni” I feel the tip of his nose brush over the top of my ear and I freeze. I can then feel his lips lightly brush the lobe of my ear. They are barely there, like feather light, but I notice and I don’t want it. I immediately tilt my head away and turn to look at him and give him a look that can only be taken as ‘stop’, but I am verbal as well just in case he doesn’t understand.

“Please stop.” I say firmly but quietly and move my body away from him. He looks upset and I do feel bad but he is doing this to himself. There is so much that I want to say to him in that moment but in this crowded bar is not the place.

“I’m gonna go.” I stand up from the sofa and Harry stands right up next to me.

“No. Don’t go. I’m sorry.” He rushes out but I have already made up my mind.

“No, really. I should go. Have a good night, Harry” I reply and then turn to the others to say goodnight. Louis can see Harry’s sullen face so when I hug Lou goodbye he asks if everything is ok. I just look at him, not even needing to form a reply with words. As I am leaving I turn back and see Lou with his arm around Harry.

“I missed you so much, baby” I say holding tight to Ryan and kissing his lips. He just got off of the plane and we are currently enjoying our reunion.

“I missed you, too.” He kissed me and then kissed me again and again.

We collected his luggage and then navigated our way through the crowds, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans as we went. Once outside we were approached by a few paps but it wasn’t too terrible. They got their pictures but we ignored all questions. Sometimes it was easier that way. But don’t think I didn’t hear one of them ask Ryan what he thought of me being out with Harry last night.

Finally in the quiet of our taxi, I leaned up against his chest and he placed his arm around me and kissed the top of my head.

“I’m glad your home” I spoke while tracing the patterns on his shirt.

“Me too” He placed one more kiss on top of my head and then advised the driver where to go.

We arrived at his place about a half hour later and got his belongings inside. Once the door was locked he immediately grabbed me and brought me up into his arms. I squeaked at the rapid action that took me by surprise and wrapped my legs around his waist holding me up onto his body.

“God, I’ve missed you so much babe” he says as he places me down on his bed and begins to pull my shirt from my body. Once it is off, I begin to undo the button on his jeans. He removes his own shirt and bends back down, hovering his lips over my stomach. He starts to leave open mouth kisses just above the top of my jeans and works his way up my chest. I have since undid his jeans and start to push them down. Once they have made it to his thighs, I bend my leg up and use my foot to push them all the way off his body; I took his boxes down with them, as well.

Never taking his lips off of me, he begins to remove the remainder of my clothing and not too long after we are both fully unclothed and our moans are filling the room.

A few hours later we were just waking up from our nap; having both fallen asleep a few minutes after we both came down from our highs. I knew he was exhausted from his flight. We remained in our cuddled position; my head on his chest and my right leg hooked over his thighs. His arm was tightly wrapped around me. I loved the feel of his chest rising and falling with each soft breath.

“I love this” He whispered referring to our current state of bliss and I hummed in reply. Agreeing with him completely.

“Did you have fun last night?” 

“It was ok. Liam and Zayn said it was a bar but it was more like a small club and you know I’m not really fond of night clubs.” I replied softly. Both of our voices not much higher than a whisper. 

“So Harry was there? I heard what that pap asked me. How did it go?”

“Not so good. He is kind of the reason why I left earlier than everyone else. He just got a little too close for my comfort. He whispered that I looked good and I guess just the way he said it….I…just….” I couldn’t really finish because I really don’t know what else to say about it.

“I’m sorry” he stated and kissed my head.

“You’re not upset are you? I know this can’t be easy on you.” I said and began to sit up so that we could have this type of conversation properly. I pushed myself up and leaned against the headboard. He followed.

“You know that I understand and I feel bad that Harry is having such a difficult time with this and I know that we are happy but I do worry sometimes that maybe you’ll start having feelings for him again if he continues to say things to you about getting back together or other things like that. Maybe being friends with him won’t be a possibility right now.” I take in everything that Ryan is saying and sigh.

“Well, I honestly think you may be right about a friendship with him. I mean last night was the first time I saw him since our ‘let’s be friends’ talk and he already crossed the line in my opinion. He is making it so difficult for himself and I don’t want to see him hurting and me being around him, hurts him. And don’t worry about me getting feelings for him. I know that I can’t know what the future holds but right now I am with you. I want to be with you and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.” He lightly smiles at my response.

“You’re right. We can’t know what will happen in the future and who knows if we will be together long term but I can’t think of anyone else I would want to be with. You make me happy, Niall.” I smile and lean in a place a kiss on his lips.

“Just promise me that if feelings for him start to develop you will tell me right away. I don’t want to be caught off guard.” I place my forehead against his and look into his eyes.

“I don’t see that happening but I will be completely honest with you if it does. Deal?”

“Deal” he smirks and seals it with a kiss.

The following days were filled with gossip in the papers stating that Harry and I were headed for reconciliation. There were quite a lot of pictures to go along with the stories as well. People were able to get pictures of Harry and me out to lunch and the hug that we gave each other then. There were also pictures from the bar, again, capturing the hug when we greeted each other. Someone also took pictures when Harry was whispering in my ear.

The stories obviously claimed that a source told them that we are both happy to be falling in love again and that Ryan Chandler was my rebound. I find that quite funny actually because a rebound usually comes immediately after a breakup. I really didn’t start developing feelings for Ryan until around eight months after Harry and I split and we started dating another three months after that. So it was basically almost a full year after Harry and I broke up that Ryan became my boyfriend. That’s not exactly what I would call a rebound. 

I guess I am slightly bothered by all of the stories but Ryan has been completely fine with all of it. I fear that he will eventually get tired of all of the rumors and annoyed that it seems that Harry will always be pushed into our relationship but he reassures me that is not the case. He understands why the media is all over this situation. He understands that it is something that we will likely deal with for a while. He understands all of that and yet still wants to be with me and I couldn’t be happier.

I arrive at the studio on Thursday morning, as scheduled by my management, to meet with Travis Green to begin writing. It’s pretty amazing meeting him because he is so well known and has written some fairly big hits for multiple artists. Our greeting is the basic ‘how are you’, ‘nice to meet you’, ‘love your work’ type of greeting and we get down to business.

“That sounds really good, Niall” Travis states excitedly after we finish up with a song that I started previously. Together we came up with the bridge and another verse, while adding a word or line here and there. 

“Great. Thanks. I like the way that one came out.” I agreed. “Should we break for a few? Get some lunch?”

“Sounds good. But let’s just order something and have someone go get it. I have a few calls to make.” Travis replied and I agreed. 

We decided what we wanted and I gave our order to one of my security team to go and pick up for us and the rest of the people working with us today. Travis walked to a different part of the building to make his calls and I decided I would call Ryan just to see what he is doing.

“Hey baby. How’s everything coming?”

“Really good actually. We are taking a little break and will have some lunch in a bit so I just wanted to call and say hello.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you called. I was getting kind of bored. I’ve literally done nothing all day. I mean I like my days off but they are no fun when I don’t have you to hang out with.” He replies and I smile.

“Awe, babe! That was very sweet. But maybe see what Liam or Zayn are up to. I think they mentioned they have a few days off this week as well.”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.” He states and then there are a few moments of silence.

“So I’ve been thinking that I should tell Harry that it probably isn’t a good idea to see each other just yet.” I said breaking the silence.

“Really. Are you sure that is what you want?”

“No, honestly. I want to have his friendship. I miss it. But like we have discussed before, he isn’t able to be just my friend. He is hurting too much and I don’t want to cause that. I’ll probably call him later tonight to tell him.”

“Ni, don’t you think a conversation like that should be in person? I mean I would think that hearing that over the phone wouldn’t be the greatest. Maybe give him a call when we are off the phone or shoot him a text asking him out for lunch or dinner or just meet him somewhere.”

“I guess……” I think about what Ryan just suggested and maybe it is best to tell him face to face. On the other hand, won’t that make it more difficult for him to see me and then have me tell him that I can’t see him anymore? Why does this have to be so frustrating?

“Just give him a call and set it up, yeah?”

“Ok, babe. I will.” I then saw Anthony, one of my security guys, return with the food. “The food just arrived so I’m gonna let you go.”

“Choosing food over me. I’m hurt, Niall” He jokes and we both laugh a little. “We are still on for tomorrow night, right? I’ve a great date planned for us.” He beams.

“Yes, absolutely babe. I’ll just meet you at your house around six. Is that fine?”

“Yea, that’s good. I’ll see you tomorrow, baby. Bye.”

“Bye, babe”

By the time that Travis and I have finished for the day, it is around eight at night. I am really happy with what has been accomplished. Three of the songs that I was working on previously have been completed and we even wrote two additional songs together. We set up another meeting next week to continue writing.

When I got home I remembered that I still hadn’t called Harry to see about meeting. I went back and forth about whether I should call or text but eventually decided that texting will likely be better.

To: Harry

Hey you.

I smiled as I sent it. Even though this situation is difficult it makes me feel a little bit better that we can share this kind of greeting. Something that is just special for us. I felt my phone buzz and knew what his reply would be.

To: Niall

Hi.

To: Harry

Just wondering if you are free tomorrow morning to meet up

To: Niall

Yea, I’m free. What time and where?

I think about that question for a little bit. I’m actually thinking that I don’t want to be out in the public but I also don’t’ want to go to his house; which use to be our house. I guess the only other option is him coming over here.

To: Harry

Around 11? And I guess you can just come to mine. Is that ok? 

To: Niall

Great. I’ll see you tomorrow. Night babe!

To: Harry

Harry…….. : /

To: Niall

Sorry.

 

Not that my home is a mess but it certainly isn’t as clean as Harry and I used to keep our house. Harry was quite a bit neater than I am and so for that reason I have spent the morning tidying up the place. Putting magazines in their proper location; right now, I have made that proper location under the couch. I have dusted and swept. Made sure the kitchen is orderly and lit some scented candles just in case. Once I am satisfied with its appearance, I use the remaining hour until Harry arrives to get cleaned up myself.

I am in the kitchen putting the kettle on just as Harry rings the door bell. As I am walking towards the front door it dawned on me that I never gave Harry my address last night. Maybe he got it from one of the guys. I open the door and there he is, smiling that full dimple smile. A smile that always puts one of equal size on my face no matter how I am feeling.

“Hey you” He greets.

“Hi. Come in” I say and step aside. He walks in through the door and follows me to the living room.

“You can put your coat down on the couch or the chair. Anywhere is fine.” I stated. “Want some tea” I asked and headed towards the kitchen; leaving him to his own devices in the living room.

“Yes” he calls and I pull how he likes his tea from my memory and make it. 

With the two cups in my hand I walk back to where Harry is only to find him sitting on my couch; feet up on my coffee table and hands resting behind his head. This typically wouldn’t bother me and I wouldn’t think anything of it. However, he is wearing one of my old shirts. I know he wore it on purpose and for that reason I am not going to even bring it up. It’s kind of funny in a sense because I know he is trying really hard and I can’t thwart his effort; and for that reason I smile at him.

We have been talking for about a half hour, non-stop and it has been really nice. He hasn’t made an advance at me and I start to doubt my whole reason for asking him over. Our conversation slows down a bit and we sit in a comfortable silence.

“You know, I’m wondering how you knew where I lived. I didn’t give you the address.” I said. He looked down at his cup.

“I might have begged Louis to drive me by here about a month after you moved in. It took about a month for me to convince him to do it, but yeah….that’s how. You’re not mad are you?” 

“No. I’m not mad. It’s kinda a creepy move though, isn’t it” I smirk and take the last sip of my drink. He chuckles. I guess it really doesn’t bother me that he has known where I live. I am wondering if he drives by here from time to time and I have a feeling the answer to that question would be yes, so I won’t ask him.

“It was nice just talking to you, Niall. I really do miss this.”

“Me too, Harry.”

“I guess I am wondering why you asked me over, though. Not that I am complaining at all.” He says and places his hand on my knee. But I knew it wasn’t a romantic gesture. It was a friendly one and his hand was removed a few moments later. Maybe he has realized what is appropriate and what’s not.

“Honestly, it was to tell you that we shouldn’t see each other.” His eyes go wide and I see the hurt in them but I begin speaking again, hopefully making him feel better.

“I just know that you are hurting every time we see each other and we said we would just be friends but at the bar your actions clearly showed you wanted more. I just hate seeing you hurt, Harry and I know that I am the one causing it, kind of. But now, I don’t know. I’ve had a great time talking with you and I don’t want to lose that. I want you in my life. I want your friendship, I really do but you have to promise me that you will stop trying to make us into something more. You don’t have to like the fact that I am in a relationship but please respect it. Can you do those things for me?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry, Niall. I know that I am making things difficult and of course you know that I still want you, everyone knows that and who knows how long it will be until I can finally move on, if I ever do but I can’t lose you out of my life either. So I promise this time. Really. Just friends.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you hurting every time we see one another.” 

“Positive.” He smiles. 

“Good” I reply and smile in return.

“I should get going. I’m meeting Lou in a little bit” he says and we both stand up from the couch.

“Yeah, ok.” I reply. “Nice shirt, by the way.” I feel ok about addressing it now; after our talk. He smirks.

“I thought you might like it.” He chuckles.

“I liked it better when I got to wear it.” I return.

“You want it back?” He smirks and takes the hem and begins to lift it showing off his lower abs and up to just below his sternum. Yes, I glance at his exposed skin but immediately slap his arm, playfully.

“Harry!” We both laugh and he drops the shirt back down and picks up his jacket and puts that on as I am walking him to the door.

“Hug?” He asks just before he leaves. I smile and wrap one arm under his and my other arm around his neck. The friendly hug. We stay in the embrace for about a minute before pulling away.

“See ya soon” he says but more in the form of a question.

“Yeah. Bye, Harry. Drive safe.” I wave as he is walking to his car. 

“By, Ni.” He then drives away.

“So how was it?” Ryan asks as he is gentle stroking my arm as we are cuddled in his flat on the couch watching tv. I arrived to his place just about an hour ago. I brought over some take away and we have been enjoying each other’s company. I knew he wanted to ask how my meeting went with Harry since I arrived but of course, the sweet guy that he is, waited until we had some time to ourselves, without the mention or thoughts of Harry.

“The outcome was different than expected.” I replied

“What do you mean? Did he not take it well?”

“No. We actually had fun just talking and he didn’t once come on to me or never really mentioned wanting me back. He admitted again to still having feelings for me but is really willing to give our friendship a chance without romantic advances. I asked him to respect what you and I have and he promised that he would. I want his friendship and he promised this time that he would stop with the passes so that he can remain in my life as friends.” My head is resting on Ryan’s chest while my fingers graze over the fabric of his shirt. I can feel his arm tighten around me and he presses a kiss to my head.

“Are you happy?” He asks. I tilt my head up to meet his gaze and smile.

“Yes.” I softly reply.

“Good. As long as you are happy, then I am happy.” I purse my lips and he leans down to press them to his. It is a gentle kiss that lingers for a few moments before we both pull away and turn our attention back to the television.

It has been a few days since Harry and I had our talk at my house. We have texted a bit, joked around, and made plans with boys to hang out at Liam’s tonight. It should be fun but I am somewhat upset. I want to be able to bring Ryan but I don’t think that is a good idea yet. 

I feel badly because I think Ryan got the short end of the stick. Since we began dating he hasn’t been able to hang out with all of us like we used to. I can understand why and Ryan has never said anything in regard to it because he understands as well, but I know he misses it. I think he feels left out and I, as his boyfriend, feel terrible that I am going to hang out with them.

I did talk to Ryan about it and I told him that I wouldn’t go, but he insisted. He made plans for himself to see some of his old friends from school that he hasn’t seen in a while. I think he made those plans to make me feel better and I guess I do feel some relief that he won’t be home alone with nothing to do while I am out with our friends, with the exception of Harry because I am not sure if Ryan and Harry are considered friends at this point.

I arrive to Liam’s before anyone else. Liam has always been the voice of reason and the one that I turn to when I need guidance or advice on some issue that I may be having. Not that I really need guidance at this point but it would be nice to talk to him about the whole situation, one on one.

“Hey, Ni. Come in” Liam greets me and then steps to the side to allow me into his home.

“Hey” I smile and give him a hug. We walk towards the kitchen and he grabs two beers from the fridge. I gladly accept mine and pop the top and take a drink.

“So the guys won’t be here for like another half hour.” He states giving me a knowing look.

“Yeah, I guess it’s just time for a Liam and Niall talk.” I chuckle. He smiles in return and takes a drink of his beer.

“This about Harry?”

“Well, doesn’t everything in my life somehow involve Harry?” I sigh but continue. “I guess I am just so happy that we have hopefully reached a point where we can be friends without him trying to hit on me or try to win me back and he promised to keep our relationship on the friendship level and I want to trust that he is telling the truth but at the same time, I know when he is hurting. I can see it in his eyes and I don’t want to cause him pain. That is what I am struggling with most of all. I want his friendship but at what cost? Am I being selfish? I’m with Ryan and I’m very happy with him. He is an amazing guy and he treats me so good and he is just so sweet and I want to continue to be with him but I want Harry in my life too. Not in a romantic way but I’ve missed him. I feel like even though Harry is trying to be my friend, he will be hurting and I also feel like even though Ryan says that he is glad that Harry and I are trying to get our friendship back, he must also be a little apprehensive but will never admit it because he doesn’t want to worry me, so am I taking advantage of that fact?” I finally stop my rant with a long, drawn out breath. 

“Wow, that was a lot” Liam huffs.

“I know” I take another drink and look at Liam with pleading eyes; almost begging for some wisdom.

“Honestly, Niall your situation isn’t easy and I don’t suspect it ever becoming easy. Truth of the matter is that yes, Harry will always want to be with you. Everyone can see that and I know he said that he will be your friend just to keep you in his life but we all know he wants more and will always want more. There might come a time when he is finally able to move on but none of us see that time coming soon.”

“I know. I think that way too.”

“But, you also have to take what Harry says. Don’t worry or stress yourself about how he is feeling. You were going to give him space to get over you but in the end he is the one who made the decision to be friends with you. He made the decision to swallow his pain to keep you in his life. That is on him. I think you need to make sure that you do not give any kind of mixed signal….” I cut him off and begin to refute.

“I would never do that. I wouldn’t come one to him or make any kind of advance.” Liam holds up his hand, silently telling me to pause my thoughts.

“Just hear me out. You and Harry have this unspoken language. You can look at one another and know what each is feeling. A touch from you can make him weak in the knees and when you look at him, you make him blush. You just being you, does something to him and I know as much as you don’t want to admit it, you are still very much attracted to Harry and likely always will be, so when you do look at him, you can’t help but look at him with some longing in your eyes. You need to do your best to not do that.”

I sigh. Do I really do that? It’s obvious that Harry is gorgeous and yes, I guess that when I look at him, I do think of how things used to be and how each touch would give me butterflies and each kiss would raise the temperature in my body but I push those feelings aside because I do really like Ryan and I don’t want to have those thoughts about anyone else but him.

“I will always find Harry attractive and maybe you are right about the way we look at each other but I have Ryan who makes me completely happy and I can’t even think about doing anything with Harry to jeopardize what Ryan and I have. But I will be more careful I guess.” It goes silent for a few moments. “I think I need another” I state with an exaggerated breath, after which Liam laughs and nod his head. Another beer is in my hand and Liam continues.

“In regard to Ryan, yes he is such a nice guy but maybe too nice. I think you will really have to make sure that you don’t take advantage of his kindness. I don’t think Ryan will ever tell you how truly nervous he is about you hanging out with Harry.” he pauses and my eyes go wide.

“Did Ryan say something to you?” I ask. I see Liam thinking and seemingly debating what he is going to or not going to say next. “Liam, really. Did he say something?”

“We may have discussed it. And he really does want you to be able to have Harry’s friendship but he is so nervous because he really likes you but he feels like there is no way that he can compete with Harry and all of the history that the two of you have. He doesn’t want to make you feel bad and he just wants to see you happy but I think maybe he is just kind of waiting for the day that your feelings for Harry return.” Liam finishes.

“I guess I knew all along that he felt that way. He did say that he doesn’t want me hanging out with Harry one on one and I completely agree with him on that and promised that I never would and I really don’t see me developing my feelings back for Harry because Ryan keeps me blissfully happy and I love being with him.”

“Do you love him?” I sigh at Liam’s question and take a few moments to collect my thoughts.

“I’m not in love with him. I certainly love the person that he is and I love him like I love the rest of you guys, but no. I don’t love him like that, yet. And I don’t think he is in love with me like that yet, either. But I can completely see myself falling in love with him. So I am sure it will only be a matter of time before I do.” Just as I finished, there is a knock on the door. Liam moves next to me and gives me a hug.

“Everything will work out. Just be very mindful of how you act around Harry and make sure that you always stay one hundred percent honest with not only Ryan, but with yourself, alright?” I pull away from the hug and smile at him.

“Yeah. Thanks Li.”

“No problem, mate. I love ya.” 

“I love you, too.” I reply and he walks towards the door while I walk to the living room to take a seat on the couch.

“Hey, Louis” Liam states as Lou walks in and joins me on the couch. Louis and I greet one another and begin small talk. Soon after, Liam joins Louis and me with a round of beers and the three of us begin waiting for Zayn and Harry to arrive.

First cam Zayn, followed by Harry about ten minutes later. Harry and my greeting was one of friendship and I was quite glad of that. It had yet to become awkward and I was hoping the remainder of the night would be the same.

After about an hour of just talking, drinking and joking around we all decided it would be a great idea to bonfire, all of us but Louis.

“You do realize that it is the end of January, right. There is snow on the ground. It is ten in the evening and it is freezing outside. You lot are crazy!” He exclaims. Harry pulls him into his arms and ruffles his hair.

“C’mon, Lou. Let’s just have some fun. It’s a bonfire. It will warm us up if we stand around it.” Harry is slightly slurring his words; the result of a few shots of tequila and about six beers. All of us have just about the same amount of liquor in our systems. Save for Liam, who stopped after three beers and is now drinking water; claiming someone needed to be sober to look out for the drunken idiots. Liam is usually that guy and we never offer ourselves up for that role.

“Fine, fine. Just get off my hair” He huffs and yanks his head away from Harry’s grasp.

All of us, clad in our coats and beanies, gloves and scarves- if we had them- all went out to the back of the house and waited for Liam, the sober one, to light the pile of wood in the pit for the bonfire. We set up chairs and once the fire was large enough to provide us with some warmth, we all took our seats.

It was a calm silence for the first few minutes. The only sound made was that of the wood popping and cracking with scorching heat. Our eyes mesmerized by the amber flames rising and billowing smoke that the slight wind would carry off in to the night.

“This is nice.” Zayn stated while poking a stick into the fire. “Remember when we first met.” He added. I smiled at the memory.

“Yeah. The first time I met Liam, he was naked in our hotel room.” I chuckled.

“Hey, I had a towel wrapped around me.” He claimed in defense. “We met Zayn right after.” Liam added and Zayn nodded his head in agreement.

“Yeah, me and umm….God, what was his name. I can’t believe I forgot.”

“Colin” I said, coming to Zayn’s aide. “Colin Anderson”

“That’s right. Colin and I shared the room next to you two and we came over to say hello. What happened to him?”

“I actually saw him last year.” Liam stated. “He is married and has twin boys now. He and his wife own their own musical instrument shop up near Leeds.”

“How did you run into him?” I asked.

“At the Leeds Festival.”

“I’m glad he is doing well. I’m sorry we lost touch with him. He was a nice guy.” Zayn replied and Liam and I agreed.

“I hate this reminiscing.” Louis scoffed. “None of it involves me. Get to my part of the story already, sheesh!” All of us laugh at Louis’ outburst.

Harry is sitting right next to me and he leans over and taps me on the arm.

“Remember when we first met?” he asks.

“Of course. The fourth of May, twenty thirteen. My audition day.” I said. I would always remember the exact day that Harry and I met because it held such significance. My audition and the day meeting my crush were one in the same. That is a day that I would never forget. I had the pick necklace sitting in the drawer of my nightstand for reminding if I should ever need it.

“I was so nervous.”

“You did amazing, though. You sang my song better than me.” He smiled.

“Yeah sure. I think your nose just grew a half an inch.” I jokingly claimed and then flicked the tip of his nose. We started laughing. I looked up and saw Liam staring at me. He half smiled and I assessed my current situation and realized how that flick of his nose could be taken as flirting. I sat upright in my chair, putting some distance between Harry and I.

“I’m still nowhere in any of these stories!” Louis grumbled and we all began to laugh again.

“Fine, Lou. I remember when we first met.” Harry smiled. I chuckled because I knew the story of how Louis and Harry met; Harry having told me a few months after we began dating. “We were around four and you were in a sandbox getting beat up by a girl and I saved your scrawny behind.”

“I don’t think it exactly went down like that, Harry.” He replied and pushed Harry’s shoulder and because Louis is inebriated, he used a little more force than necessary, sending Harry and his chair toppling into my direction. Harry let out a scream as his chair went down. His head hit my shoulder and his chair gave way and he collapsed on the ground. 

It was all in slow motion and as he was heading for the ground, I grabbed his hand. I didn’t really save him from the fall but I never let go. We all broke out into fits of laughter. No harm came to Harry; it wasn’t even that big of a fall but Harry looked up at me after a few moments. His hand was still tightly encased in mine. We stared at each other for a few seconds before someone, likely Liam, coughed. I snapped out of whatever was happening and stood up from my chair. I extending out my other hand for Harry to grab and helped him back up to his feet.

“Thanks” he said softly and then let go of my hands and set his chair back up right.

“Yeah, no problem.” I replied and returned to my seat.

We remained out in front of the fire for an hour until the chill of the evening could no longer be staved off by the flames of the fire. We gathered up all of our belonging and headed back into the warmth of Liam’s home.

Once inside, we were all deciding if we should just stay the night or get taxis home. Zayn, Louis and Harry all decided to stay. I was still undecided. I know that I would be in completely separate rooms of the house from Harry while sleeping, but I still didn’t know how comfortable I would be with the situation and I certainly didn’t want to have Ryan thinking about me and Harry sleeping in the same house. I know he wouldn’t say anything regarding the matter, but I wouldn’t want to put him through that. I walked off into the den for some privacy to make a phone call.

“Hello” Ryan answered, clearly woken up from sleep.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I woke you up.”

“No that’s fine, babe. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that everyone is gonna crash at Liam’s tonight and I don’t want to.”

“Why not? Are you ok? Are you feeling fine?”

“Yeah, I feel fine. I’m a little drunk but I just…..you know…with Harry being here and all…….I don’t want you to think anything bad…you know.”

“Babe, I wouldn’t think anything bad….I don’t think.” He chuckles, making me laugh as well. “Do you want me to come and get you?”

“Would you? Please?”

“Absolutely. I’ll be there in twenty.”

“Thanks, babe”

“You’re welcome. See ya soon.”

“Ok, bye.”

“Bye”

 

“Where did you run off to?” Liam asked as he was carrying out some blankets to Harry, who decided to sleep on one of the sofas. “Looks like you’ll be taking the other sofa, Louis and Zayn already claimed the two guest bedrooms and are already in bed. I’ll go get you some blankets and a pillow.”

“No, that’s ok. I’m not staying.” Liam and Harry look at me with questioning glances.

“You can’t drive home, Ni. You’ve had too much to drink.” Harry states with concern in his voice.

“I just talked to Ryan, actually. He is on his way to pick me up.”

“Oh” Harry responded and then laid his body down on the sofa.

“Well, I’m off to bed then. Just lock the door when you leave, yeah?” Liam said and then gave me a hug goodbye.

“Will do, mate. Have a good night.” I hugged back.

“You too” He said walking towards the stairs that led to his room. I took a seat on the couch, opposite the one Harry is currently laying, and kept my phone in my hands; waiting for Ryan to text that he is out front. 

After a few silent moments, Harry sighed.

“You’re leaving because of me, aren’t you?”

“I guess.” I softly replied. “I just don’t think it’s appropriate for me to sleep near you, just yet. I don’t want Ryan to have swallow feelings about the situation.”

“What do you mean, swallow feelings?” He asked.

“Ryan is never going to say that he is bothered by something. He just wants me to be happy even if it were to cause him stress or hurt. I won’t do that to him. So I know he would never say that I can’t sleep here but I know that he wouldn’t be crazy about the idea of us sleeping so close to one another, even if he trusts me completely and knows that I would never cheat on him.”

“Oh” was his only reply.

“So your birthday is in a few days” I said, quickly trying to change the subject.

“Yeah. Ugh. I’m getting so old.”

“Please. You’ll only be twenty seven. You are not old, Harry” He shrugs his shoulders and then rolls over onto his side so that he is now facing me instead of being on his back and props his elbow up and leans his head on his hand. “Lou is throwing you a party, right?”

“Yeah. It will be next Saturday. The third.”

“That should be fun” I half smile. I can feel that we are both trying to be friendly and it is just slightly awkward. 

“I guess. You know how Lou’s parties usually go.” He stifles a chuckle and I smirk. “Are…um…are you gonna be there? You can bring Ryan.” His eyes look upset but at least he is trying and I lightly smile in response.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Ok. We’ll be there.” I say and then my phone buzzes in my hand. I look down at the screen and see a text from Ryan stating that he is out front. I look at Harry and I stand from the couch and he does the same.

“I’ll see next Saturday then, yeah?” I say and hold out my arms for a hug. He immediately is in my arms and wrapping his around me.

“Ok. See you then” He whispers and then releases me from his grasp.

“Night Harry”

“Goodnight, Ni”

I softly open the front door and before closing it, I hear the soft sighing of Harry. I drop my shoulders in sadness. Why can’t this be easy? 

I lock the door and then shut it behind me. I get into the passenger’s side of Ryan’s car and am greeted with a kiss. A kiss that I didn’t realize I needed until just now. He started to pull away but I prevented him from doing so by running my hands through the back of his hair and holding him in place. I apply more pressure to his lips and kiss him passionately, earning a moan from him. I finally pull away and place my forehead on his. He runs the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip.

“I missed you” I whispered against his lips.

“I missed you, too baby.” He placed one more kiss on my lips and then pulled away. He shifted the car into drive and we began our trip back to his place.

 

“Got any big plans for the weekend?” Travis asked. 

We have been in the studio every day this week working on new material and it has been going really well. I am surprised how well Travis and I gel, musically. He really understands my vision and I couldn’t be more appreciative.

“Not really big plans per say. Just going to a party on Saturday night.” I reply with a shrug. I may be slightly nervous about the whole thing because Ryan will be coming with me and it is Harry’s party but I don’t know Travis well enough to divulge my personal life in much detail.

“Harry Styles’ birthday party?” I cocked an eye brow at his response.

“Yeah. How did you know?” I inquired.

“I hear it’s going to be a big one. I’m actually going as well. I hear that best friend of his invited over a hundred people and you know each of those people will probably be brining someone, so it should be a huge turnout.”

“Wow. Didn’t think that it would be that large. I know Harry probably doesn’t like that idea.” I replied knowing very well that Harry isn’t one for large parties. He never has been. 

“Well, I’m sure he won’t say anything about it. Harry’s too nice to mention it.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Harry usually goes along with any of Lou’s plans.” 

“So, should we get back to it then?” He asks, looking at his watch.

“Sounds good.”

With another song written and our session slowing down, both of our brains overworked with notes, lyrics and melodies, I suggested calling it a day. I flipped through my leather bound note book, mindlessly.

“….Niall” I snapped my head up and looked at a chuckling Travis. “Must be something good in that little book of yours.”

“Not really. I must have zoned out for a minute.” I replied and closed the book.

“What’s in there?” He asked.

“Just a bunch of my ramblings. I usually fill one of these a year.”

“I figured. So, any more songs coming out of that thing then?” he points to the book. I shrug.

“I think that I have gotten all I could out of it. I can’t really make out anything else. I already have about eight songs from it and then about four of the ones we did together have some of the lyrics from in here.”

“Well, not that I want to pry into something as personal as your lyric journal, but a fresh set of eyes might bring something else off the pages and into a song.” I thought about his suggestion. I really thought about if I wanted someone else to read over all of the thoughts that I have had traveling through my mind over the last year. But I guess it couldn’t hurt. 

“Maybe you’re right.” I conceded and handed the book, with its pages filled with blue and black ink, over to him. “I’m kinda tired. Let’s just pick this back up tomorrow, yeah? That will give you a chance to look it over tonight and see if you can come up with anything.”

“Sounds great. I’ll see what I can make of some of the things written. I’m sure there are great lyrics in here that you are just missing because you look through it all the time.” We say our goodbyes and a half hour later I am home and in bed. Sadly, it’s only a cat nap that I am allowing myself. I have a date with Ryan at seven and have to be up to get ready in about two hours. I am very happy to be seeing him and I am sure we will have a great time, but I just wish I could sleep all evening.

Ryan arrived just before seven and looked as handsome as ever. We greeted each other with a kiss and were out the door soon after and heading to the restaurant at which Ryan already made reservations.

“We really haven’t seen each other much this week, babe. I’ve missed you.” Ryan states and takes hold of my hand across the table while we are waiting for our food to arrive.

“I know” I sigh. “You’ve been really busy and so have I. I feel like we haven’t even talked that much.”

“So, darling…” he began with a posh accent, swirling his wine around in the glass, earning a smirk from me. “what have you been up to?”

“You know, the usual. I spent last night with Fredrico and the day with Antonio and after I finish with this boring dinner, I’ll be going with Priscilla to Monaco.” I quirk an eyebrow and wink.

“Good. That means I’ll have time alone with Anastasia for the next couple days. It’ll be good to be rid of ya.” My mouth drops open in fictitious shock and I pick an ice cube out of my glass of water and toss it at him. He ducks his head and the cube falls on the floor. We both begin to laugh and notice disapproving stares from other patrons of the restaurant sitting in our vicinity.

We reigned in our playful actions and began to discuss the actual events of each of our weeks, so far. After a few minutes I remembered that we never talked about the bonfire at Liam’s and that also means that I haven’t told him about Harry’s birthday party on Saturday.

We talked about his night out and my night with the boys at Liam’s and I was glad to hear that he had a good time with his friends. I decided now would be a good time to talk about the party.

“So, Harry’s birthday party is on Saturday night” I said.

“Really? That should be fun. You’re going right?”

“Actually, we’re going.” I replied and waited for his reaction.

“What? Are you sure that’s a good idea? What about Harry’s feelings?” He sweetly replied. Always thinking of other’s feelings over his own.

“Yes. It was Harry’s idea that you come with me.” His mouth dropped and I smiled.

“For real? Harry wants me there? Are you sure?”

“Yes, Ry. He is really trying to be my friend and I think him inviting you was the first big step for him. So, will you go with me?”

“Of course. If you want me there, that is.”

“I absolutely want you there with me, baby. Nothing would make me happier.” I brought our joined hands up to my mouth so I could kiss the back of his hand. 

“Thank you” he replied with a smile. “I’d be happy to go with you.”

“Are you coming in?” I ask as he pulls up in front of my house after our dinner and movie date. He looks at his watch and then back at me.

“I probably shouldn’t. I have to be up super early to get to the studio and I am sure I wouldn’t get much sleep if I were to stay the night.” he winked.

“No. You definitely wouldn’t” I responded seductively and ran my hand down his chest, slowly, stopping just at the top of his jeans. I leaned my body close to his and pressed a kiss to the base of his jaw and then lightly licked the lobe of his ear. His breath hitched and his hand moved to grab the back of my hair. He looked deeply into my eyes and moved his lips onto mine.

After a few minutes of heavily kissing, I began to move my hand, still at the top of his jeans, lower and started to palm him through the fabric. He tilted his hips up to meet my hand and I applied more pressure. He moaned and I gently bit his bottom lip. I felt his grip on my hair tighten and he tilted my head to the side and worked down my jaw and neck with open mouth kisses.

The windows of the vehicle were becoming cloudy with steam and the soft music from the radio was being drowned out by our moans. We, after much hesitation, slowed down our actions - eventually coming to a full stop. Our breathing was still heavy and eyes still very much filled with lust as we rested our foreheads against one another.

He looked back down at his watch.

“That was the best fifteen minutes I’ve ever spent in this car.” He smirked and I laughed and placed another kiss on his lips.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, babe. Drive safe.” I place one more kiss on his lips and exit the car. He said goodbye and drove off.

I got right into bed and looked over at my alarm clock. I set it for eight in the morning, allowing me plenty of time to get to the studio by ten. I lay my head on my pillow and look at the clock once more; 12:01 AM is what the bright red numbers and letter read. I thought about it for a minute and then it came to me. It is officially the first of February. It is officially Harry’s birthday.

Without a second thought, I grabbed my phone and began typing.

To: Harry

Happy Birthday, old man!! ;)

I received a response right away and smiled.

To: Niall

Yeah, I get fitted for my prosthetic hip tomorrow. ;)

To: Harry

Haha. Really!? I would have thought you needed a hearing aid. I mean, I would’ve called to wish you a happy birthday but you’re hearing isn’t what it used to be, so I figured it best that I text.

To: Niall

Very funny, wise guy. But seriously, thank you. I appreciate it and am happy that you remembered. You’re the first to wish me a happy birthday. You even beat Lou.

To: Harry

Well I’m glad I’m first. I’ll have to rub that fact into Louis’ face when I see him next. I guess I’ll see you on Saturday night. I hope you have a really great birthday, Harry! Goodnight!

To: Niall

I’m sure Lou will really appreciate that and I’ll laugh! Thank you again, Ni. And yes, I’ll see you on Saturday. Have a good night! x

Ok. So he sent ‘a kiss’ with that last message. Probably nothing to it. Just a slip up on his part or even something that he meant in a friendly way. I mean, I send a text kiss or two to Lou, Liam and Zayn on occasion so I shouldn’t really be reading too much into his little ‘x’. I set my phone back on the charger and close my eyes, ready for sleep.

“I totally have something. You are so brilliant, Niall. I can’t believe that you didn’t see these lyrics. Once I put all of the fragments together, it made perfect sense and I think this may be a hit. It’s a perfect song. I’ll play you what I have come up with and then we can spend the afternoon perfecting it. Sound good?” Travis said excitedly and I responded to his excitement with a smile.

“Sounds great. I’m looking forward to what you found.” He hands me the lyrics, typed out and I look them over quickly. Recognition of the words that are typed in front of me are flashing through my head and hitting emotions that I haven’t held in a long time. 

I remember what I was feeling after the breakup when I wrote the words ‘give me a reason and I won’t break down.’ I also remember, around that same time, thinking that I can’t do any of this without Harry when I jotted down ‘I can’t write my words, when I don’t have you’. I remember those days and those words clearly and felt like giving it all up because, even though it was my decision, I no longer had Harry. I also know the pain he was going through and the look on his face when I walked away, so when I wrote the words ‘how could you leave me, just when you see me crying’; I wrote those on behalf of him, because of my guilt for ending what we had.

I continue to read what Travis arranged and I looked up at him, obviously waiting for my reaction, and I smiled. Regardless of how personal and painful these words were, he really did come up with a beautiful and heartfelt song. I see him visibly relax and smile.

“So here are the chords I’ve come up with to accompany it.” I nod and he begins playing. I let the strings on the guitar make the melody for a few minutes and then I finally, with the paper full of my lyrics in my hand, begin to sing.

“It’s really great” I smile. We have spent the last few hours filling in any spots that needed something extra, coming up with a few new lyrics to add to it and tweaking it to perfection. Travis agrees and suggests that we record it to make a rough cut of the song for the label. 

Another hour has passed and we have completed with the initial recording of it and by that time I am ready to sleep. I gather my things and thank Travis again and let him know that I’ll see him on Saturday night at Harry’s party.

“I’m glad you came over” I smile and place a kiss on Ryan’s lips. It was a late night for the both of us and he didn’t arrive until about eleven this evening and we weren’t naïve in thinking that we just wanted to cuddle. No, this was a physical visit. This evening was dripping with half met passion and lust from last night’s date that were never fully fulfilled. However Ryan, being the terribly sweet boyfriend, insisted on a little bit of romance and sweet nothings spoken between us first; when I just really wanted to take him into my room and have my way with him.

“Can I hear what you and Travis did today? Play something for me?” He asked while softly massaging my back. I lightly moaned and rolled my head back in pleasure. His hands felt amazing and I didn’t want them to stop.

“Can I?” He asks again and places a kiss at the base of my neck.

“Sure” I reply softly and turn my face to his and kiss his lips and remain lingering there for a few moments. I then stand, place a kiss on his forehead and walk to the other side of the living room to get my guitar. He sits up straighter on the couch and I take a seat next to him and we both turn our bodies in towards each other. I get situated and begin to strum out the chords to the song that Travis and I completed today.

“……how could you leave me? How could you leave me? Now you’ll never see me. Give me a reason and I won’t breakdown. Give me a reason and I won’t breakdown. If you go, I’ll never be found. You gotta, give me a reason and I won’t breakdown.”

I continue on with the song and eventually after about three minutes the song is completed and I play the last chord.

“What do you think?” I ask with a nervous smile. He smiles brightly.

“Ni, that was a beautiful song. I loved it. You are so talented. I’m proud of you, baby” He removes the guitar from my lap and climbs onto to the spot that was just occupied by my guitar; straddling my hips. I smirk up at him and he grabs either side of my face.

“I’ll sing sappy songs more often if this is the reaction I get” I then wink and he chuckles; lower his face towards mine and our lips press together, finally. 

Friday was fairly uneventful. I decided to take the day off and shop around. Ryan left early in the morning having scheduled studio time that he couldn’t miss. He worked all of Friday and even this morning. We wouldn’t see each other again until he picked me up for Harry’s party tonight.

I wasn’t quite sure of what I should get Harry for a gift. I knew that he wouldn’t be expecting anything and I also know that he will likely tell me that I didn’t have to get him anything but I wanted to. I wanted to find something that was meaningful but at the same time wouldn’t cross over the friendship line.

I must have spent all Friday afternoon looking; even calling Lou for help. He, like I expected, was no real help. He stated that the best birthday gift that I could give him would be in the form of a kiss or mind blowing sexual experience. I don’t quite know how he could jump from a suggestion of a simple kiss to a heated love making session, but that is how Lou’s mind works. Needless to say, the conversation with him ended almost immediately after those suggestions.

I arrived back home on Friday evening frustrated with the fact that I hadn’t found anything. I felt defeated but decided that I would shop around on the computer to see if I could find any ideas. Then the thought occurred to me that even if I saw something online, I wouldn’t be able to get it shipped here before the party. I dropped my head onto my desk and sighed.

A picture. The idea popped into my head. A picture of the two of us when we were just friends. Would that be too much? I knew of the perfect one as well. I decided to call Liam to see if giving Harry a framed a picture of the two of us would be crossing the line. He said that it would depend on the picture, obviously, but he thought it would be a nice gesture. So it was solved. I would print out and frame a picture of Harry and me. Nothing large; no bigger than a five by seven size.

I ran out to the closest gift shop and purchased the frame, gift wrap and a card. I already had photo paper and a very nice printer that I had purchased some time ago. I love being able to print off my own pictures so I purchased the supplies necessary to do just that a couple years ago.

I roamed through the folders and folders of pictures that were save on my laptop; searching for the one I had in mind. I found it after about ten minutes. Due to the black frame with a white mat that I bought, I thought the picture would look best if I changed it to black and white. 

After the picture was printed and placed into the frame, I admired it warmly. I remember that moment captured by my mother perfectly. It was the first day that Harry and I met; shortly after my audition when he came out and caught up with me before my family and I left the stadium. It was just after Harry signed my guitar and he placed his arm around my waist. I can remember like it was yesterday. I was so nervous, so I kept one hand on my guitar and the other in my pocket. Harry always wanted a copy of this picture, but he never received one. So I thought that it would be a great way to symbolize our new friendship; giving him the picture of the first day that we became friends, so to speak.

I wrapped the framed gift and signed the birthday card; deciding just to sign my name on the inside and opt out of writing any special note.

Today I had been keeping myself busy. I made sure the gift was next to the door so that I wouldn’t forget it. I cleaned my entire home, it oddly calmed my nerves. Not that I was nervous about seeing Harry because we have seen each other a bunch of times now and I happily consider him my friend, but I am nervous because this will be the first time that Ryan and I are together in the same location as Harry. I worried that Harry will be hurting and he shouldn’t have to feel any hurt at his birthday party.

I am nervous for Ryan because I know he is very nervous but won’t admit it to me. I am sure he worries about the interaction that will happen between Harry and me, like maybe he will see something between us, unresolved feelings or anything similar. I can’t blame him but I worry he might see something that is not there but won’t say anything to me in regard to it because he is too worried to hurt my feelings.

The time is passing by slowly. It is around seven in the evening when I begin to get ready. Having spoken to Lou earlier today, he informed that it would be a casual atmosphere and dress in whatever makes me comfortable. Comfortable for me would be sweats and a baggy shirt but I certainly wasn’t going like that. So I opted for black jeans, a black tee, black and white trainers and a black and white varsity type jacket with the sleeves pushed up slightly. My hair was put into its usual quiff and I was good to go.

Ryan arrives around nine thirty. I greeted him with my usually kiss and we were off to the party. His body language showed apprehension so I held his hand the entire ride, rubbing soothing circles onto his palm with my thumb.

“Whenever you want to leave just let me know, ok.” I stated as he parked the car in the designated lot across the street from the venue and removed the keys from the ignition. His smile was the only response I needed.

“Ready?” He asked and I nodded. We exited the car and walked to the front of the building. Along the way we were met with many photographers, I’m sure information regarding Harry’s party leaked and they are here to get all of the pictures they can for gossip; me being here with Ryan will make front page for sure.

We were ushered into the already packed party. I looked at my watch thinking that maybe we were late but the party was to begin at ten and it is just ten now. I am guessing a lot of people must have arrived early.

We recognize many people, saying hello and having short conversations with them as we make our way to the bar. We were both served our first drink of the night and remained close to one another. Ryan kept his arm around my waist as we looked out into the crowd trying to look for Liam, Zayn or Louis but other than that, we kept all other displays of affection to a minimum as soon as we entered the building.

“Ryan, Niall!” Zayn yells from across the room. We lock eyes with him and he makes his way across the room; a beautiful brunette on his arm. We greet him with a hug and the introductions are made.

“This is Siobhan” Zayn states, motioning to the girl. She smile politely and Ryan and I both shake her hand.

“Irish, then, yeah?” I question her with a bright smile. It’s always nice to meet another Ireland born individual in London.

“Guilty” she replies with a bright smile and a familiar brogue.

“Glad you both are here. We never all hang out anymore.”

“Obvious reasons, Zayn” Ryan states with a sad smile. I rub his back in comfort.

“I know. Well at least you’re here tonight. Harry said that he told Niall to bring you. So that’s a good thing.”

“I hope so.” Ryan smiles. Soon after we are joined by Liam and not long after that, Lou makes his appearance.

We all talk for a little while. Lou told us that Harry would be arriving around eleven. I looked at my watch and saw that it was about fifteen minutes til. The nerves were building and I was telling myself over and over to make sure that Ryan and I do not do anything in front of Harry. 

I guess maybe he should see me kiss him or hold him or look longingly into my boyfriend’s eyes just so he really gets and sees that I am very happy, but that would just be cruel and I can’t and won’t be that person. I also know that Ryan isn’t that person either. That knowledge I have of Ryan was confirmed when we all took notice of Harry walking in and making his way over to us. Ryan let go of my waist immediately and put slight distance in between us.

I know Harry looked at Ryan and me first but quickly averted his eyes and said hello to Liam, Zayn and Lou. All wished him a happy birthday and once he was finished greeting them, he turned to me.

“Hey you” He smiles and goes in for a hug, like he did with the guys. 

“Hi. Happy birthday.” I reply and then pull back from the embrace.

“Thanks, Ni.” He smiles and the looks at Ryan. They haven’t seen each other or spoken since the day of his last concert, back in August and even then Harry didn’t really talk to him because that was the day that he found out I was developing feelings for Ryan. All of us are just staring at them while the greeting is made.

“Hey, Harry. Happy Birthday.” Ryan states first. “Thanks for the invite. It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, hi. Thanks for coming.” Harry then surprises us all by going in for a hug. Shocked faces make an appearance on all of us, but the most shocked of all is Ryan. He takes a moment to gather himself before he hugs Harry back and the embrace is over within a few seconds. 

They smile at each other once more and then Harry looks at me and displays a soft smile and while Lou now has Ryan’s attention, I mouth a ‘thank you’ to Harry. He nods and then begins to converse with Zayn and Siobhan.

“I left Harry’s gift in the car.” I whisper to Ryan.

“Do you want me to go and get it for you?” He replies.

“Would you actually mind if I went with Harry out the car to get it and give it to him? Now that I am thinking about it, this isn’t really the atmosphere to gives presents. It’s just a framed a picture of the two of us when we first met. The day of my audition. I thought it would be a great gift to kind of cement out new friendship.”

“That’s really nice. I’m sure he will like it. And no, I don’t mind. I’ll just hand with the guys until you get back.” He smiles and then places a chaste kiss on my lips and then one next to my ear and whispers for me to hurry back. I smile and nod and then turn my attention to Harry.

“I have a gift for you in the car. Will you come with me to get it?” I softly ask and he smiles and nods. Before walking out with Harry, I look and smile at Ryan and motion a kiss in the air for him as I am walking away. He smiles and winks, blowing a kiss back to me.

Harry and I walk silently over to Ryan’s car. There were still some paps outside but Harry and I managed to avoid them by exiting the building through a side entrance. 

“New car?” He asks when we approach the car. 

“No, it’s Ryan’s” I mumble and peek over to him and see a simple nod.

I unlocked the car and reached in to get the gift from the back seat. I smiled and handed it over to Harry who happily accepted it.

“Thanks, Ni. You didn’t have to get me anything though.”

“I know. But I did, so I hope you like it.” He smiled and then opened and read the card. He thanked me for that and then began to peel the wrapping paper from the gift.

Once the framed picture was revealed, he held it still and stared at it for a few minutes; a light smile appearing on his face.

“This is perfect, Ni. Thank you so much.” He says and pulls me in for a hug.

“I’m glad you like it. I realized that you never did get a copy of that picture, so now you do” I pull away from the hug and Harry’s eyes are now trained on mine.

“It’s great, really. Thank you.” He looks at the picture once more and then back to me. “I’m gonna just put this in my car.” He motions across the parking lot where his vehicle is and I nod and walk with him over to it. We hug once more and then take the same hidden path back into the building and back to our friends.

“Good?” Ryan asks as I wrap my arm around his waist and kiss his cheek with a small hello.

“Yeah, great.” I smile and he presses his lips to my head.

“Well, guest of honor” Lou begins, looking at Harry and grabbing his wrist. “It’s time to say hello to everyone. Follow me” He then pulls Harry away and over to the stage before he could say goodbye to us. 

Every person at the party sees Lou, with Harry in tow, walk onto the stage and grab the mic. The party quiets and all attention is on them.

“Hello everyone. Great to see you all and thank you for coming. Just wanted to give the birthday boy a chance to speak.” Lou then hands the mic over to Harry.

“Thank you all for coming. It means a lot that you are all here to celebrate with me. I love you all.” He smiles and some people cheer. “I also want to say a special thank you to my best friend, Lou.” He turns and smiles at Louis. “You have had to put up with me for over twenty years and you are still here throwing me this party and I love you, mate. Thanks.” Lou pulls Harry in for a hug and the ‘awes’ can be heard throughout the room.

Lou takes the mic back from Harry and then begins to sing Happy Birthday; everyone in the room joining in moments after Louis began.

“Guess who!” A female voice stated and giggled as she placed her hands over my eyes. It was a voice that I would have no trouble recognizing. I smiled and grabbed her hands and turned around quickly, wrapping my arms around her waist, lifting her off her feet and twirling her around in excitement.

“Gemma!” I exclaimed and kissed her on her cheek. She continued laughing; a laugh that was also joined with another distinguishable laugh; Harry’s. All of us were standing in a group when Gemma shielded my eyes. I glance over at him to see the smile on his face that went from ear to ear.

“Put me down, crazy!” She squealed and slapped my arm; brining my attention back to her. I laughed and set her back on her feet.

Gemma and I haven’t seen each other for about six months. She was there throughout Harry and my relationship, supporting us and being an amazing friend to me. After Harry and I split, she helped me out a lot and allowed me to vent to her about her idiot brother. She shared the same feelings and enthusiasm as Louis did regarding Harry and me getting back together. I have to say that I began to pull away from her when I started having feelings for Ryan. I felt guilty because I knew she wanted her brother happy with me but I couldn’t give him that and I thought it would be easier if we didn’t really see much of each other.

“I’ve missed you.” I whispered while still holding her in an embrace.

“Missed you too, Niall. I’m glad you’re here. It’s really great to see you.” She kissed my cheek and we pulled away.

“Mum’s mad at you.” She stated with a little hint of sarcasm and quirked her eyebrow. “She couldn’t be here tonight but demands that you go and visit her. She misses you, too.” I half smile. So maybe I cut Harry’s other family members out of my life as well and maybe it was more for my benefit than his or theirs. It was just too hard to continue to surround myself with a family that I loved, and still do, and wanted to be a part of. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll call her this week. Tell her I miss her, too. I’ll try to make it up to Cheshire in the next couple of weeks. Not sure when, though because mum and dad will be here in about a week and I’m in the studio most days. I’ve just been really busy.” Everyone is immersed in their own separate conversations at this point but I can see out of the corner of my eye, Ryan and Harry paying attention to Gemma and me.

“Busy is good. I guess that just means that your career is going strong. And I know Bobby and Maura are coming.” I gave a confused look. She smiled and offered the explanation. “Mum and Maura made plans to get together while they are visiting.”

“Oh. Mum never told me. Well, that’s nice. Maybe I’ll find out what day they will be going up to Cheshire and I’ll see if I can go with them.”

“Mum and dad would love that! They’d love to see you.” She smiles and then gives me another hug. We pull away and she begins a conversation with Zayn. I look between Ryan and Harry, who appeared to be having a small conversation of their own; which was kind of surprising. I smiled lightly at Harry and then stepped next to Ryan and asked him to come with me to get a drink.

“Are you ok?” I asked when we were away from the crowd.

“Yes, I’m fine” Ryan replies but I can tell there is a slight hint of sadness and I don’t want that for him. Forgetting my plan to keep our affection down, I placed a kiss on his lips and held it there. I soon felt pressure from his lips and his hands hold tightly to my hips. We pulled away and then went back in for a couple more chaste kisses. I held onto his arms, while he was still holding my waist. I rested my forehead against his and looked him deeply in the eyes.

“Baby, you can tell me if something is bothering you. Please.” He sighs and kisses my lips once more. He then rests his back against the wall that we were standing near. He hooks his index fingers into two of my belt loops and looks down. I wait for him to speak. 

“I guess seeing you with his sister kinda made me sad for you.”

“Why would you be sad for me?” I ask softly.

“Because they miss you and you miss them and you haven’t seen them since you have been with me and I feel bad and don’t want to be the reason for that.”

“Awe, baby” I say and hold onto either side of his face, lifting his head so that his eyes are now looking at mine and not at the floor. I kiss the tip of his nose and smile.

“It isn’t your fault, Ryan. At all. You are not the reason that I haven’t seen them in a while. It’s on me. It was easier on me not to see them. I just never got back in touch with them but I will certainly visit with them now. If that’s ok with you.”

“Of course it’s ok with me. They obviously mean a lot to you and you mean a great deal to them.” I smile at his reply.

“You are perfect.” I say and kiss his lips.

“So you keep telling me.” He smiles.

“I know. Maybe I should stop. Don’t want that head of yours getting any bigger!” I joke. He laughs and wraps his arms around me. 

We hold each other tight and I rest my head on his shoulder. We sway slightly, back and forth and our bodies end up turning in a half circle. My back is now against the wall. I rest my chin on his shoulder, close my eyes and sigh in happiness and contentment. I place a kiss on the side of his neck and he tucks his face into the crook of mine. My hands are running up and down his back, slowly. I place another kiss on his skin and reopen my eyes to immediately make contact with another pair of eyes locked on me from across the room; familiar green eyes, filled with sadness. Guilt immediately takes place and I close my eyes once more and hide my face in Ryan’s chest.

The party is still in full swing even though it is nearing one in the morning. Ryan and I have since rejoined the others again but I’ve taken notice that Harry is keeping his distance. I know he saw what took place between Ryan and me and I feel horrible but there is nothing I can do to change it except, once again, being mindful of the interactions between us.

Another half hour passes and I see Lou walk up on to the stage. He smiles and waves at everyone and then takes the mic.

“Again, thank you all for coming.” He waves and continues. “Harry, come on up here.” He motions to Harry and he cocks a brow at Louis but walks up there to stand next to his best friend.

“So, my dear friend, people have been telling me all night that they want you to perform a song. I think you should; as a thank you to everyone who came to your lame party.” He chuckles out the last bit and is hit on the arm by Harry.

“Fine.” Harry concedes and takes the mic from Louis. He smiles at everyone; all eyes now on Harry. Lou runs off for a moment and comes back from wherever he went with a guitar in his hand.

“You obviously planned this, Lou” Harry states and Lou simply winks at his best friend. He hops off the stage and come over to join Zayn, Liam, Ryan and myself. Everyone claps as Harry put the mic on the stand and pulls up a stool that was off to the side of the stage.

“It really does mean a lot to me that you could make it here tonight. Thank you so much.” He smiles. “So….a song.” He is clearly deciding what he wants to sing. He is displaying his thinking face that I use to tease him about. I chuckle internally and smile up at him even though his eyes are trained on the ceiling.

I have one hand holding a beer and the other in my pocket while Ryan is holding onto a beer himself and his other hand is wrapped around my waist and resting on my hip. I haven’t heard Harry singing live since last August and to be honest, I very much miss it. He is too talented to not be singing and I can’t help but feel guilty about the whole thing because I know the reasons he isn’t doing it anymore and us not being together is a big reason. 

Harry closes his eyes and reopens them only to look in our direction; more specifically at me. He only leaves his eyes on me for a moment, likely because Ryan is right next to me but he then begins to speak.

“So this is probably one of my favorite songs. So…..yeah….” He trails off and then begins to play and as soon as the first chord is strummed, my heart sinks.

“In the morning when I wake and the sun is coming through, oh you fill my lungs with sweetness and you fill my head with you……” He continues to sing and occasionally will look around at the audience but his eyes will always make contact with mine for quick knowing moments. 

I do all that I can to hold the tears in. I do all I can to shield the hurt and sadness. I do all I can to hide the pain and anger I am feeling at this moment because of the song he chose to sing. 

I see the watery gloss covering his eyes. A sight that only those closest to him would be able to pick up on; having been with him for three years, I know. For whatever reason though, I am unable to take my eyes off of him.

I feel someone touch my arm; a touch that pulled my eyes from Harry for a second. Gemma has sympathy in her eyes. I sadly smile and switch my beer into my other hand and then intertwine my fingers with hers. I needed the comfort of some who knows what this songs means and right now there are only four in the room that know; myself, Harry, Gemma and Lou. Lou looks at me with sadness as well and then we turn our attention back to Harry.

“can I be close to you……” He continues singing and it is getting harder and harder to breathe normally. I have to hide it though because I don’t want Ryan to notice. 

“ oh the whole world, it is sleeping. But my world is you. Can I be close to you….” My grip on Gemma’s hand tightens slightly and she rests her head on my shoulder.

I know Harry sees this. I know Harry can see the looks on mine, Gemma’s and Lou’s face. Why would he do this? Why would he want to hurt himself like this; I know he is hurting. I’m hurting. 

The song is coming to an end. The lyrics have stopped and he strums the last chords and everyone begins to cheer. Ryan left go of my waist to clap and cheer for Harry as well. If only he knew what Harry just did. Lou is by my side the second it is over and wraps his arms around me. I look at Ryan and smile as best as I can, still trying to mask what just took place. Liam sees something in my eyes and gives me a questioning look. Without another thought he pulls Ryan into a conversation. He must know something is wrong and is giving me the time to catch my breath without Ryan knowing and I am grateful to him.

“I’m sorry, Niall” Lou whispers.

“I’m ok. It’s fine.” Gemma and Lou just look at me. They know I’m not fine and give me looks to show that. “It’s upsetting that he would sing that but more upsetting that he would want to hurt himself like that.” They nod and we glance around the room looking for Harry. We can see that he is making his way towards us but is being stopped frequently by many of the party goers.

Ryan is back by my side seconds later and a few moments after that Harry has joined.

“That was really great, Harry” Ryan stated, completely oblivious to the sadness and pain circling Harry and myself.

“Thanks, Ryan” He replies and then turns his attention to Gemma who opens her arms for him and he shuffles into them. The rest of us give them their sibling moment and talk amongst ourselves.

“I’m off!” Gemma exclaims and gives us each a hug. “Niall, will you be a dear and lend Ryan to me for about ten minutes so that he can walk me to my car?” Oh God. I know the reasoning behind this. I smile and look at Ryan. He smiles brightly and holds out his arm for her to take.

“I’ll be right back” he smiles and walks arm and arm out of the building with Gemma.

Once they are out of sight, I excuse myself from the guys and walk away; heading to any secluded place that I can find. I know Harry is following me and I guess that is why Gemma got Ryan away for a little bit. 

I eventually find myself in an empty stairwell and lean against the wall and hide my face in my hands and let the tears fall. It only takes a minute before I feel his arms wrapped around me.

“I’m sorry” he whispers over and over as his head is tucked into my neck; his breath hot on my skin. I feel wetness, obviously his tears, running down my neck.

“Why would you do that? Why would you sing that, Harry? Why?” I lightly sobbed out. The words a bit muffled due to the fact that I am pressed to his chest and my face is still hidden in my hands. He says nothing.

I calm down slightly and lift my head and put slight pressure against him so that he will release me from his embrace. I look into his tear soaked eyes with my own and he reaches up to brush the wetness from both of my cheeks.

“Why sing our song, Harry.” I sighed but still received no answer. “Why would you do that to yourself? It obviously caused you pain. Why do that to me? I am here with my boyfriend Harry; my boyfriend that you invited. I am happy with him, why would you want to put that song in my head?”

“I’m sorry, Niall. I’m really sorry. I just….couldn’t think of anything and then I saw you…and….I just…that song just came to me.”

“You mean to tell me that out of all of your five albums worth of songs and all of the hundreds of other songs you know, you just happened to think of that song. Really, Harry?” I stepped back and began to rub my eyes to try to relieve the stress, the frustration, the hurt, the pain and every other emotion that was currently escaping me.

Not a moment later I feel a force against my body. Harry’s chest pressed to mine. His soft whimpers hitting the crook of my neck. The apologies coming out in muffled breaths. I stand frozen. My hands are against his chest, gripping onto his shirt, but I’m too drained to put any force into them to push him away. One of his hands has a hold of the back of my head and the other is wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly.

“I’m sorry.” He says one last time and then I feel the familiar sensation of lips ghosting over the skin on my neck. I remain still. The feeling comes again and again, the pressure of the lips increasing with each touch.

“I love you more than anything Niall. I love you so much. I can’t help it. I need you back, baby. I need you so badly. I love you.” The kisses are become more fierce and hungry. His lips have begun to part with each kiss and they are now traveling up towards my jaw. ‘I love you’ and ‘I need you’ and ‘I miss you’ all falling from his mouth between every kiss.

My heart begins to pound faster and my breath is coming out heavy and quick. I am trying to control all of these emotions but I am having difficulty. I am fighting an internal battle. His lips feel amazing and his breath is send chills up and down my body. I want to fight this and I try to but my only response seems to be allowing myself to tilt my neck more, giving him better access and gripping onto his shirt tighter and pulling him closer to me.

He is now mere moments away from the corner of my mouth and I finally come to and snap out of my trance. The winning side of this internal fight was the one who is happily with Ryan and knows it is wrongs to allow Harry to continue. My hands are now able to muster the strength to push him away. He stops immediately but looks pleadingly into my eyes. It is clear what needs to be done.

“We can’t see each other anymore Harry.” He begins to cry again. He knows it would come to this and that is why he isn’t forming an argument in his mind. “We’ve tried to be friends. I’ve tried to be friends with you and you can’t handle it. You won’t let me go Harry. So I’ve got to let this notion of being your friend go. I’m sorry Harry.” I have tears falling from my eyes, while he is full on crying. 

“No, Niall. Please. I’m begging you. Please, baby. I love you. I just can’t live without you. Please, baby…please.” He is now slouching against the wall; sliding down it until he is on the floor. His pleas are echoing throughout the stairwell. My heart is breaking again. I don’t want to see him like this but I know that it is the right thing to do. I know that a friendship won’t work. It can’t. I kneel down next to him and place a kiss on the top of his head.

“I’m sorry, Harry. But it has to be this way. We can’t see each other anymore. It’s too painful for you and I hate seeing you in this much pain. I can’t bear to see you like this. I’m so sorry.” I kiss his head once more and run my hand through his hair. He looks up into my eyes and lets out a pained breath. I press my lips to his cheek and intertwine one of my hands with his. His other hand is holding onto the side of my face and my free hand is resting on top of his.

I lean my forehead against his and we stare into each other’s glistening eyes. We hold the gaze for a few minutes until it is broken by my standing up. His eyes are following my every move.

“Bye, Harry” Our fingers slide apart, but holding contact until they are finger tips to finger tips until eventually the contact is fully broken. I walk backwards to the door and open it and with one last sigh, I exit the stairwell and begin taking slow steps back to the party.

I stop at a restroom to check my appearance and slap cold water on my tear stained face. Once I am satisfied and no longer looking like I just cried straight for ten minutes, I enter the now considerably less crowded party room.

I look around and survey the remaining individuals and see that Ryan is still nowhere in sight but I am sure he will return in a matter of minutes. My eyes fall on Louis and he, in a quickened pace, makes his way over to me. Once he reaches me he stands still and silent, waiting to hear what I have to say.

“He needs you right now. He needs his best friend, Louis.” A tear escapes and I quickly brush it away.

“Where is he, Ni?”

“Go through the doors over in the right corner and then follow the hallway to the stairwell. He’s in there……in the stairwell.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, ok?” He says softly and places a kiss on my temple while holding onto my shoulders.

“Yeah. Just stay with him tonight, ok. Please.”

“Of course, Ni. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He walks away briskly and it is at that moment that Ryan walks back into the room and immediate spots me. I quickly smile and am in his arms moments later.

“Jeeze! You would think that she would have parked closer. I felt like we were walking to Siberia.” He chuckles. “I almost had to stop for food and water.” I began to laugh. My fake smile now replaced with a real one. I kissed his lips and held him close.

“Ready to go?” I asked.

“Sure. If you are.”

“Yeah. I’m tired. Let’s say goodbye to Zayn and Liam.”

“Where are Lou and Harry? I’d like to say goodbye to them as well.” He looks around the room for them.

“They went off somewhere…you know..doing the best friend thing.” I shrug with a smile and he nods in acceptance. He takes my hand in his and we walk over to Liam and Zayn and say goodnight. Liam gives me a look and I whisper that I will talk to him about it later.

As soon as I am home and in my bed, exhaustion has taken over my body and mind and I fall asleep, in Ryan’s arms, within minutes.

I am currently lying awake, staring at my ceiling. I woke about an hour ago but have yet to move. Everything that happened last night is running on a constant loop in my head. Everything was ok, at first. I thought we were going to make it through the night without incident but Harry had to sing that God damned song. I’m still feeling sadness, sympathy, hurt, anger and frustration. But now confusion has set in.

I move my eyes on Ryan. Soft, barely audible snores escaping him. His chest is rising and falling with each breath, while his hand is resting gently on my hip. I know that I need to tell him what went on. I need to tell him about the song that Harry sang and I need to tell him what took place in the stairwell.

I’m feeling plagued by the thoughts that maybe Harry and I never really ended things properly. I just completely cut him out without a second chance. But at the time I was too hurt to want to stay with him and make it work and now I am too happy with Ryan to want to go back and try again with Harry. I guess that is where the confusion sets in.

“Penny for your thoughts?” I open my eyes to find Ryan’s trained on me. I softly smile and place a kiss on his lips.

“Good morning, handsome.” I then run one of my hands through his hair. “Did you have a good time last night?” We kiss once more before he stretches his recently awaken body with a slight groan.

“Yeah” he says with a nod. “You?”

“Yeah…it was fun.” I knew that wouldn’t really be convincing and his fingers holding my chin to tilt my face down to his confirmed that he didn’t believe me.

“What’s wrong, babe? Was last night too much?” I sigh at his questions. I know that this is the moment where I am supposed to tell my boyfriend everything that went on but I am so hesitant. I don’t want to hurt Ryan by telling him that Harry kissed along my neck and it took a few moments for me to stop him but at the same time, lying will hurt more. I half smile and begin with the account of what went on.

“You know that song that Harry sang last night?”

“Yeah. He was brilliant. A great performance, that.” He begins to sit up in the bed. He leans against the head board and I follow suit. We are now both properly sat up and looking at one another.

“Yeah” I slightly nod. “It’s just that that song he sang….it was….” I twiddle my fingers while looking at my lap. “….it was mine and Harry’s song.” I drop my head even further.

“Oh” He replies and sits up a bit straighter but says nothing else.

“Yeah. I sang that song to Harry once, after a couple months of dating and from then on out it had special meaning. Do you remember that I sang that song during the X-Factor? Bloom by The Paper Kites.” I watch his face for recognition and after a few moments he nods.

“I sang that song on the show because I sang that song for him in private and it was like an ‘I love you’ to him and a secret moment that we shared on live television. So needless to say, as soon as he started to sing that song, I was hurt and angry and sad and….” I couldn’t finish. Not that I was getting overly emotional and was unable to continue but because there was nothing else I could say with regard to the matter.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was just waiting for any kind of response. He took my hands in his and kissed my forehead.

“I’m sorry, babe. That must have been very difficult for you. I guess I could sense there was something up. So was Gemma a distraction last night to get me out of there so the two of you could talk? You know Gemma and I aren’t really all that close. She could have had Lou take her out to her car. I was thinking that is what was going on so I just went along with it and wanted to be able to give you the time to work out what you needed.”

“It wasn’t requested by me; the distraction that is. But obviously Gemma knew what Harry sang and Louis too for that matter and as soon as you and Gemma left, I just kind of went to a secluded stairwell to get away, but I knew he would follow.”

“What happened, Ni?” He sounded really sad and I didn’t want that. But I knew I would not lie. I took a few breaths and held his hands tighter.

“I got to the stairwell and just started crying and he came in seconds behind me and hugged me and continued to say that he was sorry but that he loves me and has never stopped and wants to be with me and can’t live without me.” I look at Ryan and his head tilted back and he began focusing on the ceiling. I continue.

“I told him that he shouldn’t have sang that song and that I am happy with you but he kept apologizing and saying he loves me and misses me and then he started to…..” I sigh and drop my head.

“Niall” I hear him softly say and I look up at him; his eyes glossing over.

“He started to kiss my neck and I held onto the front of his shirt but I didn’t push him away and I allowed it to continue and it did. And eventually once he was at my cheek, kissing and moving towards my lips, I finally stopped him. I pushed him away and told him that we can’t be friends and he was crying and I was crying and then I gave him a kiss on his head and I left him in the stairwell and went back to the party just before you came back. Louis went out to Harry immediately, that’s why they weren’t around last night to say goodbye.” I finished with everything that I had to tell him and I waited.

The time seemed to pass so slowly. I was looking at him and he was looking at the ceiling. I could see him trying to think about everything and what he wanted to say. I was worried but the one good thing that kept my hopes up was the fact that he still had a hold of my hands; one of his thumbs was running gentle circles over the skin on the top of my right hand. I held onto to that hope and waited some more.

“You let him kiss your neck” He softly breathed.

“Yes” I whispered, ashamed of my actions.

“Did you like it?” He timidly asked and looked at me. He then blinked and a single tear ran down his cheek. I dropped my head in response and I heard him sigh. He knew by that, I did like it.

“Do you think you want to be with him again?”

“No.” I answered quickly and without doubt. “I want to be with you.” I took his face into my hands and kissed the tear away from his cheek. “Ryan, I am so happy with you. You are such a wonderful person and boyfriend and I want nothing more than to be with you. I’m sorry I allowed Harry to kiss my neck like that and it felt familiar and comforting and yes, I lost myself in it but I knew that I didn’t want to hurt you, so I stopped before it went any further. I am so sorry, Ryan. Just tell me what I can do to make it right. I’m so sorry, baby.” I had a few tears leave my eyes as I kissed his lips. Thankfully I felt pressure from his lips so I knew he wanted my kiss.

“I think I just need to clear my head for a few hours. Just be by myself to think. I’ll just go back to my place for the afternoon. Can I do that?” he asks, more nicely to me than I probably deserve. He then intertwines our hands.

“Of course, babe. Take all the time you need. I’ll just be here.”

He nods and then gets up from the bed and begins to pull on his clothing from last night. I am watching him move about my room, readying himself to leave for who knows how long and my chest is becoming heavier by the second. 

I stand from the bed and he takes my hand in his and leads me to the front door. 

“Will you be back here tonight?” I asked in a hushed but hopeful tone.

“I’m not sure. I’ll call you, ok?” He places a kiss on my forehead and I nod. He stares at me for a few moments and then places his hand on the side of my neck; his fingers gently grazing over the sensitive skin. I lean into his touch and look up into his eyes. He leans forward and joins our lips together. They linger on each other for a while, not moving. He then separates us and places another kiss on my cheek.

“I’ll see you in a bit, baby.” He opens the door and before leaving, places another kiss on my lips.

“Bye” I whisper as he pulls away. I lean my head on the side of the door and watch him as he gets into his car and drives away. I remain in the doorway until I can no longer see his vehicle. I shut the door and lean my back against it. I allow tears to fall more frequently and eventually when I can no longer stand, I slide my back down the door and wrap my arms around my knees and cry.

The rest of the morning was spent moping around my house. I did absolutely nothing but sit on the sofa and stare at the television, which wasn’t even on. I listened to the rain hit the roof and patter against the windows. Perfect weather for how I am feeling. The gloomy day fits the gloom I’m feeling in my chest.

Lou, as he said he would, called me and rather than asking to meet me, demanded it. I, too drained to put up with any form of arguments, agreed.

When he arrived just after one, I dragged my feet the whole way to the door; opening it to Louis, who immediately huffed at my appearance. I was in dodgy old jogging pants and an old sweatshirt. My hair all a mess and my eyes red and puffy from the tears shed this morning.

“You look horrible” He said and walked into the house and immediately into my kitchen. I didn’t say anything in response and just followed him.

I sat at the table while he worked around my kitchen getting everything together to make some tea. I watched silently as he prepared everything for us and then once it was finished, he set the hot cup in front of me and I became entranced by the steam rising from the hot liquid.

“How is he?” I mumbled. Anyone who didn’t know me probably wouldn’t have been able to decipher what I said, my depressed state making my accent thinker than normal.

“How are you?” He sighs in response and I shrug and take the first slow sip of my tea. 

“I told Ryan what happened and he isn’t here anymore, so how do you think I’m doing?”

“He broke up with you?” He asked with a surprised tone to his voice.

“No. Thank God. But he said that he needed to think for a little while. I can’t blame him either. I did allow Harry to kiss me continually on the neck last night in that stairwell.” I dropped my head onto the table. I heard Louis’ chair scooting across the floor and then felt his hand begin to rub my back, soothingly. 

“I’m sorry Ni. I know this is really hard for you and I know I give you a lot of shit about getting back with Harry and I’m really sorry for that. Of course I want Harry happy but I want you happy too. I know that what you have with Ryan is special, anyone can see that. Hell, even Harry saw that last night.” It was at that time that I looked up at Louis.

“What did he say?” Knowing Harry must have mentioned something to him in regard to Ryan and my relationship. “What happened with him last night?” I ask a secondary question. Louis sighed but I could see his expression changing; resolving to tell me.

“I just held him for a while and then brought him home. Gemma joined us about a little later. He didn’t say anything for an hour or so, but we got him into bed, Gemma was on one side of him and I was on the other and we just cuddled him until finally he began speaking.” Louis took a sip of his tea and then continued.

“He said that he messed up big time and lost you for good. He saw you in Ryan’s arms and how the two of you were with one another and it hurt him something awful because he finally saw how happy Ryan makes you. At the same time he is angry because he really does just want you back and I think that is why he sang that song. Not that he was trying to be mean and start something because I’m sure if he knew what the outcome of singing that song would have been, he certainly wouldn’t have done it. I know he still wants to be with you, though. That won’t ever change, Ni. You’re his one. You’ve always been his one and you always will be.”

Once he is finished, we sit in silence for a few minutes. I am thinking about everything again. I’ve been thinking about everything. I keep thinking about it all. There is no way around it. Maybe I have been fooling myself in thinking that Harry and I could be friends. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself in thinking that I am completely over him. I know that I am absolutely happy with Ryan and want to remain with him but it’s appearing that the feelings for Harry might still be there and may likely always be there. But I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with Ryan.

Louis and I finish our visit about an hour later and I am once again left alone with nothing but my thoughts; my very loud, screaming at me, thoughts.

I made a call to Liam and told him the story of what happened. He didn’t offer up any advice. I think he knew that at this point there wasn’t much else to say. He wished me the best with Ryan and said he would be here if I needed to vent. He did say that I needed to follow my heart and I guess, yes, that’s always sound advice but not really helpful in my situation. Both Ryan and Harry are in my heart. I have love for Ryan and I used to be and admittedly maybe still in love with Harry. But I know that I could fall in love with Ryan and he is the person that I see myself with.

I had spent the rest of the afternoon watching tv and eventually made myself a small dinner and ate lonely at my table in the kitchen. I had played around on the guitar for a while and wrote down a few things on some scrap pieces of paper; likely to get tossed in the bin because to me, what I wrote was nothing special and was just the chicken scratch of a confused man. Deciding I had enough of that, I hopped into the shower with the water set to a hot as I could handle and stood in there for a while with my thoughts.

It was around eight thirty when a knock came on my door. I had just gotten out of the shower and was dressed in sweats and t-shirt; hair still very much damp, having only been towel dried about two minutes prior. Everything in me, as I was walking to the front door, was hoping that it was Ryan. I missed him. I was bothered by the fact that he could potentially break up with me. I wanted him here so that we could make it right. 

To my relief it was Ryan standing on the other side of the door when I opened it.

“Hi. Come in.” I said and held out my hand for him to take. I smiled when he accepted my hand and I led us to the living room.

“Hi” I spoke softly and we both sat down on the sofa. 

I stared at him for a few moments before beginning to lean in, wanting nothing more than to kiss him and I was filled with more hope as he matched my movements and placed his lips on mine. We wrapped our arms around one another and stayed in the comfort of each other’s arms, silently.

“So, we should probably talk.” He spoke, pulling away from our embrace but kept our hands interlocked and in his lap.

“I just want you to tell me what you are feeling and what you want.” I sighed. I could see him thinking about what he wanted to say.

“I’m trying to be understanding of everything and I want you to be happy and I don’t want anyone to be hurting but it really hurt me when you told me what happened. I know you are sorry and I accept your apology and you are forgiven, I just don’t know if I would be ok if it happened again.”

“I know and it won’t. I’ve already told him that we can’t be friends. There won’t be a situation like that anymore. Ryan, babe…” I hold onto his chin and bring it forward to place my lips on his for a moment before pulling away and returning to what I was saying. “I want to be with you. You make me happy and I just…..”

“Are you sure, Ni? What are you honestly feeling?”

“I am confused. I think obviously hearing that song brought back memories and feelings and I can’t deny that I thought about what we used to be and what we used to have but even thinking about all of that, I still want to be with you.” I lean into his chest and rest my head just below his collar bone. He wraps his arm around me and begins stroking my back.

“I want to be with you too, Ni…but again, if you at any point start having doubts about us or the feelings for Harry return, you have to tell me. I’m not gonna stand in the way of what you really want.”

“You’re what I really want.” I reply quickly and look up at him. He smiles softly and cranes his head down so that our lips can meet.

Twenty minutes later we were curled up under the covers of my bed; our bodies wrapped tightly around one another, soaking up the heat from our bodies, falling asleep happily in each other’s arms.

“I’m really nervous about meeting them. What if they don’t like me?”

“Don’t be silly, babe. Of course they are going to like you.”

“I hope so.” Ryan kisses my lips and then returns to the chicken currently on the stove.

It’s been about a week and a half since the party. A week and a half without seeing, speaking to or even mentioning Harry. I really miss him but I always have. It’s just that now, it feels like it’s more final; like there is no possible way for us to see one another until Harry is happily with someone else. The thought of that does sort of put a twinge in my stomach, but I suspect that is the way it is when you dated someone for a long period of time.

My parents will be here tomorrow and they will officially meet Ryan and I am very excited about that. We’ll spend Thursday night with them and then Ryan has to leave for Los Angeles on Friday. We are both bummed that he isn’t able to spend the weekend with me and the family but he has to meet with a few producers. 

As much as I’ll miss him it kind of works out a little too. On Saturday I’ll be going up with my parents to Cheshire to visit Harry’s parents. So I’m sure that would have been an awkward visit if Ryan was with me. 

I’ve been told by Louis and Gemma that Harry will not be there so for that I am thankful. I don’t think I would be able to handle him at this moment. Nothing has changed and I am sure it would be as gut wrenching as it was the night of his birthday party.

We are spending the afternoon and evening with Anne, Des and Gemma and then leaving on Sunday. It really will be great to see Anne and Des again. I do very much miss them and it does make me sad to know that I’m not really a part of that family anymore. I know that they don’t see it that way but I do.

Ryan and I spent a quiet evening at my house, having dinner and the watching a couple movies. Knowing that we wouldn’t be able to give each other a proper goodbye while my parents were here, just made tonight more special. I made sure that he knew that I was going to miss him when he left on Friday. I made sure that he knew what would be waiting from him when he returned in a week. I made sure that he was properly sexually satisfied and emotionally happy and he did the same for me.

“They’re here!” I said excitedly and grabbed onto Ryan’s arms and beamed when I heard the knocking on my front door.

Ryan and I had made a lunch consisting of grilled sandwiches with sides of vegetables and fruit and had some tarts made for desert. It was the food for the perfect indoor picnic; of course we would be at the dining table and not on a blanket, but it would still be a nice ‘Welcome to London’ for my parents.

Ryan and I spent the morning cleaning up my house and making sure everything was in proper order for them. Ryan also fretted about what to wear to meet my mum and dad. It was quite adorable, actually. He was a bundle of nerves and I was a bundle of happiness.

I run to the front door, swinging it open and smiling brightly at my mum who was standing with her arms open; readying herself for my embrace, while my father was behind her holding up the two suitcases that they had brought with them.

“Mum!” I exclaimed.

“My baby!” She returned and held me tight. She placed kisses all over my cheeks and held onto my face like she hadn’t seen me in a year, when in actuality it had only been just over a month. I was home for Christmas.

Ryan had stayed back in the living room to give my parents and me some time to say hello to each other and after I finished greeting my mother and then hugging and saying hello to my father, I led them in towards the living room where I could see Ryan in a nervous stance with his hands behind his back and feet pointed in towards one another. It was cute. He was cute.

“Mum, dad….this is Ryan.” I said to my parents as I stood next to Ryan and rubbed his back to calm his nerves.

“Ryan….this is Maura and Bobby, my parents.” I smiled. Ryan took a step forward and held out his hand to my father first. They greeted one another and then he stepped into my mother and gave a kiss on each cheek.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you both.” He finished and then stepped back to my side.

“It’s wonderful to finally be meeting you, dear. Niall has spoken very highly of you. He is very fond of you.” Mum stated with a smile making Ryan slightly blush.

“I’m very fond of him as well.” Ryan replied and I placed a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Ryan and I made us lunch. Are you hungry?” I asked and took one of the suitcases from my father.

“Starving!” Dad replied and rubbed his stomach.

I set my parents up in the guest bedroom and then we all sat down to have lunch. The conversation was steady the whole time. My parents were very interested in getting to know Ryan. They knew that he is very important to me and that, from what I’ve told them, our relationship is progressing wonderfully and moving right along.

They know everything that happened with Harry and me and of course were supportive of anything I wanted to do but I know they still care deeply for Harry. They just know not to mention him that often. I was very happy that they took a genuine interest in Ryan and what his family was like and what is going on with his career. I could see the natural smile on Ryan’s face and I knew he was happy and for that, I was happy.

After lunch we decided to go out and do a little shopping before we had to be at the restaurant I had made reservations for tonight.

We spent a lovely afternoon in London and by seven we were enjoying a wonderful dinner filled with amazing food, good and non-stop conversation and laughter.

Ryan, having taken us around London in his vehicle, pulled up in front of my house to drop us off. He would stay at his own place tonight due to the fact that he had to be at the airport early Friday morning. We all got out of the car and into the house, hurrying to find warmth on the chilly February evening.

“It was so nice to meet you both. I’m sorry that I am not able to spend the weekend with you.” Ryan stated as we stood in the living room. Ryan still with his jacket on whilst my parents and I removing ours.

“It was wonderful meeting you, dear. And I’m sure we’ll all have more chances to spend time together. But we wish you a safe trip.” Mum replied and gave Ryan a hug.

“Absolutely. You are welcome to come to Ireland with Niall anytime.” My father added and shook Ryan’s hand. Ryan smiled and thanked them and then took my hand.

“I’m going to walk Ryan out.” I stated to my parents. “Feel free to make some tea. You know where everything is.” They nodded and walked to wards the kitchen and Ryan and I headed towards the front door.

“I told you they would like you.” I smirked and kissed his lips; our hands held tight together.

“Well, I quite like them as well. They are wonderful, Niall.” He placed another kiss on my lips. “Have fun this weekend, yeah.”

“Of course. But I’m going to miss you, so much” I rested my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Have a safe trip and call me when you get there, ok?”

“Will do, babe.” We smiled at each other and then leaned in for a much longer, much more passionate goodbye kiss. It took my breath away. It was perfect.

“I’ll see you next Friday.” He whispered against my lips and then placed another gentle kiss on them. We held each other for a few more minutes; hearing the whistle from the kettle in the kitchen, letting us know that the water for the tea that my mum was currently making was ready.

“I’ll miss you. Call or text me every day.” I opened the door and stepped out onto the front steps with him. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep the wind from assaulting my body; but a shiver still took over me. Ryan pulled me in for another hug and rubbed my arms, warming them, successfully. 

“I’ll miss you, too. Now get inside before you get sick. I won’t be around to take care of you” He kissed my forehead and then my lips one final time. We pulled away and said goodbye and I watched as he got into his car and drove away. I hurried into the house and had my hands wrapped around a cup filled with hot tea. The heat from the mug began to warm my chilled body as I spent the rest of the evening talking with my parents.

Friday I took my parents with me to the studio so that they could see me do some recording. They had seen me in the studio before and this time was no different; proud smiles etched on their faces the entire time. 

We had a nice quite dinner at the house and then spent the rest of the evening playing card and board games. 

While I was packing for the trip to Cheshire – not that I had to bring a lot; only being gone for one night – I overheard my mum in the guest room talking to someone. After a few minutes I deduced that it was Harry’s mum Anne. 

From the conversation, that I knew better than to eves drop on, I got that they were planning on what we would all do, what time my parents and I would arrive and then I heard mum saying “so he won’t be there?”. I knew she was referring to Harry and hearing her say that just calmed my nerves a bit more. I know Louis and Gemma said that he wouldn’t be but this further confirmation was what I needed to hear.

I wanted to be able to have a nice weekend with my parents and Anne and Des without the awkward tension that would surely have been there if Harry and I were in the same room. An awkward tension that I have been becoming more and more aware of. A tension that is leading me to believe that the feelings for him are resurfacing as much as I don’t want them to. 

I sent a goodnight text to Ryan, whom was safely in LA, and closed my eyes whishing sleep would take me quick so that I wouldn’t be lying awake for too long thinking about things or people that I didn’t want to.

The three hour ride up to Holmes Chapel was a quick one, for the most part. I let my father drive my vehicle while I sat in the back and rested. My mum and he were singing along with the radio most of the way. I kept myself entertained by messing around on my phone and letting out the occasional laugh at my parents when they would try their hardest to hit high notes on certain songs.

When we pulled into the driveway of the Styles’ home, Anne and Des were on the front porch waiting. Anne had a bright smile and Des matched his wife’s sentiment.

My mum hopped out of the car and she and Anne embraced like long lost sisters reunited for the first time. It was nice to see, however. They formed such a tight bond while Harry and I were dating and it continued even after we broke up.

“My Niall!” Anne yelled at me after she and my mum separated and quickly made her way to me and pulled me into a very snug embrace. I held onto her tightly and smiled.

“It’s nice to see you again, Anne.” I replied and took notice that my father and Mr. Styles were saying hello. Once Anne released me she kept a hold on my shoulders and stared at my face.

“Well, let me look at you.” She smirked and raked her eyes up and down my body and face like a mother would. It made me laugh.

“It’s so good to see you sweetheart. We’ve missed you so much.” She placed a kiss on my cheek and moved out of the way so that Des could greet me.

After everyone was finished saying hello we made our way inside where Anne had light snacks and beverages ready for us. It was just about three in the afternoon when we arrived and we would be going out to dinner around six so we didn’t want to spoil out appetites, but we were slightly hungry.

We talked most of the afternoon and just caught up with one another. It was nice and made me very happy, but at the same time being in this house came with a depressing weight. Harry and I spent many nights in his room upstairs. His room, in which I would be staying tonight while my parents took the guest room on the main floor. 

There was another guest room down the hall from Harry’s bedroom and I was hoping to sleep in there but when Anne was showing us to the rooms that we would be staying in she advised us that that room was now being used for storage and clearing off the bed would have been a task that she just didn’t feel up to doing. We all laughed when she admitted that but I still dreaded spending the night in Harry’s room; sleeping in the bed that Harry and I had some steamy nights on.

There was Gemma’s room and I would have taken that except for the fact that Gemma would be arriving in a little bit and I am sure she would want her old room for herself.

We arrived at the restaurant at six and were greeted with Gemma already at the table. We all said hello and my parents hugged and gushed over how beautiful she is, like they did every time they saw her. 

I was quite tired after we returned from the restaurant and instead of staying up with to play card games with everyone else, I opted to just shower and go to bed. I said goodnight to each of them and went upstairs to Harry’s room. I took longer than I should to open the door but I just couldn’t get my hand to move. It was frozen on the doorknob. 

After a few moments and some relaxing deep breaths I opened the door. I slowly walked in and was filled with memories and pictures of Harry and my time together. This room was like a shrine to ‘Niall and Harry.’ It had changed slightly since the last time I was here. More pictures of the two of us were added, by Harry no doubt. In addition to the new pictures, the bedding and curtains had also been changed. That fact slightly calmed me because sleeping the bed with new covers and sheets would make me feel like I was sleeping in a new bed, and not the bed that Harry and I used to share.

I walked into the en suite bathroom room and turned on the familiar shower; turning the shower head just a hair to the left that way the water would flow out with more pressure – a trick Harry taught me one morning while we showered together. 

I very much regretted not bringing my own body wash and shampoo because now I would have to use the ones currently in here; Harry’s. I would have Harry’s smell lingering on me all night. I would have that intoxicating, sexy, almost irresistible smelling scent all over me while I tried to fall asleep without thinking about Harry; an almost impossible feat now.

After my shower I dressed for bed and slid under the covers. If smelling the body wash wasn’t enough, these sheets, pillows and covers smelled like Harry as well. I couldn’t escape. I looked at the clock on my phone, nine pm. I counted the time difference between here and LA and concluded that it was about one in the afternoon where Ryan was and I decided to call to speak to him. 

Hearing his voice would certainly make me feel better and by the end of the conversation, I fell asleep with ease and happiness. He calmed my thoughts and comforted me just by saying how much he missed me. The half hour conversation was enough to help me fall asleep with no other thoughts than what an amazing boyfriend I have. 

Morning came too soon for my liking but I really enjoyed the smell of breakfast making its way up the stairs and into my room. I inhaled deeply, smiled and stretched and hopped out of bed. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and ruffled the bed head out of my hair and exited the room.

Just as I got to the top of the stairs I heard the muted voices of my mum and Anne and another voice that sounded like Gemma’s. I froze when I heard Anne saying Harry’s name and I stilled, listening in secret to the conversation that they apparently didn’t want anyone to hear.

“……he said he wouldn’t be here”

“I know but he just showed up about an hour ago.”

“Mum, this isn’t a good thing. As much as I still want Harry and Niall together, the last time they saw each other, it was very painful. You know what happened.”

“I know too. Niall told me that Harry sang their song. This is such a hard situation. Bobby and I just met Ryan on Thursday and he is such a sweet guy and so caring towards Niall. I just want my son happy.”

“I know Maura. We all do. We just want both Harry and Niall to be happy.”

“Well, Harry is at the breakfast table so Niall is gonna see him here soon. I just hope that it doesn’t put a damper on our day.”

“I’m sure it will be ok, Gemma. I just hope Niall is ok with us staying one more night…..” after hearing my mum say that, I sighed. So now I have to spend the entire day with Harry and he is obviously going to be staying the night too, presumably. I take a deep breath and sneak back to the room, still hearing the conversation. I opened the bedroom door quietly and then closed it loud enough so that the three of them would know that I was up and heading their way. 

When I got to the top of the stairs, I was greeted by my mother. She had a slightly sad smile on her face and stopped me from descending the stairs.

“He’s here.” She whispered and put her arms around me. I sighed and tucked my head into the crook of her neck.

“I’m sorry baby.”

“It’s ok, mum. It’s his parents’ home. He has every right to be here.”

“I know, but I just want you to be ok.” She stated and ran her hand down over my head and lightly rubbed my cheek.

“I’ll be fine. Promise.” I half smiled and kissed her cheek. “So we’re staying another night.” I smirked and raised an eye brow.

“You were eves dropping, you little stinker.” She giggled and I shrugged my shoulders with a smirk on my face and wrapped an arm around her and we walked down the stairs together.

“It smells amazing, Anne” I beamed and kissed her good morning. 

“Thanks, love. Be a dear and place this on the table, please.”

“Of course” I smiled through my nervousness as I took the bowl of freshly cut fruit from her hands and turned towards the table; the table at which Harry was currently sitting. 

Knowing this house like my own, I walked into the kitchen to greet everyone without looking at Harry at the table. I knew he was there but I knew that I could easily avoid him, until now.

There he sat, arms resting on the table, hands clasped together with his head down. Even without seeing his face yet, I knew he felt guilty that he was here. I could sense that he knew he should have stayed away knowing that I would be here. I had no right to make him stay away from his own parents’ home and I would never even think to demand such a thing but I could sense that he was regretting his decision to show up unannounced.

I set the bowl down in the center of the table and only when the porcelain of the bowl hit the wood on the table did Harry look up; directly into my eyes. My suspicions of him feeling regret were confirmed with the fact that his eyes were not as bright as they usually were. They also had a watery gloss over them, moments from tears. I didn’t want him hurt. I wanted him to feel comfortable in his own family home even if that meant that I would be uncomfortable.

“It’s ok” I softly said so that only he and I could hear. I placed my hand on his to reassure him and then took it away not a moment later knowing that was probably not the smartest idea. I shouldn’t do anything that could potentially lead him on. I walked away from the table and back towards my mother who was now helping Anne.

We all sat at the dining table, everyone but Harry and me deeply in conversation. To me it all seemed slightly forced, like our parents and Gemma were trying to diffuse the tension radiating from Harry and me but it wasn’t working. Their efforts failing because Harry and I were anything but calm.

We would occasionally glance at one another but quickly look away when our eyes would meet. I knew the rest of the day and into tomorrow when we finally leave would be filed with me keeping my distance and staying away from him when all possible. The task seemed tiresome.

“I’m going to clean up. Thank you for breakfast. It was great.” I stated towards Anne and nodded at my parents and stood up from the table with my plates in my hand.

“Ok, dear.” Mum replied and smiled. I placed my dishes in the sink and walked towards the stairs. I could feel Harry’s eyes on me the entire way. 

The shower was calming, soothing and kept me from the outside world if only for twenty minutes. But in those twenty minutes I felt peace. I felt calm. I felt good about what I would be facing for the next twenty four hours.

Reluctantly I turned the shower off and pulled back the curtain. I stepped out onto the chilled bathroom floor and quickly wrapped the towel around my waist. The warmth in the shower was making the air in the bathroom feel frigid and I wanted nothing more than to hurry out into the room and put on my clothing. I pulled the bathroom door open and froze on the spot.

“Wh…what are you…..why are you in here?” I stuttered as I took in the sight of Harry and quickly tried to cover my chest. I grabbed the shirt that was on top of my bag and held it over my top while I clung tightly to the towel around my waist.

“I’m sorry. I just…..just needed some clothes. I didn’t hear the shower stop.” He reached into his drawers, obviously still filled with some of his clothing for whenever he visited his parents, and pulled a shirt out all the while never taking his eyes off me; off my nearly naked frame.

Our breathing was labored, like we both just ran a marathon. This was the first time in a very long time that we have been this close while all but unclothed. It was at that thought that I really noticed him. I noticed his bare chest and the gym shorts that rested low on his hips. I noticed the muscles chiseled into his abdomen. I notice the way his biceps flexed due to the tension and nervousness in the room.

We stood there, in silence, not removing our eyes from one another. He appeared to be getting closer. The gap between us was closing. I watched as he slowly took steps towards me. With each step that he took forward, I took one back. This went on until I was against the wall and could no longer inch away from him.

I closed my eyes and dropped the shirt I was holding. I was aware of his every move and even though all I saw was the black from inside my closed lids, I could feel him, feel his presence all around me. My breathing became faster. And soon I felt the familiar current of his fingers touching my arm; that current running up my body.

I was soon able to feel his breath and the warmth of his body was a welcome feeling to sooth the chills that were running up my spine, also caused by him and our closeness. 

“Niall” He whispered as his finger tips ran up my arms, across my shoulders and up my neck. They finally stopped when his hands were rested on either side of my face.

I placed my hands on his hips and dropped my head to rest my forehead against his chest. I felt him slightly push his waist into me. I could feel him through the fabric of his shorts and as much as I was trying to keep myself calm, the electricity and fire between us began to arouse me and with one more slight tilt of his hips our ever growing members were pressed tightly together.

His hands left my face and traveled down over my back while I stayed with my hands on his waist and my head on his chest, still trying to maintain some distance. And when a slight moan left my lips I froze. I stopped breathing. Time stood still. I can’t be doing this. I can’t allow him to have this effect on me. I have to push him away. I have to stop this.

“Stop, Harry. Please.” I spoke at a level that was barely audible. “Please” I begged softly. I felt his head dip down and rest into the crook of my neck.

“It’s always going to be here Niall. This….this thing between us. Our attraction to one another will never go away. Niall, we…you and me…that’s all I want. This feeling won’t go away and I know you know that. Let us be good together again. Let us have this.” His lips ghosted along my collar bone and rested at the top of my shoulder.

“Please stop, Harry.” I spoke calmly, finally regaining my voice. He lightly sighed and lifted his head. His hands traveled up my back and over down my chest until they stopped at the top of the towel. The tips of his fingers dipped in between the top of the cloth and my skin. I began to push him away. He removed his body from mine and started to back away. I finally lifted my head and my eyes met his. He grabbed the clothing that he had already taken out for himself and when he finally reached the door, he paused.

“I love you, Niall. I’m never going to stop fighting for you, fighting for us.” And he stepped out of his room and closed the door. I don’t know how I did it, but I found my way to the bed. I lie down and curl into the fetal position and take a few deep breaths, calming myself down; allowing the heat from our encounter to leave my body.

After about fifteen minutes of gathering myself back together again, I finally got off the bed and got dressed. I wanted to get out of this house for a little while and clear my head. I wanted to talk to Ryan. I wanted to be away from Harry. I wanted to walk and keep walking until my problems seemed a distant memory.

“Hey Gem!” I kissed the side of her head; interrupting her from reading some book. She looked up and smiled.

“Hi! Where you off to?” She asked as she took in my outfit; completely ready for the winter weather.

“I just need to go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Have you seen my parents?”

“They went to town with my parents. They wanted to do some shopping for dinner. It’s gonna be some big Sunday dinner feast.”

“Yum! I’m looking forward to it. I have my cell phone with me, if you need anything.” I smiled and then started to back away. She grabbed my wrist.

“Are you ok?” She asked honestly.

“I’ll be fine. I just need to…..” and I motioned to the front door. She nodded in understanding.

I put the hood of my coat up over my head and stepped outside. I tucked my hands in my pockets and started my walk. I felt eyes on me and I turned my head back towards the house. In the furthest window on the second floor of the house stood Harry; watching as I walked away.

There weren’t many people out but I made sure that my head was down to ensure that I wouldn’t be recognized. I can’t very well have time to myself if I am frequently stopped to ask for pictures of autographs. 

I walked a few blocks with a destination in mind; a small park about a mile from Harry’s parents. I found it a couple years ago when Harry and I were visiting his family and him and I got into a little argument and I wanted to be alone.

It’s really not much of a park. Just a very small patch of land with two benches about fifty feet apart from one another over looking a small bit of water, too small to even be called a pond. When I first found this spot it was summer and was shielded with trees and tall grass; now the trees are bare and the grass is now covered with snow. The water has frozen over and the benches are freezing to the touch but I take a seat anyway.

I breathe in the cold air and feel the chill spread throughout my body and welcome the slight bite it gives my lungs. I exhale and see my breath leave my body. I sit in silence and eventually pull out my phone. It’s currently just after noon so that means it’s just after four am in LA and I know it is likely too early to call Ryan but I really need to hear his voice. I dial his number and wait.

“Baby?”

“I’m so sorry I’m calling this early but I really need to talk to you” I can hear him stretching and trying to wake up. I wait.

“No….no…it’s ok. What’s wrong?”

“I just really needed to hear your voice. I miss you.” I drop my head and take a deep breath.

“I miss you, too, babe. But tell me what’s bothering you.” I stay silent for a moment. “Niall?”

“Harry showed up.”

“I’m sorry” He sighed.

“I know and there isn’t anything I can do about it. It is his parents’ house, after all. He has every right to be here. And we aren’t leaving until tomorrow afternoon so that means I have to spend the day trying to avoid him. Why did he have to come?”

“Just try your best to be polite but keep a reasonable distance, yeah.”

“I know. It’s just difficult. But anyway, I just wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry I woke you up so early.”

“Hey, it’s ok. I don’t mind. Anytime I get to hear your voice makes me happy no matter what time it is.”

“That was very sweet and cheesy, babe!” I chuckled and he laughed with me. “I miss you and I’ll talk to you later. Go back to sleep.”

“Ok. I miss you, too. Bye, baby”

“Bye” 

I stayed at the park for about another half hour before deciding to walk back to the house. I was pleased to see that by the time I returned, everyone was there. I felt better knowing that there were more people around instead of just Harry and myself.

I had been very successful keeping my distance from Harry for most of the afternoon. As soon as he entered a room, I would casually walk to a different part of the house. It was troublesome and I could see the hurt written on his face but he knew better than to come up here. He knows that I told him that we couldn’t be friends.

It was just about five thirty and I was told dinner would be ready around six. I was in the family room watching some random program on television. The parents were in the kitchen preparing the meal and Gemma went to the store to pick up something that Anne forgot to get. I hadn’t seen Harry in almost two hours. I think he went up to his room to take a nap.

That was one thing that I was thinking about for tonight. What would the sleeping arrangements be for this evening? I would gladly take the couch so Harry could have his room. I obviously wouldn’t want to sleep in the same location as him and I wouldn’t make him sleep on the couch in his parents’ home. Maybe I could clear off the bed in the other guest room that Anne didn’t get to. I’ll guess I’ll talk to her after dinner.

I was so deep in thought about sleeping arrangements that I didn’t take notice that someone sat next to me. I didn’t notice until I felt the touch of a hand on my knee. 

“Jesus” I exclaimed and jumped a bit in fright. “You startled me. What are you doing?”

“Sorry. I just wanted to say hello.” He smiled genuinely at me and slid a little closer. My response was to slide in the opposite direction; putting more space in between us.

“I don’t have a disease, Niall.” He huffed at my actions.

“No, but I have a boyfriend so a little space would be nice.” He smirked and scooted closer. At this point I was already at the arm of the couch and couldn’t move any further away.

“You didn’t mind the closeness this morning. It was quite intense wasn’t it?” He winked and placed his hand on my thigh. I immediately stood up and left.

I made my way up the stairs quickly and into the guest bedroom that I decided to clean out so that I could sleep in it and give Harry his room. I shut the door and locked it.

I surveyed the room. It wasn’t as bad as Anne led on. Yes the bed was covered and there were boxes scattered throughout the room but it wouldn’t be too hard to clear out a path and clean off the bed; so I began. 

No sooner than the first box getting picked up by me did the bedroom door open and Harry appeared.

“The lock on this door is broken.” He shrugged and shut the door behind him and stepped closer to me. I had a box in my hands and I didn’t plan on putting it down. It would serve as a buffer between Harry and myself.

“Harry you have to stop this. You aren’t making the situation any better. I am getting kinda angry at you. You have to stop and respect the fact that I am with Ryan and stop making passes at me. I thought I made it pretty clear the night of your party that a friendship won’t work out.” He kept moving closer.

“That’s fine because I don’t want to be your friend. I want more. Put the box down Niall, stop being like this.” My back was against the wall but I kept tight to the box.

“No. All I could give you was friendship but you made a mess of that. So at this point it’s best that we don’t have anything.”

“You don’t mean that. Now stop being childish and put the box down so we can talk properly.” He placed his hands on the box in an attempt to take it from me.

“No Harry. Just give me some space please.” As hard as I am trying to remain firm in my stance, this whole situation is turning quite comical and the smirk on Harry’s face isn’t helping out any. 

“Ok. You asked for it.” He quickly stepped to my side and began to tickle me.

I struggled trying to move my body away from him but I couldn’t do that successfully while still holding the box. I had no other choice to drop it but he continued his attack. I was breathing hard through my laughter and dropped to the floor and curled into the fetal position to shield my body the best that I could from his hands.

“Stoooop” I laughed out. 

“No” he chuckled and continued.

“I can’t breathe….Harry…stop”

“Alright” He caved and I rolled onto my back to catch my breath and slow down the laughter. After a few moments I took notice that we were laying side by side on our backs; he was looking at me and I at him. I couldn’t help but smile.

“I miss that.” He softly says.

“Miss what?”

“Your laughter and that smile.” I half smiled in response and closed my eyes. I then felt his hand grace across my cheek and I opened my eyes slowly to meet his gaze. He rolled onto his side and I did the same. I propped myself up by my elbow and rested my head in my right hand. He did the same.

“We use to have fun like this all the time, Ni. We could have it again if you gave me a chance.” He placed his free hand on top of my left hand that was lying in between us. His thumb traced circular patterns on the top of my skin. I looked down; not ready to say anything. I watched as his fingers began to travel from my hand and up my arm, slowly.

Once his hand reached my shoulder, he moved slightly closer to me. His hand then began to move down over my side, down the dip of my waist and came to rest on my hip; he once again moved his body closer. He pulled slightly on my hip and our bodies pressed together. My head was still down and my eyes still closed. The rapid, intense, breathing had returned and the atmosphere in the room changed dramatically.

I could feel him shifting and then I felt his head press to my shoulder. I then felt his lips press to the fabric of my shirt on my shoulder.

“No, Harry” I softly breathed out. “I won’t cheat on Ryan.” His hand slide off my hip and wrapped over me, stopping at the very base of my spine, holding me tighter to him. He started to roll towards me causing me to roll onto my back. I finally opened my eyes and looked up at him. He hooked his leg over mine and moved his hands so they were propping him up, hovering over me. 

“Harry….please…don’t.” He leaned down slowly and placed his forehead on mine and gazed into my eyes.

“I love you, Niall. So much. Please be with me.” He gently pressed his hips down on mine and slightly rolled up, causing his growing erection to rub against mine. This situation was so intense. The attraction between us can’t be denied and simple touches from him set my body on fire.

“I can’t, Harry.” He rolled his hips again and my natural instinct was to place my hands on his hips to hold him steady. All my resolve is melting and I can feel myself caving in. I need to stop this before I do something more than I should. I am already feeling horrible about what has happened so far. This should not continue.

“You need to stop, Harry. Now. Please.” He sighed but slowly lifted himself up off of me. He sat back on his feet and then stood up. He held his hands out for me to grab. I did so, and he helped me to my feet.

“Will you help me clean off the bed? I’ll sleep in here tonight so that you can have your room.”

“Sure. But I’ll stay in here. You keep my room.” He half smiled and not wanting to say anymore, I nodded and picked up the next box to move it out of the way.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. Dinner was lovely although slightly awkward between Harry and me but we both covered it up well. We sat around the family room and talked until it was time for bed.

I made a call to Ryan to say goodnight; well to tell him to have a good day and he said goodnight to me. After our call ended, I changed for bed and slid under the covers and closed my eyes. I couldn’t have been asleep for more than an hour when I woke up sweating. The temperature in the room felt like it was eighty degrees. 

I got up out of bed and grabbed a drink of water from the bathroom and then opened the window just an inch to let some cool winter air into the room. I then stripped down to my boxers and climbed back into bed; only covering myself with the sheet and fell back asleep.

I let my eyes flutter open to take in the morning light streaming through the partly opened curtains. They were currently blowing side to side slightly due to the gentle morning breeze coming into the room. My body felt cold, but good. I pull the blanket over my body and snuggle up into it. I felt his arm wrap tighter around me, snuggling up to my back. I smiled and leaned my body back into his and held his arm tighter around my waist.

I moaned in comfort and intertwined my hands into his.

“I love you” he whispered into my ear and placed a kiss into the crook of my neck. I froze. That voice did not belong to Ryan. Those lips did not belong to Ryan. I opened eyes wide and looked down. Those hands I was holding did not belong to Ryan. This room is not mine, nor is it Ryan’s. I rolled over quickly only to be met with Harry’s sleepy eyes on mine.

“Harry! What the hell!” I yelled and jumped out of bed. “What the hell are you doing in here?!” I grabbed the blanket to wrap around my body. He sat up quickly and tried to speak but I cut him off.

“Out. Now.” I demanded and pointed to the door. He got out of bed and only then I could see that he had nothing on but his boxers, just like me. He exited the room without another word.

It was just about ten in the morning and we were saying goodbye. I promised to visit Anne and Des more and we made plans to have dinner when they are in London next. Harry and I didn’t say one word to each other all morning. After waking up with him in the bed next to me, I couldn’t even look at him, really. I know he was feeling bad but that was a step too far, I think. I was also feeling bad that I really enjoyed the feeling of being held in his arms but then again I thought it was Ryan before I really came to.

As soon as we got back to London, I dropped my parents off at Heathrow so they could catch their flight back to Ireland. It was a great visit with them and I really enjoyed it and will miss them very much.

I called Ryan as soon as I got home and after our conversation I got into bed, emotionally drained without any desire to do anything but sleep until tomorrow. And that is exactly what I did.

“So we got a song yesterday that your label wants you to record.” Travis stated as I took a seat next to him in front of the mixer.

I decided that with Ryan gone and everything that happened over the weekend, I wanted to immerse myself fully into my music. I really wanted a distraction and recording would provide that.

“It’s fully written? By who?” I asked and he pulled the demo out, along with the sheet music and lyrics for it. He handed it to me and pressed play so that we could listen to it.

“Allen said one of the writers that the label has on payroll wrote it. Let’s give it a listen. We can make changes to it if we need and tailor it to your liking.” 

“Allen isn’t my favorite person. But fine. Let’s hear it.” I grumbled.

“He’s no one’s favorite person.” I nodded in agreement and then perked my ears up as the song began.

“It’s really good. A good ballad. What do you think?” Travis asks as the song finishes. The song, although really good, kind of hit a nerve in me. I’m feeling emotions that I’d rather not be feeling.

“Yea. It’s good. I like it.” I look over the lyrics and begin to break them down. “Do you think it could use something else?”

“What do you mean?” Travis asks and he looks over my shoulder at the lyric page.

“Not sure….I guess maybe it’s missing a line or two before the last chorus.” I hand Travis the page and he reads through it and then we take a listen to the demo once more.

“Yeah. I can see what you mean. Like a short bridge or something.”

“Yeah.” I nod.

“Alright, well…jot some stuff down and see what you can come up with.” Travis handed me a notebook and then told me he had to step out to make a call. I played the song again to hear the melody and once it got to the part that needed something, I played it over and over to get a feel for the section of the song.

Get you out of my head. I’m lost without you. Waking up. 

I continue writing down different versions of the first few words I wrote trying to make them cohesively fit with the song. After about five minutes, I think I finally have it. I play the song once more and once it gets to the part, I sing what I have written and then the final chorus plays and the songs ends. It was at that time that Travis came back in.

“Got anything yet?”

“Yea. Have a listen” I play the track and again, once it gets to the part I wrote, I sing.

“Though I try to get you out of my head, the truth is I got lost without you. And since then I’ve been waking up to…” then the final chorus comes in and I look to Travis and he has a smile on his face.

“Brilliant! Let’s record it.” He smiles and I head into the booth.

“……I’m half a heart without you.” I finished the last line of the song when I notice Allen walking into the room. He nods his greeting and I take the head phones off and walk out of the booth.

“Was that the song I sent over?” He asks.

“Yes. We just finished recording it. Niall wrote a bridge for it and it turned out really well. Have a listen.” Travis stated and then played the finished track for Allen.

“Really good. That will definitely go on the album.” Allen stated frankly.

“Thanks.” I replied. “Who wrote it? We were never told?” I certainly want to thank the person and give them proper credit for it. I know my name will also be listed as writing it because I added the bridge but the main writer should get credit as well.

“Harry” Allen replied like it was no big deal.

“Harry. As in Harry Styles.” I said slightly dumfounded. The lyrics completely make sense to me now; or I just understand the meaning behind the lyrics.

“Yes, Harry Styles. Is that a problem?”

“Nope. It’s a great song.” I was and wasn’t lying. It really was a great song but it’s obviously difficult for me now knowing where those lyrics came from.

“Great. I told him that once the song was recorded I would bring him in here and you could sing it for him. So we’ll schedule something for this week. That way he can see if anything needs to be tweaked.” 

“Just send him the track. We don’t need to disrupt his schedule just to come in here and listen to me sing the song for him.” Cause that is really not a situation I want to be in.

“No. It’s fine. He’ll come in. I understand your hesitancy but you’ve both moved on and got past all that drama and you’ll be able to work together just fine.” Little did Allen know that the drama isn’t finished and Harry has yet to move on.

“Ok.” I agree not really wanting to get into a deeper discussion with him.

“Good. I’ll call you with the time he’ll be here. It will probably be on Thursday. Good work.” He nods and then leaves. I look at Travis, huff and then drop my head on the desk in front of me; making a loud thud. I can hear Travis chuckle and I lift my head to see him smirking.

The next couple of days were lazy ones. I didn’t do much but eat, sleep, talk to Ryan and lounge around watching television. 

I woke up Thursday morning with heavy thoughts on my mind. I was going to see Harry today. The last time I saw him was when I woke up with him in bed with me. My feelings on that situation were from one end of the spectrum to the other. I was angry at him for crossing the line and at the same time I felt comfortable in his arms. Granted, I really did think it was Ryan until I woke up a bit more, but still it felt nice.

I find myself thinking more and more about him. I find myself looking through old photos of the two of us. I find myself opening the drawer of my bedside table and pulling out the necklace that he gave me and just holding it and remembering that night. I think about him often and even more when I don’t have Ryan around. Thankfully Ryan will be home tomorrow and I’ll be able to hold and kiss him. I miss that; I miss him.

I get to the studio around ten and Travis is already there. I greet him and get set up. Harry is walking through the door with Louis in tow about a half hour later.

I greet Louis with a hug and I only say hello to Harry. Travis says hello to both of them and they engage in some random small talk. I stay out of it for the most part and you can feel slight tension in the room.

“So what did you think of the song? Allen said you added to it.” Harry stated pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yea. It’s good. I really like it.” I stated truthfully but there wasn’t must excitement in my voice. “And I thought it needed like a small bridge…so….”

“Cool. I’m looking forward to hearing it.” He smiles.

“Ok.” I stand up and walk into the booth. I don’t know why I have to sing it for him instead of just playing the track. I think Allen likes to torture me. I motion to Travis that I’m ready and he starts the song.

“So your friends been tellin’ me…….” I zone out and keep my eyes closed for the most part. I would occasionally look at Louis and Travis but I avoided eye contact with Harry. That was until I got to the part I wrote. For some reason my eyes drifted to his.

“Though I try to get you out of my head, the truth is I got lost without you. And since then I’ve been waking up to....” I close my eyes again not wanting to look at him and his now tearful eyes.

“…..I’m half a heart without you.” I finish and look up to see Louis with a sad smile on his face while he is looking at Harry. I can tell Harry is feeling every lyric that was sung and I’m sure that Travis is picking up on the depressing feeling of the atmosphere. I exit the booth and take a seat next to Travis.

“So what did you think of what Niall added?” Travis asks and Harry is not paying attention to anyone but me. His eyes are locked on mine with such intensity, it’s almost too much.

“I think he’s perfect” He says without a second thought. We all caught what he said and I’m sure if he had really thought about what he was going to say he would have said that he thought ‘it’ was perfect. But I brushed it off and softly smiled.

“Thanks” I replied and turned my attention away from him.

Harry and Louis were only there for about another hour but I kept myself busy with other things so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him that much. Once he left, Travis and I finished up with another song that we have been working on and then around dinner time, I was finally able to go home.

Friday afternoon I was at Heathrow waiting for Ryan’s plane to land. I was so excited to see him. I missed him so much and with everything that has gone on, it just made me miss him even more. 

I had only been waiting for about twenty minutes when I saw him walking down the corridor and towards me. I smiled brightly and caught his gaze. He quickened his pace and greeted me with one of the best hugs. I fell into his arms and sighed in relief. It felt so good to be back in his arms and to have his body next to mine.

“I missed you so much” I whispered into his ear while still in his embrace. He placed a kiss on my neck where his lips were resting.

“I missed you, too.” He pulled his face from the crook of my neck to look at me and then leaned in to place a kiss on my lips. We kept the kissing tamed because there were many people around us. I took his hand and we exited the airport and drove back to his place.

Two hours later we were cuddling in his bed after exhausting ourselves with pleasurable actions. I had my head rested on his chest and found comfort in the way my head would rise with each breath he took and the sound of his beating heart soothed and calmed the stress from this week.

“So I have something to tell you.” And those words immediately stopped the comforting feeling. I slowly sat up and looked Ryan in the eyes.

“What?” I was thinking that whatever he was going to say couldn’t be good, judging by the look on his face. He sat up against the headboard and took a deep breath and held onto my hands.

“I have to go back to the US next week.”

“Really? For how long?” He didn’t answer right away.

“I’ll be there for about two and a half months.” He finally replied and then dropped his head.

“Why so long?” I stated with sadness in my voice. I don’t want to be away from him for an entire month. This is going to be torture.

“I’ll be doing some more recording in LA and New York and I’ve also been booked to do some shows in a few cities. There is this band whose opening act can’t do the full tour so I’ll be stepping in to finish it with them.” I didn’t say anything in reply. I just laid my head on his chest again and hugged him tight; not wanting to let go. “I leave on Wednesday” He added.

“This sucks. But it’s great for your career. You’ll really be getting introduced into the American market. That’s a great thing. I’m proud of you, but like I said – it sucks.” 

“I know. I’m going to miss you like crazy but maybe you can fly out and see me a few times and come to a couple of the shows.” He placed a kiss on the top of my head. I sighed.

“Yeah. I’ll definitely do that but I’ll still miss you.” I kissed his chest a couple times and wrapped my arms around him, wanting nothing more than just to be held. We stayed that way for the reminder of the day; only leaving the comforts of his bed to have dinner.

The weekend passed quickly and Wednesday was coming sooner than I wanted. Ryan and I basically stayed in most of Saturday and Sunday; spending as much quality time together as possible. We talked about everything and anything and eventually the topic of Harry was brought up.

Ryan knows what happened at Harry’s parents because I have always been truthful with him and always will be. Talking about what happened was probably the first time that I ever saw Ryan get somewhat angry.

Of course he didn’t like the fact that I woke up in Harry’s arms; no significant other would like that fact but I tried to reassure him that as soon as I realized that it was him, I jumped out of bed and yelled at Harry to leave the room.

I can sense that Ryan is getting more and more worried about everything that has gone on. And when I told him about the song that Harry wrote and that my label wanted me to record it and that it’s going on the album, of course he wanted to hear the song. I didn’t want to play it for him but he insisted. Needless to say as much as he said he liked it and that it was a beautiful song, I could tell it hurt him. 

I can see him cracking and I am trying my best to hold it together and reassure him that I’m not going anywhere. I want to be with Ryan. 

“This sucks. You leave in like forty-eight hours.” I pouted and lay across his lap. It was Monday afternoon and we had just returned to his house after we went out for lunch. We were watching a movie that I didn’t much care for. I was just enjoying the quiet time being spent with him.

“I know. But hopefully it will go by quickly. And you’ll be out to visit me in LA in about two and a half weeks so that will be good.” He stated while running his fingers through my hair. I had already bought a ticket out there. I arranged all of it on Saturday. I would spend three days with him – Friday to Monday - and go to one of the shows.

“Yeah. I’ll still miss you, though.” I sighed.

“Me too.” He replied and I sat up a bit so that I could meet his lips. I sit up some more so that I am able to get a better grip on his body. I eventually end up straddling his waist. My hands are in his hair while his are holding tight to my hips. Our kiss deepens and a soft moan leaves my lips.

“I’m gonna miss this” He slowly and softly states against my parted lips. My only response was to hum in pleasure and continue our passionate moment.

A few minutes passed and our kissing became more intense. My body was pressed tighter to his and his hands worked their way around to my chest and traveled down to the button on my jeans and began to undo them.

“Maybe we should take this to the room.” He breathed and ran his lips across my jaw and down my neck. I tilted my head to give him more access.

“Absolut-“ I was cut off when my phone rang. “What the hell. Really.” I said with an irritated tone. Ryan began to laugh as I got up off the couch and adjusted my jeans. I placed a kiss on his lips quickly and then walked across the room to get my phone off the kitchen bar.

“Hello”

“Niall?” The man asked.

“Yes, this is Niall. Who’s calling?”

“Hello, Niall. Its Patrick Jones.” 

“Oh, hello Mr. Jones. How are you?” I replied to my lawyer. Mr. Jones works in the legal department of my label and has been my lawyer since the beginning. I didn’t understand why I really needed a lawyer but apparently when you are in the entertainment business you should always have one on hand.

“I’m doing well and yourself?”

“Good. But I guess that depends on what we have to discuss.” I say in a joking manner and he slightly laughs. “So what’s up?”

“I have a gentleman with me that needs to speak with you and I’m going to put you on speaker.”

“Um..ok…” I turn my attention to Ryan and shrug my shoulders. I have no clue what this is about.

“Hello Niall. My name is Charles Brentwood. I have to legally inform you that James Landon Cromwell has been paroled and will be released a week from today.”

And with that, my breath hitches.

“Mr. Horan, are you still there?” I am having a hard time concentrating and I quickly sit on the floor. Ryan can obviously see that something is wrong, so he is by my side a second later. I take a few breaths and reply.

“Yea…yes…I’m….I’m here. So what does that mean for me?”

“Well I was assigned his case when he was first incarcerated. I’m his court ordered therapist. I saw him weekly for the first two years and then once a month up until now. I feel that he has significantly changed and advised the courts of this. His parole hearing was last week and due to his continual good behavior and my recommendation, he was granted parole.”

“Ok” I stated. 

“He has asked if I could contact you.” I held my breath again.

“Oh…um….”

“He would like to see you to apologize for what he put you through. As a licensed therapist I think that apologizing to you would really complete his treatment and would give him some much needed closure. He has made such progress and has made a complete one eighty from when I first met him. So would you be open to meeting with him?”

“I….I just…” I am really at a loss for words. I forgave him and got my closure the last time I saw him before the police took him away. I don’t know if I want to revisit that time in my life. “Can I think about it?” I ask.

“Yes, of course. I’ll leave you with my number for you to contact me back at the end of this week with your decision. Again, he will be released next Monday.”

“Does he have someplace to stay?”

“Yes. We have already made arrangements for him in a small flat in London. He’ll be able to stay there until he finds employment and secures his own place of residence.”

“Ok. What’s your number?” I motion to Ryan to get me a piece of paper and a pen and he does. I write down the number I am provided.

“Thank you, Mr. Horan….”

“Please call me Niall.”

“Thank you, Niall. I’ll look forward to your call.”

“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Brentwood. I’ll let you know by Friday.” I say goodbye to both of them and set my phone down. I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I lay my head down on the top on my knees and look at Ryan.

“What’s wrong?” He asks and rubs my back soothingly. I don’t say anything for a few moments. I am still trying to process the conversation that I just had.

“Jamie is getting out.” Ryan raises an eyebrow.

“Jamie. As in psycho ex Jamie?”

“Well he’s not psycho anymore, according to the therapist that I just talked to, but yes. That Jamie.” My mind is racing and I feel like I could have a panic attack. Do I want to see him? What would I even say to him? His therapist states that it will help Jamie reach closure and hopefully that will fully heal him of his demons. Maybe seeing me and apologizing would put it all together for him. I honestly have no idea what to do.

“So what is going to happen?” Ryan asks, breaking me from my thoughts.

“Jamie wants to see me.”

“What?!” Ryan exclaimed. “You’re not going to right? He beat you and stalked you.”

“I don’t know. His therapist says that he has made a complete change and is better and seeing me would just put closure to all of his troubles and he would finally be able to move on with his life.”

“That just makes me very nervous. Especially since I’m not even gonna be here.” His voice is now one of concern but I can’t concentrate on anything but that time in my life. I don’t know what to do. My thoughts are all jumbled and honestly there is only one thing or one person actually that I want to discuss this with. Harry. I actually want to be with Harry right now.

“Ryan….. I …..I have to go…I need to see Harry.” I stand up and Ryan stands up with me.

“What? Why?” I walk by him and grab my coat and begin to put on my shoes.

“I just need to see him. He was there through the whole thing and he is the only other person who understands everything. I just need to talk with him about it.”

“Niall” He takes hold of my hand.

“I’m sorry, Ry. I have to go. I can’t even think about anything right now. I’m so confused as to what I should do.”

“Let me help you, babe. I’m here for you.” 

“I know…but I just need to talk to Harry, ok. Please. I’ll call you later tonight, I promise.” I give him a quick hug and kiss and am out the door a second later; driving to my old house. Not even knowing if Harry will even be there, but hoping he is.

I pull into the driveway of the house that Harry and I shared. I haven’t been here in so long and my nerves are over the top right now. I’m nervous because Jamie is being released and wants to see me and I’m also nervous at the fact that I won’t nothing more than to be in Harry’s arms right now instead of my boyfriend’s.

I saw Harry’s car in the driveway, so hopefully that means he is home. I probably should have called first. What if he is home but isn’t alone. It’s just after three so hopefully he isn’t occupied with anything of importance. I just really need to see him and talk to him and I just need him to hold me.

I get out of my car and timidly walk up the path leading to the front door. Everything about the house looks the same as it did when I moved out a year and a half ago. I take a couple deep breaths and rub my eyes free of any frustration tears that have fallen on my drive over here. I hover my finger over the doorbell and will myself to push it. After a minute of my own pep talk I press the bell and can hear it chiming on the inside.

“One minute” I hear being yelled. It’s Harry’s voice and I can hear him padding down the hallway that leads to the front door. I take another deep breath just as the door opens. I look up at him and his eyes widen. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. A few tears escape my eyes and I, without thinking, launch myself into his arms and bury my face into his neck. I can feel the surprise in his body and it takes a few moments for him to hug me back.

“Niall…..” He states softly trying to get my attention but I keep my face hidden in his neck. “Ni…..what’s wrong.” I still don’t reply. “Let’s get inside, yeah?” He offers and I feel him pulling me into the house. I release my grip slightly and follow him inside. I keep my hands wrapped around him the entire way into the living room and he sits me on the couch.

I finally look up at him and more tears fall. “Oh God, Harry…I don’t know what to do.” I stutter out between soft cries.

“Niall…please tell me what’s wrong. What happened?” He took hold of each side of my face and held it so that I was looking directly into his eyes.

“Jamie’s being released next Monday.” That was all I had to say and Harry immediately pulled me into his body and held me; asking no more questions because he understood completely. He just held me and whispered soothing words against my head and eventually just started humming a soothing tune and gently rocking us back and forth.

We must have stayed like that for a half hour. Both completely silent knowing nothing else needed to be said at the moment. Eventually falling asleep.

I began to slowly wake up. I was still on the couch in Harry’s arms. I looked around and saw that the clock on the cable box read 5:30pm. We’ve been asleep for about an hour and a half. I start to sit up and then can feel Harry waking up due to my movements. He released his arms from around my waist and sat up facing me. He waited for me to speak.

“I’m sorry for just bursting in on you but I just couldn’t think of anything else to do when I was told he was being released.”

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m glad you came over. You know I’m here for you always.” He leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll make us some tea and then we can talk about it, ok?” I nodded and he stood up and went into the kitchen.

After a minute or so, I got up and walked around the familiar living room. He hadn’t really changed it much. Most of the furniture is the same. There are a few pieces of art that are new and a few new shelves and bookcases but other than that, it’s still the same place where Harry and I spent a great deal of time.

I look around a little bit and notice pictures, framed and setting on the new shelves. Upon further inspection I see that they are pictures of Harry and me and some just of me. Sad thoughts fill my head with the realization that Harry still lives in the past, in which him and I are happily together. I then begin to think that coming here was probably the worst idea I have ever had. I shouldn’t have run to him like this. I don’t want to give him false hope. 

I look at another picture of the two us. It’s one from our anniversary trip to Fiji. I smile at the memory of that amazing vacation and just then I hear Harry clearing his throat. I turn and see him smiling at me with two mugs in his hands. I smile in return and return to the couch, take my cup from him and sit; silently taking my first sip.

I set the cup on the coffee table and lean back further into the couch and get myself comfortable. Harry does the same and patiently waits for me to begin talking.

“I spoke with the therapist that was assigned to him when he was first put in jail. He said that Jamie has made a complete one eighty and because he has had nothing but good conduct since being in, he was paroled. His hearing was last week and he is being released on Monday.”

“Ok. So what does that mean?” Harry asked.

“Well his therapist, a guy named Mr. Brentwood, said that Jamie would like to see me to really apologize for everything that he did to me. Mr. Brentwood thinks it would completely allow Jamie to heal and move on with closure.” I took another sip of my tea.

“Are you going to see him?”

“I just…I don’t know. I guess I feel like I got my closure that night he was taken away but he obviously didn’t and I guess I want that for him but at the same time I’m scared.” Harry took one of my hands in his and gently rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand.

“I think you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. If you don’t think you can face him again, then don’t but if you do want to see him to give him the closure he is seeking then you should do it. But you won’t be doing it on your own. Your security should be there.”

“I know but I guess I don’t want him feeling like he is surrounded by big burly men ready to pounce on him if he steps the wrong way.” I reply.

“I don’t like the thought of you being alone with him so if you don’t want security with you, at least have Ryan there. Or Liam or Zayn.” I could see he wanted to say something else and I waited for him to form his sentence in his mind. “I would prefer it if I was the one who was there, but I understand that that wouldn’t be possible.” He sighs and lowers his head slightly.

“I…um…I kind of would prefer it if it was you that was with me.” He lifts his head, eyes full of hope.

“Really? What about Ryan?”

“Ryan is actually leaving on Wednesday for the US and he is going to be over there for like almost three months.”

“Oh. Does he know about Jamie being released?”

“Yeah. I was at his house when I got the call. I feel horrible right now because he was trying to comfort me and be here for me but I just felt like I had to talk to you. You are really the only one who fully understands everything regarding Jamie and me. You are the only one that knows absolutely everything that he did to me. I care about Ryan so much and he is my boyfriend and I want nothing more than for him to be happy but I knew that he couldn’t provide the comfort and understanding I needed with regard to this situation.” Harry wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

“I’m sorry” He whispered. “But I am here for you one hundred percent. I’ll be with you in this every step of the way, if you want.”

“Thank you, Harry. It really means so much to me.” We end our conversation and sit quietly in each other’s arms for a little while longer.

By eight, I am saying goodbye to Harry and told him that I would call him after I spoke with Jamie’s therapist to set up a time to meet. We held each other at the front door for a few minutes and he placed a kiss on my cheek and I left.

“Ni?” Ryan answers the phone.

“Hey, babe. Can I come over?” I didn’t just want to show up. I didn’t know if he would be upset with me or not. He has every reason to, however. I am just hoping that he understands. I am about ten minutes away from his house.

“Of course. Did you eat yet? Are you hungry?”

“No. I’ve not had anything to eat and I guess I should have something. Maybe something light. My nerves are still all over the place.”

“Alright. I’ll have some soup ready for you when you get here.”

“That sounds perfect, baby. Thank you. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” We say goodbye and I finish my drive towards his home.

Nothing was said when I arrived. Just our normal greeting and we then had the soup he had made. I know he wants to talk but is waiting for me to start. Honestly, I am just so exhausted and don’t feel much like talking about anything. I place our bowls in the sink and take him by the hand and lead him to his bedroom.

“Can you just hold me? I just really want to sleep. Is that ok?” I ask as I begin to remove my clothing. He follows my actions and we are soon in our boxers.

“Sure. We’ll talk in the morning, yeah?” He says as he pulls my body into his and holds me tight; cuddling into me.

“yeah. Goodnight, babe.” I place a kiss on his chest.

“Goodnight” He then kisses the top of my head and I feel his body take a deep breath and then relax.

I roll over and flutter my eyes open. I reach for Ryan, but I don’t feel him. I fully open my eyes and take notice that he isn’t in bed nor is he in the room. I look at the clock and see that I have slept longer than I have in a while. It’s almost noon time meaning I slept for close to fourteen hours but I still feel exhausted.

I wake up a bit more and can hear someone downstairs. I assume Ryan is up and around and ready for the day. He has a lot to do since he is leaving in tomorrow morning and here I am still in bed, when I should be spending as much time with him as possible.

I grab some of his clothes that I can wear after I take a quick shower. I do so and then head to where he is. I find him in the kitchen cooking, presumably making lunch for us. I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around to the front of his chest. I place a kiss on his back. He leans back into my touch.

“Hey, sleepy head.”

“Hi, babe. Sorry I slept so long. Do you need any help?”

“No. It’s almost ready. But do you think you could set the table and then we can have some lunch and then I think we should talk. Is that ok?” He asks and I feel a pit in my stomach.

“Yea. That’s fine.” I turn him around so that I can kiss his lips and then I work on setting the table.

Lunch was for the most part silent. Neither of us really discussing much more than what he has to get done before he leaves. The topic of Jamie and Harry never crossed our lips once. I think we both knew that it was best to discuss the situation with any type of distractions. 

We settled on the couch afterwards; our bodies turned towards one another and we waited silently for the other to begin. I didn’t know what to say or how to start so I was thankful when he spoke the first words.

“So what have you decided?”

“I’m gonna see him. I think that it’s only fair for him to get the closure that he is seeking and maybe even though I consider myself having received closure the night he was arrested, maybe this will put definite finality to it.” He nodded in reply but I could see it in his eyes that he was thinking hard about something else.

“I want to be the one you come to, Niall. I should be the one. I’m your boyfriend. Why did you run to Harry? Why must it always lead back to Harry?” And there it is. I knew this day would come but I was trying to convince myself that Harry would never come between Ryan and me but I guess deep down I always knew I was fooling myself. But I still want to be with Ryan. I don’t want to date Harry. I think about what I want to say and sigh.

“I’m sorry for leaving yesterday. It’s just that Harry knows everything about what happened between Jamie and me. He understands like no one else can. He-“

“Then help me understand, Niall. I can be here for you.”

“I’m sorry, Ry. I just…..” I softly reply and drop my head.

“I think maybe…..” He pauses and I look up at his sullen face. “Maybe we should take a break.” My eyes go wide and fill with tears immediately.

“What!? No. I don’t want a break. Why would you say that?” I hold onto his hands tightly and plead with my eyes to take it back.

“I just think that you really need to think about what you want. Or who you want, rather.”

“I want you. I want to be with you. I don’t want anyone else but you.” I let the tears flow freely from my pleading eyes.

“I know you think you believe that but I think you do have feelings for Harry still but you are just pushing them aside for me. That’s not fair to you or to me for that matter. Because when you do finally admit it to yourself that you have feelings for him, who knows how far into our relationship it will be, who knows how deeply in love with you I will be and it will break me even more than it is right now. I know that neither of us is at the point in our relationship to have fallen in love with one another but I do have love for you and I care deeply for you and I just want to see you happy and I want to be happy.”

“But I am happy with you. Baby, please don’t do this.” I bury my head into his chest and let the tears flow. He rubs my back gently and waits for me to calm my breathing. After few minutes he sits me up to look at him.

“Why do you want to be with me, Niall?”

“I care for you so much and we have so much fun together and I love the person that you are. You are kind, giving, caring and just amazing. You are the perfect boyfriend and I trust that you will never hurt me.” I reply without a second thought, hoping that it convinces him to change his mind.

“Thank you and I try to be perfect for you because you deserve that but I think maybe the fact that you know I would never hurt you is what you like about me the most. You know that I would never hurt you like Jamie did or like Harry did. But that isn’t going to change the fact that regardless of what you say to convince yourself, you still have feelings for Harry and you owe to yourself to not be scared about getting hurt again and try one more time with him.”

“But I don’t want to. I want you, Ryan.” He softly shakes his head.

“I think we need to do this. I’ll be in the US for a while and I think it would be best that we break for that time. I care so much about you and it is killing me to do this but it’s what I think is best. You need to be honest with yourself and really figure out your feelings for Harry. I mean maybe you should even kiss him to see if-“

“No. I’m not going to kiss him. I would never cheat on you.” I look at him shocked that he would even suggest such a thing.

“You won’t be cheating, Niall cause we won’t be dating.” I sob at his words and hold him tighter.

“Can’t I change your mind?” I breathe.

“No. I’m sorry, Niall. I think this is for the best.” He sighs.

“But what if once you come back, I still want to be with you.”

“Then we can talk about it then and decide what would be best for both of us. But for now, I think its best that we take a break.” I look into his tear filled eyes; his expression is matching my depressed one. I shift my body up and straddle his lap. I hold onto his cheeks and kiss him with all of the emotion that I can come up with. He kisses back equally fierce. He pulls away after a few minutes.

“We should stop.” He whispers.

“No. Please. Let’s just be together right now. If this is the last time I get to hold you, I want to make it count. Please, Ryan. Please make love to me.”

We spent the rest of the day in his bed getting our fill of one another. Filling our desires for one another for what could potentially be the last time. Touching and kissing through tear soaked faces and words of needing, longing and want.

The next morning found me in Ryan’s arms at Heathrow saying goodbye. We both cried and held each other tight. 

“I’m going to miss you so much, baby” I cried softly into his neck. The words having double meaning that we both understood. I’d miss him because he would be away for two and a half months and I’d miss him because as of last night, he was no longer my boyfriend.

“I’ll miss you too, babe.” He kissed the top of my head and pulled away a bit to look in my eyes. “Call me if you need anything, ok? I’m still here for you. I still care about you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“Please change your mind.” I plead once more.

“I’m sorry, Ni. This is the way it has to be. I think you’ll realize it, too. Eventually. Just listen to your heart and do what will make you happy, ok. Be honest with your feelings.” I solemnly nod and let a few more tears escape. I leaned towards him and placed my lips on his. We moved them in sync for a few moments and then rested them in place, lingering on one another until we finally pulled away. 

“I’ll text you when I land” He said and I nodded. 

We gave one last hug and he started to back away. I let out a small choked sob and held onto his hands until the distance between us caused our fingers to release from one another. He placed his fingers on his lips and motioned a kiss to me. I did the same and held my hand up in a motionless wave until he finally turned around to continue walking away.

I crossed my arms over my chest to hold myself. I brought one hand up to wipe the tears from my cheeks. I pulled my hoodie over my head to shield my face as much as possible and walked away.

To: Niall

I’m in New York.

To: Ryan

Ok. I miss you. Please change your mind, baby.

To: Niall

I miss you, too. A lot. But I think it has to be this way. I’m sorry.

To: Ryan

Don’t be sorry. I guess I understand. But it still hurts. Can we talk this weekend?

To: Niall

Absolutely. Call me on Saturday. Have a good night, babe.

To: Ryan

Ok. Good. I’ll talk to you on Saturday. Have a good day. Miss you. xxx

To: Niall

xxx

That was the text I have been waiting for all day. It’s the only reason why I have kept my phone on for this long. I really don’t want to be bothered by anyone. So now that I know he is safely in New York, I am turning my phone off and hiding away in my bed. I don’t want to move. I just want to lie under the covers and cry myself to sleep and dream about being in Ryan’s arms.

It’s Thursday around six in the evening before I finally emerge from my room. Other than quick trips to the bathroom, I have not left my bed since getting back from the airport when I dropped Ryan off. I’ve cried every tear that was in my body. Eventually I was crying without tears. I slept, stared at the ceiling, went to the bathroom, slept, cried, stared at the ceiling some more and slept again.

I ignored my hunger pains. I had water next to my bed that I was sipping off of but I really could care less about my well being. I was too depressed to move. 

I walk out into the kitchen first and decide on having a piece of toast. Something small that wouldn’t upset my stomach too much. I wasn’t really in the mood to eat but I knew that I needed to get something in my system. While the bread was in the toaster, I went back into my room and grabbed my phone and turned it back on.

I scrolled through my missed calls and texts while eating my toast and drinking some cranberry juice. 

I have about fifteen missed calls with six voice mails and around thirty texts; all from Liam, Zayn and Louis except for one missed call from my mum and a text from Harry. I listen to the voicemails and it is clear that Liam and Zayn must have talked to Ryan because they both left a message to call them if I need anything and that they are really sorry. The voicemail from my mother is just your average ‘calling to check in’ type of thing. There is also another from Louis and judging by his tone, he knows what happened as well. Liam or Zayn must have told him. I can’t see Ryan calling Louis to tell him that he broke up with me. 

All of the texts are apologies and sympathetic words in addition to them asking me to call them so we can talk. But I still don’t want to talk. I want to wallow in the fact that the most perfect boyfriend dumped me because of my baggage. And yes, that is what I am considering Harry right now; baggage.

I know Harry really isn’t to be blamed in this situation. Yes, Harry has made it very clear that he wants to be with me and has made several attempts to see it through but it’s my own emotions that are betraying me. I want Ryan and I care about him so much but at the same time I am confused by the intense and still ever present attraction to Harry.

Harry’s text just asks for me to call or text him back. I am sure it’s about the whole Jamie thing. Which reminds me that I have to contact his therapist tomorrow and set up a meeting with Jamie. 

I have finished with my toast and decide to take a much needed shower and clean myself up a bit. I will return the calls afterwards.

An hour later I am sat on my sofa; phone in hand and trying to decide who call first. I figure my mum would be the easiest and I was right. We have a brief conversation and I let her know the simple version of what went down. She says that she is sorry and to call her if I need anything. I also tell her that I will call when I figure out when I am meeting with Jamie. She says that the situation makes her nervous but she trusts my judgment and knows that I will handle everything perfectly. We say our ‘love yous’ and ‘goodbyes’ and I am on to the next call.

My calls to Liam and Zayn are pretty much the same as the call with my mother except with a little more detail because they have seen mine and Ryan’s relationship develop and have been around for the entire thing. We make plans to hang out on Sunday and I am looking forward to that if I’m being honest. It will be nice just to be in the company of my best friends.

My call with Louis was only about a minute long because he insists on coming over. There is no convincing him otherwise and I am too exhausted to put up an argument. He should be here in about an hour. I then make my final call; the call to Harry.

“Hey you”

“Hi” I reply and there are a few moments of silence.

“So…did you..um..talk with Jamie’s therapist yet?” I was thankful that he decided to talk about Jamie and not Ryan. I don’t think I would be up to talking about Ryan with Harry.

“Not yet. I’ll give him a call tomorrow and set everything up, I guess. I’ll let you know when it is…that is…if you still want to….um..be there.”

“Of course. You won’t be meeting with him alone.”

“I’m sure it would be fine, Harry.”

“Well I’m not taking any chances when your safety is on the line.” I lightly smile at his reply.

“Thanks. I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow, then.”

“Ok.” There was another pause and then he begins to speak again. “I’m ….. just….I’m sorry, Ni.” I knew what he was referring to but I couldn’t really form a reply, so he continued. “I hate knowing that you are hurting and I can tell in your voice that you are.”

“Yeah. It hurts. I miss him.” I begin to feel the pressure in my eyes and I can feel the tears coming, I sniffle and hear him sigh. He obviously knows I am starting to cry. “I gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye Harry”

“Ok. Bye, Ni.” I quickly hang up the phone and drop my head onto the couch and allow myself to start crying again. I stay that way until Louis knocks on my door a half hour later.

I drag my feet over to the front door. I have the throw blanket from the back of my couch wrapped up around my body and covering the lower half of my face. I open the door.

“Awe…Ni.” Louis states when he takes in my appearance and then wraps his arms around me. I don’t return the hug because my arms are tied up in the blanket but he doesn’t seem to mind and I’m sure he understands. I sniffle and then pull away and walk back to the couch without a word. I can hear Lou following behind me.

I sit on the sofa and he walks into the kitchen and I watch as he places the kettle on the stove to boil water for tea. Ten minutes later our cups of hot, steamy, tea are on the coffee table and I am curled up into Louis’ arms.

“Wanna tell me what happened? You don’t have to. We can just stay like this. I’m yours for the entire night…emotionally…and maybe physically cause you’re quite good looking” He starts to chuckle and I look up at him and elbow him in the chest and lightly smile. I can always count on Louis to make me feel a little better.

“Don’t think Harry would like that very much” I reply and lay my head back down on his chest.

“Yeah. Probably not. But we’ll just keep it between us.”

“Yeah. Ok, Louis.” I smile and reach for my tea and take a sip and then return it to its spot on the table.

“But seriously, we can just stay silent all night if you want but it might do you some good to talk about it.” He rubs my back and places a kiss on my head. I sigh and decided to discuss what happened.

I tell him about what happened at Harry’s parents’ house, which I’m sure he already got that story from Harry, himself. I then told him about what happened on Monday when I got the call from Jamie’s therapist and that I immediately went to see Harry.

I told him about Tuesday and what Ryan suggested about us taking a break while he was in the US because he basically wants me to really think about what I want and if I am lying to myself about how I feel about Harry. I also added that I still want to be with Ryan and I hope he changes his mind and lets us be together again.

“I want to be with Ryan.” I finish and sit up from Louis’ lap and turn to face him.

“I get that, Ni but I think that Ryan has a point. It really isn’t fair for him to continue in this relationship with you and eventually fall in love with you and then you finally realize that your feelings for Harry never went away. Then the two of you will be more heartbroken than you are now. You do really need to take some time to yourself and then really start to think about what you still might feel for Harry. And if after you have honestly thought about all of your feelings and you still want to be with Ryan without a doubt in your mind, than be with him. But if there is a little bit of you that still thinks about you and Harry, even just a little bit, you owe it to yourself to figure out what it is.”

“I want to be with Ryan. I want it to be him and me. I don’t want anyone else.” I rub my face in frustration. I feel Louis put his hand on my knee. I look up at him and wait to hear what else he is about to say.

“Ni, can you honestly say that you don’t have any feelings towards Harry and that you could be near him and hug him without having those butterflies or tingles or chills.” I don’t reply because I know and he knows that I can’t say that.

“I think that Ryan was right in suggesting that maybe you kiss Harry and see what you feel.”

“Louis, I’m not going to cheat on Ryan.”

“You aren’t cheating. You and Ryan are broken up. You are free to place your lips on anyone you want. He is free to do the same thing.”

“Ugh. That hurt to think about.” I held my chest.

“Sorry.” He apologizes. “But for real. You owe it to yourself to be completely honest with your feelings and test the waters with Harry. I’m not saying jump right into dating him again, but just give yourself a chance to get close to him again. He loves you, Niall. He loves you more than I’ve ever seen anyone one love another. His feelings have never wavered. I know everything that happened and that he messed up but he would always say that you and he would be together again. Don’t be afraid to get close to him again.”

“I get it. I really do. I know I need to figure out what I am feeling. Honestly right now, all I want is to be in Ryan’s arms. But Ry was right in saying that I probably still have feelings for Harry and I know that I need to figure that out but at the same time I don’t want to lead Harry on. I don’t want to kiss him and give him hope that we will get back together and then after kissing him and spending time with him realize that my feelings are only there because he was my first real love but I don’t want to be with him in that way anymore. How would that make him feel? It would break him again and I don’t want that.”

“I think Harry understands what this whole break that Ryan suggested is for. I think he realizes that you need time to figure out your feelings for him. But I don’t think Harry thinks about it as you leading him on. He looks at it as an opportunity to show you that he is the right person for you. He wants you to fall in love with him again, or admit that you still love him. I just want everyone to be happy; you, Harry and Ryan.”

“I want us all to be happy, too. Too bad I can’t have ‘em both.” I wiggle my eyebrows at Louis and his picks up one of the throw pillows and hits me over the head with it.

“Let’s just go to bed, you goof.” He stands up from the couch and pulls me up with him and we walk towards my room. It’s nothing new for Louis and I to share a bed, we have in the past. So it’s also not a big deal that we both strip down to our boxers and climb in and snuggle up to one another. We have never had those types of feelings for one another. We both can agree that we think each other is good looking but that is as far as it goes. He is a best friend; a brother.

“Thanks for coming over, Lou. I love ya.” 

“You know I consider you a best friend, Ni. I love ya, too and I’ll always be here for you.” It is at that moment when his phone buzzes. He reaches over to the night stand and picks up his phone and reads the message. I watch as he smirks and types a reply and then laughs once it is sent.

“Why are you laughing?” I ask.

“Harry just texted me and asked what I was doing and I told him that I was half naked and in bed with you.” He started to laugh and I chuckled along with him. He pulled me in closer and pushed the covers down off our chests and held up his phone.

“Smile” He exclaimed and I realized that he is sending Harry a picture of the two of us, looking naked and in bed together. Leave it to Louis to torture his best friend like this. But I played along. I closed my eyes and turned my face inward to Louis and I felt his lips on my forehead, I smiled and draped my arm across his chest. I hear the click of the shutter and then we pulled away from each other and laughed when we saw the picture. We looked like a proper couple and if you didn’t know us, you would probably think we were.

He sent it to Harry a minute later and moments after that, Louis’ phone begins ringing. It’s Harry and we both start laughing.

“Louis and Niall’s room” Louis answers and puts the phone on speaker so that I can hear.

“Yeah…great Lou, thanks. You don’t need to get so close to him you know.” Harry huffs and I’m about to say something but Louis covers my mouth.

“I happen to like cuddling with the sexy Irish blonde guy. You’re just jealous.” I roll my eyes.

“Yes actually, I am.” He replies firmly and I remove Louis’ hand from my mouth.

“Awe, that’s very sweet, Harry.” I smile.

“Oh. Hey …. Niall.” He stutters.

“Hey, Harry.”

“Don’t let him take advantage of you. I know he gets quite frisky while he sleeps.” Harry stifles a laugh while Louis fakes being shocked.

“I’m well aware of that but I’m a single guy now so maybe I’ll take advantage of him. Goodnight, Harold” Louis and I begin to laugh.

“Oh…God, Niall! Yes, right there. Ohhh” Louis dramatically moans and then ends the call. He places the phone on the nightstand and then cuddles back into me again. Smiles still etched on our faces.

“Thanks for tonight, Louis. I didn’t think I would be smiling and joking around so soon. I mean, I still wish I was with Ryan but at least I’m feeling a little better.”

“I’m glad, Ni. Now let’s get some sleep.” I nod and close my eyes.

“I made us breakfast, Ni! Get up!” Louis shouts as he is jumping on my bed. I grumble curse words at him and pull the blankets over my head.

“There will be none of that, Mr. Horan. Now get up!” He then kicks my backside. I yelp in shock, not pain, because it wasn’t very hard. It just startled me. I heard Louis jump from my bed and onto the floor and leave my room. I tossed the covers off and slowly slid out of bed. I threw on some sweatpants and headed downstairs.

“This smells edible. That’s surprising.” I say to Louis as I enter the kitchen. We all know that Louis is not the best cook so the fact that everything looks and smells really good is shocking but at the same time still unbelievable.

“Hey!” Lou says in protest. “I’m a brilliant cook.” He huffed and then I took notice of a bag with a logo on it. I picked it up and noticed it was a logo from restaurant that serves breakfast all day long. I smiled and held the bag up.

“You forgot to hide the evidence.” He smirks and then smiles at the fact that he just got caught. He grabs the bag from my hand and crumples it up and throws it in the bin.

“Whatever.” He replies and continues setting the table.

“Thanks for last night and thanks for breakfast, Lou. I appreciate it.” I say as he is readying to leave. 

“Anytime, Ni. And I always make or get breakfast for someone I just slept with.” He smirks and I laugh. “I’ll call you later. Maybe we can all go out tonight if you feel up to it. I’ll see what Liam and Zayn are up to and if you’re ok with it, I’ll ask Harry along as well.”

“I’ll think about. I have to talk with Jamie’s therapist today and then I need to get back into the studio and make up for the two days I spent in here, hiding. I’ll let you know how I’m feeling later, ok?”

“Sounds good. Love ya.” He replies and kisses my temple then opens the door.

“Love you, too. I’ll talk to you later. Thanks again. Bye.”

“Bye” he calls back as he is walking towards his car. I stand in the doorway until he has pulled out of the drive way and started down the road.

An hour later I am freshly showered, dressed and ready for the day. I have to be to the studio in another hour so I decide to take a few minutes to call Mr. Brentwood and discuss the situation with Jamie. I am overwhelmingly nervous but strangely enough, I think I am probably more curious than I should be to see how he is doing and if he still looks like the same Jamie that I knew and once, for a brief amount of time, sort of loved.

“Charles Brentwood” he answers.

“Yes. Hello, Mr. Brentwood. This is Niall Horan.”

“Hello, Niall. Good to hear from you. How are you this morning?”

“I’m well thank you. And yourself?” I reply.

“I’m doing very well, thank you.”

“That’s good. I’m calling obviously in regard to Jamie….or um…James. I’m not sure how you refer to him.”

“Jamie.” He states, frankly.

“Ok. So I have been thinking about it and I decided that it would be ok to see him.”

“That’s great. Thank you so much, Niall. I am sure it was not an easy decision for you. I’ve read over the entire case file and so I know what he did to you. But I can assure you that the man you knew four years ago is not the same man he is today.” He assured.

“Well, yes. I am slightly nervous if I’m being honest and I think I would prefer for the meeting to be in a public place. Well sort of public place. I want to feel safe but at the same time, with the type of career that I have, paparazzi can be an issue. And him coming to my place is completely out of the question. For obvious reason, you understand.” I really want to be able to talk with him privately without the worry of photographers catching wind of where I am, even though what went on between Jamie and I was never made public, but I still need the security of knowing that he can’t harm me. And I certainly don’t want him knowing where I live, just in case.

“I certainly understand and I have a resolution for that, if you would be agreeable to it.” He says and I continue to listen. “You could meet at my office. Due to the types of people that I sometimes treat, I have security cameras set up in the different rooms and when I am seeing one of the more troublesome patients, a security staff member watches the security feed for the room that I am in. Just in case anything should happen. I wouldn’t consider Jamie as one of my troublesome patients but I can understand your need for wanting to feel safe. So while the two of you are talking, I’ll be watching the security feeds in a room down the hall. Would that work for you?” I think about it for a second and I guess that suggestion could work.

“That sounds fine. Thank you. Would I…um…be able to bring someone with me? They can stay in the room with you.” I ask knowing Harry will never let me go alone.

“Absolutely. If it would make you feel more comfortable.”

“Ok. Thanks. So when will this be happening?” I ask.

“Well, Jamie is going to be released on Monday, as you know. Then he will be spending time getting situated in his temporary flat and he will have to have a meeting with his parole officer, so I think by Thursday of next week. How about at two in the afternoon? Would that be ok with you?” I don’t know if I have anything scheduled or if Harry does for that matter but I am sure it should be fine.

“That’s good.”

“Great. And thank you so much for doing this, Niall. Like I’ve said before, I really think that this will finally put his past and his previous antics to bed. This will heal him, almost completely, I think.”

I tell him that I hope it does heal Jamie and then he provides me with the address to his office. He thanks me again and tells me how excited Jamie will be to hear that I agreed to meeting with him. We say goodbye and I sit completely still on the sofa, with nothing but my thoughts. After ten minutes, I am out the door and on my way to the studio.

It only took about three hours to finish what needed completing with Travis. I recorded some vocals to a couple songs and tweaked some others. Only a few more days working things out and I think we will be finished with all of the songs and then it’s just a matter of narrowing them down to about eighteen for the album. It feels really good knowing I’ll finally be coming out with my sophomore album and I do really hope it’s as well received as my first was.

I am home before dinner and begin to consider if I want to out tonight. What I really want to do is call Ryan. I wonder what he is doing and I miss him terribly. I scroll back and forth over his name in my phone and come close to calling him several times. But I have to respect what he wants even if I don’t like it. I’ll wait and call him tomorrow like we had planned.

I heat myself up some left over pizza and consider that a good enough meal. I wander around my house really not knowing what to do with myself right now. It’s Friday night and that usually means date night for Ryan and me and that thought makes this whole situation even more painful. Maybe it would be best that I go out to get my mind off of everything.

Before I can convince myself otherwise I call Louis and tell him that I will go and ask that he comes to pick me up; another tactic that will prevent me from backing out. He sounds really excited and tells me that we are going to the Funky Buddha, Liam’s favorite place, and that both Liam and Zayn will be meeting us there. 

He asked if I minded if Harry goes but really who am I to say what he can or can’t do. The fact is that Harry and I will always be in the same circle of friends. We may date or we may not but we will always be in each other’s lives and I need to get use to that fact and stop with all the damn internal fighting. I may only want to be with Ryan right now but Harry and I have to rebuild a friendship otherwise we will have to split time with Liam, Louis and Zayn like divorced parents sharing custody over their kids. So I tell Louis that if Harry wants to go out with us than he should feel more than welcome. 

It’s around ten before I get into the shower to get ready for this evening. I make sure that I look good but I can’t really be bothered to put too much effort into it. I’m really not trying to impress anyone nor am I even thinking about trying to meet anyone else. It’s only been two days since Ryan left; two days since the start of our break up; two days living as a single man. Louis is at my door by ten thirty and we arrive at the club at eleven.

“Hey. How are you doing?” Liam utters in my ear and I strain to listen because the music is quite loud. I shrug and say ‘ok’. And it’s the truth for the most part. I am ok right now. I’m upset and depressed about Ryan but I’m ok right now considering the mess I was two days ago when he walked towards the plane.

Liam smiled softly and rubbed my back. I smile lightly, back and thanked him.

“Do you want anything? A beer? Hard liquor?” He asks with a smirk.

“A beer would be good, thanks.”

“Coming right up!” He exclaims and then takes off in the direction of the bar. I try to engage myself in conversations that are going on around me ran by Louis and Zayn but I really am only able to nod or smile or say one or two words in response to most things. I’m trying to be upbeat and not bring others down with my depressing mood but by the pity filled looks be directed at me by Zayn and Louis, I know I’m not doing a very good job of it.

“Here. Liam said you wanted this.” I turn my head to face the person that just whispered into my ear. Harry. He has two pints in his hand and from what he just said, one of them is mine. “Liam got talking to someone at the bar and saw me walk by and stopped to give me this to give to you.”

“Oh. Ok. Thank you.” I reply and take the glass from his hand. Our fingertips brush and I can see the way he is regarding me. It is an intense stare; enough to make me feel like the only other person in the room. I can feel my body getting hotter and I haven’t even put any alcohol in it yet. I smile before I take my first swig and he does the same; never taking his eyes off of me.

After about forty five minutes and two pints later, the sound and massive amounts of people are getting to me. I think I have reached my capacity for extreme noise tolerance and I begin to shift back and forth. Louis looks to be having a grand time and I hate to have him leave to drive me home. I’m sure there are plenty of taxis out front that can take me home and with that thought, I begin to say goodbye.

“We still on for Sunday?” Zayn asks before releasing me from our hug.

“Yeah. Should be fun. Come around one-ish?”

“Sounds good.” He replies and turns back to his conversation with Siobhan, the same girl I met at Harry’s birthday party. I liked her. It’s good that he has seemingly kept her around for a few weeks.

I had basically the same parting conversation with Liam and Louis. Although Louis said that he would leave and take me home but I insisted that he stay and enjoy his night. I then looked to find Harry. I couldn’t leave without telling him goodbye because that would be rude no matter how I am feeling.

“I’m leaving.”I say

“Really? Already?” He looks sadden by the news.

“Yeah. I thought maybe I could handle this all night, but I think that I am just ready to go home and go to bed.”

“Oh. Louis taking you back then?” He asks and then finishes the drink in his hand.

“No. I’m going to grab a taxi.”

“I’ll drive you home. I’m ready to call it a night as well.” He hands his empty glad to a waitress walking by. She flashes her best ‘do me’ smile and he gives her his dimpled smile and all I can think is that she is barking up the wrong tree. She doesn’t have all of the necessary equipment to make him happy.

“No it’s ok. I’m fine in a taxi. Anyway, how much have you had to drink? Maybe you should take a taxi as well.” I finally reply once the waitress has walked away.

“That was only my second beer. I’m completely fine. Seriously, let me take you home.” He stands closer to me and then places his hand on the small of my back and leads me towards where the boys are congregated. He says goodbye and whispers something into Louis’ ear and I can see his eyes slightly lighten as Harry is talking to him. I can only guess that Lou is happy at the fact that Harry is bringing me home but I ignore the thought and wait for Harry to finish with his goodbyes.

We walk side by side out of the club; his hand still on the small of my back and begin the two block stroll towards his car.

Forty-five minutes later we arrive back at my place and he puts the car in park and we sit in silence. I am struggling with whether or not I should invite him in. On one hand, I guess I could talk to him about the meeting with Jamie next week but on the other hand, I am unsure of what will happen once we are alone in my house. I don’t want anything to happen. I know I’m not ready to explore my possible feelings for Harry yet. I’m not ready to do as Ryan suggested and kiss Harry. I take a deep breath and just go with my gut feeling.

“Do you wanna come in?” I ask and it’s spoken so softly that I am sure he had to strain just to listen.

“I’d like that.” He softy replies and turns the vehicle off. We walk into the house and I toss my keys onto my shelf in the entry way and toe off my shoes. He does the same with his and then removes his jacket and hangs it on the rack at which I hang mine.

“Do you want something to drink? Water, tea, coffee…..” I ask as we make our way through the living room and into the kitchen.

“Tea would be great actually. Thanks.” I nod and walk over to the kettle and fill it with fresh water and place it on the stove top. It is when I am turning the burner on that I feel his presence directly behind me.

I look down towards my feet and see his feet on either side of mine. I then feel his hands on my hips and moments later his face is lightly pressing into the crook of my neck; lips pressed to my sensitive skin.

I can feel the heat from the burner turned on high and I can feel the heat from his body. I take a few deep breaths to calm my body and stave off the shivers that want to release from my muscles. 

I feel the tip of his nose run along the outside of my ear, gently, as his hands slide to the front of my body, encasing me around my stomach.

“I’m so sorry, Niall” He says, softer than a whisper. I lean my head towards his a little more and wrap my arms around myself; on top of his arms and hands. He places a kiss to the side of my neck and his lips linger.

I find myself being extremely comforted by him and I don’t want the feeling to go away. I am hurting terribly and I want to feel the warmth of another. I want to feel the caring of another. I want all of this but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want Harry to be making me feel this comforted. I don’t want Harry’s lips to send shivers down my spine. I don’t want Harry’s words to calm me. I want Ryan. Still. I’m not ready for this.

“Harry” I breathe and start to turn my body so that I can face him.

His head stays dipped down so that when I am fully facing him, his nose is touching mine; his forehead is resting on mine. His lips are now centimeters from touching mine.

“I can’t. Not yet.” He closes his eyes and slightly turns his face and places a kiss just to the left of my lips on my cheek and it’s at that time that the kettle begins to whistle.

Our tea is made and we are resting on the sofa in what I could describe as a comfortable silence. I have the radio on in the background playing a soft, soothing, quiet melody; too quite to even really recognize the song. The lights in the house are dimmed and this could all be considered a romantic setting but in this case it wasn’t. I decide to break the silence between us.

“I spoke with Jamie’s therapist today.” I said and then took notice that it was two thirty in the morning. “Well yesterday” I smile, correcting myself.

“So, what’s the plan then?” He finished his tea and placed the cup on the coffee table.

“I’m meeting with him on Thursday at two in the afternoon. It will be at the therapist’s office, downtown.” I then explain about the security cameras and that I will be monitored the entire time, just in case.

“Good.” He states and then purses his lips. “Do you still want me there?”

“Yes. I would appreciate it very much if you could be.” I reply.

“Ok. I can maybe pick you up around noon and we could get lunch before hand, if you want, and then go over to the office together.” He looks down at his hands, unsure of the response I will give. I know he is hoping I’ll say yes, but is obviously apprehensive about the fact that he just asked me out to lunch.

“I’d like that.” I can see his body relax and he smiles with his eyes. He leans his head back on the couch and we return to our silence.

No more than ten minutes later, I begin to hear the familiar sound of Harry’s soft snores coming from his lips. I smile at the memory that those snores would keep me up on some nights. I don’t want to wake him and make him drive home so I ease myself off the couch and grab a pillow and blanket from the guest room and bring it back to him. 

I gently lift his legs and place them on the couch and lay his head down on the pillow. He lightly hums and curls his body up onto his side. I lay the blanket over him and kneel down next to the couch. I sit on my feet and rest my arms on the cushions and just watch him for a few moments as his body goes into a deeper sleep.

He is so painfully beautiful and I remember spending many nights just watching as he slept. Watching as his lips would part and his chest would slowly rise and fall. This was the man that I loved with every ounce of my being. This was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This was the man that I considered my soul mate and maybe still do. But this was also the man that broke my heart.

“I love you, Niall” He murmurs, so softly that it is hard to even make it out. It’s hard for me to decide if he is half asleep and half awake or if he is speaking in his sleep.

I lean over towards him slightly and card my fingers gently through his hair, moving it off of his forehead. I lightly press my lips to the very corner of his mouth and pull away. I slowly stand and head towards my room and to the comfort of my bed.

“Niall…..hey…Ni..babe….wake up” I can hear a voice but I am choosing sleep but the voice doesn’t stop. “Niall…c’mon….wake up” I feel feather light touches on my cheek.

“hmmmm….” Is the only thing I can muster at this early hour; or what I assume is an early hour. I can hear soft laughter and then a hand on my shoulder slightly shaking me back and forth. I decide that this person won’t stop so it’s best that I start to wake my mind and body up.

I squint my eyes at first, adjusting to the light coming into the room and when I finally have one eye for the most part open, I see his dimples and tousled brown hair.

“Morning” I grumble out and begin to stretch my muscles and bring my fingers up to my face to wipe the sleep out of my eyes.

I slowly sit up in bed, placing my back against the headboard and letting a large yawn escape while I stretch my arms above my head. I turn to Harry and take in his appearance and he chuckles when I cock my left eyebrow at him.

“You’re wearing my clothes, Harry.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been up for ages and I just decided that I would shower and then obviously I don’t have any of my clothing so I came in here and got some of yours. Is that ok?”

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine.” I scratch the back of my head, still trying to wake up and come to grips with the fact that Harry is in my clothing. It’s strange but at the same time it’s nice to see. I yawn again, covering my face and then rubbing my eyes. I toss the blankets off of me and stand up from the bed.

“Why don’t you shower and come down stairs. I have breakfast almost ready.” He says with a small smile and then leaves the room without another word.

I do as he suggests and fifteen minutes later I am joining him in my kitchen and sitting down to eat breakfast. Surprising myself that I almost forgot how amazing of a cook Harry is.

“So I have to go see this guy that the label wants to sign. Some A and R rep found him at one of those open mic night things at a local bar and the label wants me to listen to him sing and report back to them about what I think.” He says, making conversation and then takes a bite of the delicious apple pancakes that he made.

“That’s cool. When are you doing that?” I reply and he looks at his watch.

“I have to be at Brickhouse Studios in about forty-five minutes. Do you maybe wanna go with? I mean, if you’re not doing anything else for the next two or three hours.”

“Um….” I think about if I want to go and I guess I wouldn’t mind hanging out with him some more. “Yea. Sure.” He smiles at my response and we continue with our food.

It was around three in the afternoon by the time Harry was pulling back into my driveway to drop me off. We spent the morning and into mid-afternoon at the studio listening and talking to the artist that Harry’s label wants to sign. 

It was cool watching Harry speak with the young guy in the mentoring way that he use to have with Liam, Zayn, Ryan and myself while on the X-Factor. The guy, Aaron; whom advised us he was seventeen, was so clearly hungry for a shot and so eager to soak up anything that Harry would say and also very interested in any advice I had to give as well. 

He was very talented. He could sing extremely well, played the guitar, piano, drums and even mentioned he could play the saxophone. He also wrote his own music. I am not sure why the label didn’t sign him right on the spot but I guess they really do value Harry’s opinion.

Once the car was parked, I removed my seatbelt and looked towards Harry. We sat silent for a few moments before we both started to speak, simultaneously. This caused us both to smile and he told me to go first.

“I had a great time today. Thank you.” He nodded and I continued. “And thank you for last night, too. It was nice to kinda get my mind off things, you know.”

“Yeah. No problem. I’m here whenever you need, yeah? I had a good time with you, too. It’s really nice just being around you, Ni. I miss it.” I softly smiled and lowered my head. 

“Thanks again, Harry. I’ll talk to you later.” I opened the car door and slowly got out. He smiled as I turned to wave at him as I approached my front door.

I placed the key in the lock and before I could push the door open I felt his arms around me. I turned my body to face his and wrapped my arms around his waist and accepted his hug. We stood there for a minute or so, holding each other tight. He placed a kiss on my cheek.

“Bye, Ni”

“Bye, Harry” I stepped into my house and closed the door.

After Harry dropped me off I have been trying to keep myself busy so that I wouldn’t start to overanalyze the time spent with him over the past fifteen or so hours. I was glad that we seemed to be moving towards a friendship again, even though there was still obvious tension and attraction between us. I really did enjoy today and even last night and hopefully our friendship would progress smoothly. I know that I am technically supposed to be figuring out my feelings for Harry but I’m not ready to go there yet. I still crave Ryan and I wish I could still call him my boyfriend.

Another thing that I was trying not to think too much about was the fact that I would get to call Ryan and talk to him for the first time since he left. Tonight I would get to speak to the man that I care deeply for and miss terribly. I was worried that it might be awkward and that maybe he wouldn’t really want to talk to me as much as I wanted to talk to him. Around eight is when I finally sat down on my bed and called him.

“Hello” It feels so great to hear his voice. My entire body relaxes at the sound of him.

“Hi, baby. I miss you” I breathe and try to hold the tears that I feel coming.

“Hi. I miss you, too. How are you?”

“I’m ok, I guess. Still a good deal upset over everything but I am trying really hard to respect your wishes.” I have no reason not to be completely honest with him about my feelings so I speak from the heart and let all that I am feeling be known.

“I’m sorry, Ni. But know that I still really care about you and I wish it was different but honestly I feel that you deserve the time to really figure out what you want and not just right now, because I know you still want us but what you want for the future; long term.” He is just so wise and respectful and mature and reasonable and all amazing qualities rolled into one beautiful six foot tall package.

“I know.” I slightly smile even though he can’t see. “So how was your day?” I ask wanting to get away from the depressing topics.

“It was good. I spent the morning writing and I just left the studio. I’m meeting with some execs from the label who flew in last night. We are going out to dinner tonight to discuss the tour that starts next week.”

“Productive day then, yeah” I reply.

“Yeah. It’s been busy, but that’s good. How about you? What have you been up to?”

“I went out last night with the guys and then today I went with Harry to see this young guy sing for him. I guess Harry’s label wants to sign him but they wanted his opinion first. He was really good. Plays all sorts of instruments, sings really well and writes his own music and lyrics. Very talented kid.”

“That’s cool.” He responded and I was glad that he didn’t seem like he wanted to discuss my possible feelings for Harry. I’m sure he knew that I was not ready to discuss it yet, especially with him. “So have you figured out the Jamie situation yet?” He continued. I sighed, apprehensively. Still a bit nervous about it all.

“Yeah. I spoke with the therapist again and I am meeting Jamie at the therapist’s office on Thursday. I guess there are security cameras in the guy’s office and they will be monitored by him while Jamie and I are in the room talking.”

“That’s good. At least you’ll be safe. I do still worry so if you could call me after that would be great.” I smile. It makes me happy to hear that from him.

“Of course.”

“Also, you should probably take someone with you. I know Harry is probably the best person to go along because of everything but if he can’t be there perhaps Louis, Liam or Zayn could.”

“Actually, Harry did agree to go.”

“Good.” There was a slight pause in the conversation but I didn’t want it to end yet. I still wanted to talk to him.

“You’re leaving for LA tomorrow, right?” Thankfully I thought of more things to discuss.

“Yeah. And then Wednesday I have the first show in Seattle.” And that reminds me of something and I am hesitant to bring it up.

“Um….speaking of shows….I still have…my um…plane ticket out to see you in LA in two weeks. Do you still want me to come and see your show…or….I mean I can cancel it if you don’t want me out there…” and my voice trails off sadly, hoping with everything in me that he stills wants me to visit him.

“I….” He starts but pauses for what seems like forever. “I do wanna see you, Ni but do you think it’s very smart? I don’t want to do anything that would mess up what this whole thing is for. Mess up any feelings that you are discovering…or…just….you know?”

“No. I get it. I do. I just really want to come visit you. Even if I’m only your friend. I miss you and want to see you. But if that’s not what you wan-“

“No.. I do want to see you, too, Ni.” He says cutting me off. “So, if you want to come out here, I’d be happy.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Ok. Good.” I’m happy at this point because in just under two weeks I’ll get to see him again. “I guess I’ll let you go. I am pretty tired and I’m sure you need to get ready for your dinner.”

“Ok. So, I’ll talk to you on Thursday evening?” he asks

“Yeah. I’ll call you before I go to bed. And then maybe I’ll have sexy dreams about you.” I chuckle out.

“You’re so silly, babe.” He laughs. “Have a good night and I’ll talk to you next week.”

“Ok. Bye, Ryan”

“Goodnight, Ni.” I end the call with a smile on my face and place my phone on its charger for the evening. I close my eyes hoping that maybe I’ll have a sexy dream about him tonight.

The boys were coming over today for lunch and just to hang out like we had been planning. I was still on cloud nine from the conversation that I had with Ryan last night and was even more excited at the fact that I was still going out to see him in twelve short days; well I hoped it would be short. Unfortunately, no sexy dreams for me last night; no dream at all for that matter but I was still content none the less and had a good night’s sleep.

Liam, always the punctual one, arrived at the discussed time of twelve. Louis came ten minutes after that, followed by Zayn at twelve-thirty.

“You don’t mind that I invited Harry do you?” Lou asked as we walked towards the fridge to grab a few beers for everyone. Liam and Zayn were in the living room watching a football match on the television.

“Oh. You did.”

“Yeah. Do you mind? I just felt bad because he asked what I was doing today and I told him that he should come and he said that he didn’t want to over step any boundaries but then I told him that you would be fine with it. You are fine with it, right?” He asked with a hopeful face and a beer in each hand.

“Yeah. Of course it’s fine. He shouldn’t be left out. I know that I should have invited him yesterday but I guess maybe I was a little nervous to. I mean I know that I am supposed to be figuring out my feelings and everything but I’m just not ready to do that yet and so I am still trying to figure out how to act and be normal around him, like it was before we even started dating. When we were actually friends.”

“I don’t think you guys were ever really friends without feelings being involved. You two always wanted to be together.” Lou said reminding me of the truth.

“Yeah, I know…but you understand what I mean.” I breathe and he nods. As we walk back to the living room the door bell rings, signaling Harry’s arrival. I place my beer on the coffee table and head towards the door.

“Hey you!” Harry exclaims, putting a smile on my face.

“Hi! How the hell did you get that?” I beamed as I pointed to the six pack of beer that was in his right hand. It was only brewed and served in a brewery that doubled as a bar in Dublin. It was my favorite. He smiled brightly and handed it to me. I gladly accepted it and pulled him in for a hug.

“I called the bar up in Dublin on Thursday and asked them to if they would ship some to me. I had to name drop and say it was for The Niall Horan, Ireland’s own superstar and tell them it was your favorite. They agreed right away and said that anytime you are home, to stop by and you’ll get all the beer you want.” He shrugged off his jacket and placed it on the coat rack and I closed the door; still beaming from the gift.

“Thursday…..um…” I thought about what that could mean. His smile softened.

“Yeah. I…um….thought it would cheer you up…maybe….as soon as I heard what happened from Lou….I called them Thursday morning. And it arrived at my house yesterday while we were at the studio.” I gave him another hug.

“Thanks, Harry.” I whisper and we pull away from one another and join the boys in the living room.

We all pitched in and made quite the feast. It was around three when we finished eating and by four everything was cleaned up and we all plopped down on seats in the living room to just chill after stuffing ourselves entirely too full of food.

“So what’s up with the Jamie situation?” Zayn asked.

“I decided to see him. I’m meeting him on Thursday at his therapist’s office. Harry’s coming with me.”

“You nervous?” Liam adds.

“A little. But from what his therapist was telling me, Jamie has made a complete turnaround. So I should be fine. There are security cameras that will be on us the entire time so if anything does start to escalate, Mr. Brentwood – the therapist, and Harry can get into the room quickly.” I look and see Harry nodding his head, confirming what I just said.

“Call me after, yeah. Just want to make sure you’re good.” Zayn states.

“Me too.” Liam and Louis say at the same time and they each hit each other on the arm because apparently that’s what you do when you say the same thing at the same time. We all chuckle.

“I will.” I assure them.

“Oh yeah.” Zayn begins and we all turn our attention from the t.v. to Zayn. “I’m having a party, just because, the Friday after next. It should be fun. It’s just a get together with some of my old friends from Bradford and some of my cousins and of course you all are expected to be there.” He smirks, giving us all stern glances. Everyone is smiling and saying that they would obviously go but I would be in LA that weekend. I would be in LA with Ryan. This could potentially be awkward and I didn’t want to mention Ryan with Harry being here but the way everyone is looking at me right now, waiting for my confirmation that I will be attending, is forcing me to tell them why I won’t be able to go.

“I..um…won’t be in town, actually. Sorry I’m gonna miss it. I’m sure it will be a good time.” I try to leave it at that but no such luck.

“Where you going?” Harry asked. Of course it had to be Harry who asked that question.

“I’ll be in LA. I’m flying out there on that Friday morning and I’ll be flying back on Monday.” I stop speaking, again hoping that’s enough information for my damn curious friends. But again, more questions.

“For your new album?” Liam asks. I take a drink of my beer; the delicious beer from my home country.

“No. I’m going to spend the um…the weekend with Ry. He has a concert on that Saturday night….and we arranged my tickets out there before the whole….thing…you know….but….I …um…..talked to him last night and we decided that……I would….still go visit him.” I took another drink and out of the corner of my eyes I can see Harry’s head drop slightly.

“That should be fun” Liam says, trying to be as upbeat as possible to ease the building tension in the room.

“Yeah” I reply and finish the last little bit of beer in the bottle.

They all left shortly after that. Harry left first and I didn’t want to think it was because of the fact that I am flying out to the states to spend a weekend with Ryan but I think we all knew it was the reason he left. I’m sure he didn’t want to dampen the mood of the room anymore. 

Before he left, we confirmed that he would pick me up on Thursday at noon for lunch. Zayn departed next, followed by Liam and lastly Louis. I cleaned up the living room; placing the empty beer bottles in the recycling and all but crawled into bed.

Thursday came entirely too fast. It’s a good thing and sort of bad thing. Good because since this week is flying by, it means I only have another week before I get to fly out to the states and see Ryan. I also get to talk to Ryan tonight. 

I’ve shown great resolve in not calling or texting him between when we last spoke on Saturday and now. It was very difficult because I constantly want to tell him about my day and ask how he is doing and how the shows are going. I can admit to looking at some of his performances on YouTube. Some fans record and upload it and curiosity got the best of me one night and I might have watched a video or five.

I still miss him but it is getting slightly easier day by day. 

The bad thing about it being Thursday already is obviously because in about two and a half hours I’ll be coming face to face with Jamie after just about four and a half years. 

I guess it’s not all a bad thing because I am very curious to see how he has been doing and see this change that his therapist states that he made. I hope that I can see the sweet Jamie that I had love for. I know that time in my life dating him was something no one should have to go through and I am upset with myself that I didn’t end the relationship when I first noticed a problem. At the same time, however, the whole ordeal made me a stronger person. Since I stayed I did get to have more time with and get to know the sweet and kind qualities that Jamie has. It may have also been a good thing for him too. What I mean by that is because of how our relationship played out, in the end he was taken away and got the help that he very desperately needed. Of course it was in the form of incarceration but help was still provided.

“You ready?” Harry asks as I greet him at my front door. He is of course right on time; here at twelve noon.

“No” I say with a smirk and he smiles. I lead him into my living room and finish getting ready.

I pull my jacket on slowly and pause for a second to take a few deep breaths. Harry places his hands on my shoulders immediately.

“Hey. It will be ok. I get that you are nervous and you have every right to be but I will be right in the next room watching so if he makes any kind of movement toward you in an unfriendly way, I’ll be in there faster than you can even ask for help. He won’t hurt you again. I promise. Ok?” I don’t say anything. I am facing the floor with my eyes closed. I feel him lift my chin with his finger.

“Ok?” He asks again and I finally open my eyes to look into his. I nod. “Ok. Good. Let’s go get some lunch, shall we?” I lightly smiled and we exited the house and got into his car.

I didn’t really know what happened at the restaurant. My mind wasn’t really there. I was going through the motions of eating but I don’t think I actually tasted anything. Harry was trying to keep the conversation going to hold my mind busy from over thinking and worrying about what was happening all too soon. I am very thankful to him for doing that and I tried to stay up with the dialogue but I don’t think I knew what I was saying nor do I even remember any of it.

We walked hesitantly into the large office building and towards the elevators. I looked at the office directory and saw Mr. Brentwood’s practice listed. Sixth floor, suite six hundred. Harry and I stepped into the elevator car and the doors closed. I timidly pressed the button for floor six and then stepped back next to Harry’s side. He smiled down at me and then took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“You can back out now if you want to. It’s ok. You don’t have to do this if you don’t wish to.” He spoke softly. I half smiled.

“No. I need to. It’ll be ok. I’ll be ok.”

“Yes, you will” He breathed and then leaned down and placed a kiss on the side of my head. I leaned into his touch and stayed there until the doors opened on the sixth floor.

Once we located the suite we entered and were greeted by an overly bubbly receptionist. In this situation I didn’t want someone speaking to me in an overly sweet, cheerful voice. I wanted monotone. She stuttered a little at first at the sight of two fairly well known individuals walking into her place of employment and she stared just a little bit but it was only moments later that she returned to her professional, overly-cheery demeanor.

“I’m Niall Horan. Mr. Brentwood is expecting me.”

“Yes. Hello, Mr. Horan. I’ll let him know you are here. You both can have a seat and Mr. Brentwood will be right out.”

“Thank you” I replied and Harry placed his hand on my back and led me over to the plush chairs in the waiting area. We sat side by side while Harry held onto my hand the entire time.

There was something about the atmosphere in this office that got to me. Like this inexplicable feeling that caused my chest to tighten. Call it nerves or anxiety or whatever you want but I think I could sense that Jamie was close. I could sense that Jamie was also in the office somewhere and it was weighing heavy on me. Five minutes later the door to the back opened and Mr. Brentwood stood in the opening with a small smile.

“Niall.” He greets with a hand shake and then turns to Harry. “Hello. I’m Mr. Brentwood.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Brentwood. I’m Harry.” Harry shook his hand and Mr. Brentwood nodded.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, Harry. You will be with me in the security room watching the monitors but like I’ve said, I don’t see there being any issue with your safety, Niall.”

“You’ll excuse me if I’m not so certain about that. I know everything that happened and saw the aftermath of when it ended and was there throughout the entire stalking ordeal.” Harry replies somewhat sternly. Mr. Brentwood half smiles and nods.

“I understand your trepidation, Harry. But I assure you that Niall will be one hundred percent safe. You’ll be able to watch the entire thing. We won’t be able to hear what is being said but I don’t necessarily feel that we should.” He then turns to me. “You and Jamie need privacy to clear the air and even though we will be able to see what is going on, I think it is a good thing that we won’t be able to hear you.” I nod in reply and agree that maybe it is a good thing. We can each speak freely without having to worry about what anyone thinks.

“So, Jamie is already in the room that you will be meeting him in. I walk you to the door than Harry and I will enter the security room. Once we are inside the room, you may enter the room with Jamie. This is a good thing that you are doing, Niall.” He assures me. “This won’t only benefit Jamie. I think that you will find some peace that you may not have known you were searching for after all of this is over.” He smiles. “Are you ready?” I take a deep breath.

“Yes. I’m ready” I’m ready as I’ll ever be. Harry and I walk through the door and back toward his therapy offices. There are about five doors in total that I can see. We stop in front of a door and I know immediately that Jamie is on the other side of it. I close my eyes and take a few relaxing breaths. Harry pulls me into a hug and places a few kisses on the side of my neck and finally one on my cheek. He then pulls away and I smile at him.

“Thanks” I whisper.

“We’ll be just there.” Mr. Brentwood says and point to the door directly next to the room I am about to go into. I nod and watch as they enter the security room. Harry pauses at the door and looks at me for a few moments. He presses his fingers to his lips and then softly motions to me. I turn up the left side of my lips in a barely there smile. He then steps fully into the room with Mr. Brentwood and their door closes.

I slowly turn to face the closed door. I know I need to turn the knob but for some reason my motor skills aren’t working at this present moment. I stand there for about a minute, willing myself to open the door. 

I finally get my hand on the knob and gradually turn in a painfully slow manner. I, as quietly as I could, push the door open and warily step into the room. And that is when I see him.

His back is to me and he is looking out the window. I survey the room very quickly. There is a large and wide bookshelf, two brown leather sofas, a leather office chair, a few end tables and some green plants scattered around. The walls are a calming taupe color and there are a few paintings of soothing beach scenes on the walls. It is what I imagine most therapists’ offices to look like.

I take notice in the far right corner of the room, attached to the ceiling a small mechanical device. I can only assume that that is the camera. I make sure to slightly nod in that direction, silently telling Harry that I’m ok.

I fully step into the room and close the door. It is at that time that the sound of the door closing causes Jamie to slowly turn to face me; his body language suggesting that he is as nervous as I am. 

We stand frozen, both intensely looking into each other’s eyes. I am still at the door and he is still across the room. Neither one of us has made any effort to move closer. I can see his breathing has increased and his chest is rising and falling in a slightly elevated succession. 

I can’t help but notice that he is more handsome than I remember. I don’t feel as though it is wrong for me to be thinking this way. I’ve always found Jamie to be a very attractive guy and looking at him now, the years – although I’m sure have been filled with stress – have done him well.

He seems taller for some reason and his muscles are much more heavily defined. That is clear to see even through the plain white tee shirt and dark blue jeans that he is wearing.

I can see his eyes start to soften and a gloss begins to coat them, signaling that the tears are building. I can feel the pressure and heat behind my eyes as well so I am sure that he can tell I am on the verge of tears, like him. And I don’t know why I would be tearful at this particular moment. I don’t know why I would be crying over the man before me. The man that hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me before. But I can tell that the man that I am looking at right now is not the man that I had to deal with in the past.

Calm washes over me and I feel secure. I know the man in front of me won’t cause me any harm. I watch as he blinks and a single tear falls from his right eye. He lets it roll down his cheek, not bothering to wipe it away. I finally make the first move and take one step closer to him.

“Hi, Jamie” I shakily say with a small smile. He takes a small step forward and I take another. 

“Ni.” He mutters and we continue to slowly step towards one another and moments later we are only about a foot apart. We pause, clearly both of us trying to slow our breathing down a bit.

I know he won’t make the first move and I am so nervous at this moment but I know what he needs and I know what I want and that is to hold him.

I slowly raise my left hand, skimming it over his arm and up towards his shoulder. I can see him shiver at my touch and he makes a move and places his right hand on my hip. I bring my other arm up towards him and very slowly wrap my arms around his neck, while he hesitantly pulls me in closer by wrapping his arms around my waist.

After a few moments, I tighten my grip on him and hide my face into the crook of his neck. I feel a choked sob come from his lips which are now pressed onto the side of my neck. And we stood there. And stood there. Time didn’t exist in those moments. We could have held each other for two minutes or two hours, I had no clue. What I did know was that I didn’t want to let go. I felt his tears running down my neck and I just held him. And in that time, for me, all was forgiven.

He was the first to slowly pull away but we still remained in each other’s embrace. He released one of his hands from my waist and rested it on the side of my face and used the pad of his thumb to brush away the wetness from under my eye. I smiled at him and then looked at the sofa we were standing next to. He nodded, silently telling me that he understood and we lowered our bodies to a seating position onto the cushions.

Our hands were held together, as our bodies were turned in towards one another.

“I didn’t think I would ever get the chance to look into those blue eyes again. I’ve dreamt about them many nights but never in a million years did I think they would be looking back at me once more.” I smiled at him. “How are you?” He asks.

“I’m good. I’m ok. How are you?”

“I’m just….I don’t know…at a loss for words really. Overwhelmed. I mean….you’re here..in front of me….and this is all just like a dream….like I’ll wake up in my bed any minute.” He lightly ran his thumb over the back of my hand. I remove one of my hands from his and bring it up to caress his face.

“This is real, Jamie. I’m here. It’s really good to see you.” I drop my hand again and put it on top of his.

“It’s so great to see you, too.” We smiled at one another and the conversation halted for a few moments. 

“Niall, I am so sorry-“

“Jamie, it’s ok-“

“No. Please just let me talk.” He asks and I nod. “I am so sorry for everything that I put you through. I’m sorry I caused so much physical and emotional pain during what was supposed to be the happiest time in your life. I caused you more stress than you needed. You had so much going on and instead of being there for you like the perfect boyfriend that you deserved, I took the joyous moments and turned them dark. 

“I know that I can’t take it back and I regret that every day but I just want you to know that I will spend forever apologizing to you and doing whatever it takes to make it right. I was so angry with you at first. I was angry because I loved you so much, more than I have ever loved anyone else and I knew that you didn’t love me the same and it brought back all of these dark feelings that I couldn’t suppress no matter how hard I tried, and I did really try. But eventually it was just easier to let the dark in than push it away and you paid the price for that and I am so sorry. 

“Over the past four years I have made peace with a lot of things. I’ve made peace with my troublesome teen years. I’ve made peace with my parents’ passing; which I don’t think I fully got over until recently. I’ve made peace with all of the poor choices that I made but the one thing that I needed in order to move on was to see you. You have no idea how much this means to me that you were willing to see me. I know I certainly don’t deserve your kindness after everything that I put your through but I am eternally grateful for it. I am so sorry for everything, Niall. You meant everything to me and I ruined that. I see that what we had could have been something great. Who knows if it would have lasted but if I hadn’t did what I did, at least we would have had a fair chance at giving it a proper go.

“But I have leant that I can’t live in the past. I know that you and I can’t ever be together again, no matter how many times over the past four years that I have wished it and that’s ok. I need to move on and from what I’ve read of your career, you are where I always knew you would be. I still have love for you, Niall. I always will. You are not an easy person to get over. But I am ready to move on and begin my life anew. So I guess what I am asking is if you could truly forgive me for what I did.” He took a deep breath and waited with hopeful eyes.

“Jamie” I softly spoke and brought my hand up and ran my fingers through his hair and down the side of his face and took his hand in mine again. “You had my forgiveness the night you were taken away. I may not have forgotten everything that went on and to be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever forget but you were forgiven. You held and still hold such a significant part of my life and I believe that we did really have some great times together and those memories were never erased nor would I want them to be.

“I forgive you of the abuse and I want you to be able to move on. I want you to get everything that you wish out of life. I want you to be able to find that person that makes you as happy as you deserve and I know you can give someone else happiness. I know you have a big heart and even though it was a damaged one when we were together and you did some things that I’m sure you’ll regret, I do honestly forgive you. I think you need to forgive yourself.” I finish.

“I’m working towards that. Truly. But I couldn’t really begin that process until I had your forgiveness. I am so grateful that you agreed to see me, Niall. This really means the world to me. Thank you so much.” I pulled him in for a hug and we held each other and the minutes passed.

“So, Mr. Famous Musician, how’s the popstar life treating you?” he smirked and I laughed. 

Our conversation continued. We talked about my career and what his plans are which he really isn’t too sure of at this time. It was nice and it was like talking to an old friend. I don’t know how much involvement that we can really have in each other’s live going forward but it is now at a place where if we passed each other on the street we would be able to smile fondly at one another or say a quick hello and continue on our way. I think that is something that we both realized.

“So after I got released, I was obviously curious about you and might have looked up what you have been up to.” I smiled. I wasn’t bothered by that. My name is out there for anyone to find even if you don’t go looking for it. “You and Harry Styles, huh.” He raised his eyebrows and I chuckled.

“Yeah. We actually started dating while the show was going on, although the public thinks it was after the show ended. For obvious reason, of course.”

“Of course” he nodded.

“We were together for three years and toward the end it just stopped working.” I shrugged. “But we are now trying to get back to a friendship. Maybe there is something else there but I guess only time will tell.”

“I saw that you are dating someone else, now. Another musician. You like those singers, huh. Guess I went into the wrong profession.” He joked and I bumped his shoulder but laughed.

“Yeah. Ryan Chandler. He was actually on the show with me. Harry mentored him as well. We started dating last October.” My voice lowered at the thought of Ryan and me no longer boyfriends and it was hard for me to hide my sadness.

“Hey….you ok?” He whispered.

“Yeah…it’s just that he ended things with me a little over a week ago.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Why? If you don’t mind me asking?” He softly rubbed just above my knee.

“I still might have feelings for Harry…well, I’m sure I do. I mean, Harry and I will always have a connection and an attraction towards one another but I was so happy with Ryan and still want to be with him, but I understand that it’s not fair for anyone involved if I am still feeling things for Harry and Harry is still very vocal about wanting to be with me.”

“I always kind of figured there was something between the two of you and it made me crazy, obviously.” He smirked. “That damned Harry. Always causing problems for your relationships.” He joked and I laughed along with him. “Well, it will work out how it is supposed to and you’ll end up with the person that you were meant to be with. Trust that.” He then looked at his watch and sighed.

“I guess we should say goodbye.” He said sadly.

“Or we can say see you later.” I replied and he smiled.

“I would love that.” We stood up and hugged again. I walked over to the a desk that was in the corner of the room and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and jotted down my number and walked back over to Jamie and handed it to him. He took it in his fingers and smiled.

“Just call me or text me sometime, yeah.” I suggested.

“Sure.” We hugged once more and pulled away to look at one another. Our arms were still wrapped tightly around each other and we gazed into one another’s eyes. I would be lying if I said that I had no urge to kiss him right now and by the way he is looking at me he is feeling the same.

“You’re even more gorgeous than I remember, Ni.”

“And you’re as handsome as ever.” I can feel our faces getting close. Many thoughts are running through my head right now. The first is that my first kiss since Ryan broke up with me will be with Jamie of all people and not Harry. The second is that I am surprised by the fact that I am ok with that. And lastly, I am well aware that Harry is watching all of this and I feel bad for that but I can’t help this feeling surging through my veins right now. I want to feel Jamie’s lips on mine.

“Are you sure?” The words leave his lips in a breathy tone and we are so close that I can just barely feel the skin of his lower lip on mine. I softly bite my lip in response and slowly press my lips against his.

He tilts his head as our lips move together in unison. His arms tighten around me and one of his hands travels up my back and rests on the back of my neck at the base of my hair line. I card my fingers through the hair on the back of his head and my lips slightly part with a soft moan. Our kiss deepens with the addition of our tongues.

It is a great kiss. Jamie was always a great kisser but other than the feeling of his lips on mine, there was nothing else there. Jamie slowly retracts his tongue and the pace of the kiss slows. Our lips pull apart for a second before they are brought back together for a moment and then separated again; finally putting an end to the kiss. We both smile and rest our foreheads against each other.

“There was nothing there for you, was there?” He asks and then pulls our head apart and runs the pad of his thumb across my lower lip.

“No.” I breathe and he smiles.

“Me neither.” He replies. “Closure” he sings out and we both begin to laugh. I pull him in for another hug and kiss his cheek before pulling away.

“I was instructed to stay in here. Mr. Brentwood wants to talk about my feelings.” He chuckles and rolls his eyes. We walk towards the door. I place another small kiss on his lips.

“I’ll see ya, Jamie.” I say and place my hand on his cheek. He leans into my touch and places his hand on top of mine, then held it, pulling it away from his cheek. He turns his face inward and places a kiss in the palm of my hand.

“See ya, Niall.” he opens the door for me and I step out and watch as he closes the door. I lean against the wall opposite of the office door and wait for Mr. Brentwood and Harry to leave the security office.

Harry steps out first and I can see the hurt in his eyes. Mr. Brentwood is directly behind him and speaks to me first while Harry stays completely silent, not even looking at me.

“I trust it went well.”

“Yes. It was a good thing and I’m glad I did it. You are right. The Jamie in that room is not the same Jamie that did all of those hurtful things to me. And I really think that he got the closure he was seeking and it made it more real for me as well. Thank you for reaching out to me.” I hold out my hand for him to shake and he gladly accepts it.

“Thank you, Niall. I know that it couldn’t have been easy but you really did a great thing for him, and possibly yourself.” He smiles and I nod. “I have to go speak with him now, so if you’ll excuse me. It was a pleasure meeting you, both.” Harry shakes his hand both doesn’t say anything. I place my hand on Harry’s elbow and lead him out of the office and towards the elevator. He still hasn’t looked at me.

Once the doors on the elevator car close he takes a massively large breath; probably inhaling until his lungs burn. He finally looks at me and a tear fall from his eye. I am then pushed up against the wall and held tightly in his arms.

“I didn’t ever want to see that again, Niall. That hurt. You kissed him, baby. You kissed him and you won’t even kiss me.” He is crying a little more now and I caress his back trying to calm him down as much as I can. The doors open and he pulls away and we walk to his car, not saying another word.

It was completely silent in the car back to my house and once we arrive, I invite him in. I can see all of the energy is drained from his body and I know he needs rest. I lead him to my room and help him out of his jacket, shirt and jeans. I lay him down and pull the covers over his body. He is whimpering slightly and I know he needs me right now and I can’t deny him of that. I know how difficult it must have been for him to watch me kiss Jamie and I feel bad that he is hurting. I slip out of my clothing and get under the covers with him and pull him close to my body. He wraps his arms over my waist and rests his head on my chest.

“Why, Niall” He whispers through his tears and I hold him tighter.

“Because there are no feelings there, Harry. I knew I could kiss him without feeling anything. I can’t do that with you. I’m scared of my feelings for you. I’m just really scared, Harry.” I kiss the top of his head and he nods and places a kiss on my chest. He hooks his leg over my things and takes in a deep relaxing breath and in a few minutes we are both asleep.

My eyes open slowly. Harry is still clinging to my body as if his life depended on it. I turn my head to look at the clock. It’s just shy of eight and the moon is full and shining light into my room. I need to get up. My bladder is screaming to be emptied and my stomach is yelling to be filled. I don’t want to wake him, knowing he probably needs all the rest he can get, so I gently and very slowly lift his arm from my chest while I slide out from under his grasp.

His head lands gently on the mattress and I place his arm down next to him. He shuffles slightly and that allows me to place a pillow underneath head. He mumbles something as I stand up from the bed but it was like gibberish and couldn’t be understood.

I stand at the side of the bed and watch him for a few moments. I’m almost tempted to run my fingers down over his face and along the skin of his exposed back but I refrain; not wanting to take the chance of waking him up. He is so beautiful and I know in that moment of watching his lips part to release a soft breath that this thing between us isn’t over and it probably never was. My feelings for him never went away but I pushed them to the back of my mind and developed strong feelings for someone else.

I tip toe out of the room and to the guest bathroom on the main floor. I then take to the kitchen to see what I can make for a late dinner. I decide on spaghetti. It’s easy enough and will be done relatively quickly.

While I am cooking, my mind races with many thoughts. Harry and I have such a strong history and loved each other so deeply. I know he is still in love with me and I have so much love for him but I’m still not sure if I am in love with him like I once was. 

I am now allowing myself to fully admit that the feelings for Harry are still there after all this time and I know I need to do as Ryan asked and figure out what those feelings mean but like I told Harry last night; I’m scared to.

I scared because if I explore these feelings I could end up wanting to be with Harry again and that would mean having to give up Ryan and I’m not ready to do that. I still want to be with him regardless of my feelings for Harry. Ryan was there for me and supported me throughout the entire ordeal with Harry and never once took advantage of my vulnerability. I was the one to make the first move on him and even then he repeatedly asked if I was sure.

I care so deeply for Ryan but I understand that it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to stay with him while I have feelings for someone else. But I am still very much looking forward to being in his arms again next week when I go over to visit him in the states.

A half hour later the food is ready and I set the table for Harry and me. I place the garlic bread in the center and scoop generous portions of the pasta on each plate. I fill a glass for each of us with ice water and then stand back and look at what I’ve just done. I sigh and shake my head thinking that I am a couple drippy candles with a soft glow from the flames away from this being a romantic date. I push the thoughts away and head back upstairs to my room to wake Harry.

I push the bedroom door open and softly walk towards the bed. I sit next to him and smile at the soft snores that are leaving his lips.

“Harry” I whisper and lightly rub his shoulder. He moves slightly but then curls back into himself. I quietly chuckle.

“Harry” I lean a little closer to his ear. 

“hmmmm” His eyes start to flutter

“Time to wake up. I cooked us dinner.” I gently brushed the hair off of his forehead. It was at this time that he rolled over onto his back.

“Niall?” He mumbled and brought his hands up to rub his eyes.

“Yes and I’m hungry. So get up so we can eat.” He squinted his eyes open and smiled at me hovering above him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me down onto him.

“I just want to cuddle.” He sulked and placed a kiss on my collar bone.

“Eat now. Cuddle later.” I replied and used my hands to push up from his grip.

“Promise?” His eyes fully opened now. I smiled.

“Promise. Now get up. You can grab some sweats from the drawer and I’ll meet you down stairs.” I got up and left the room. 

“Awe. You did this for me?” He smiled as he saw the kitchen table all set up with food. I was sitting in my chair at the table and laughed.

“No. I did this for me because I was hungry. And you’re here so you are just benefiting from my hunger.” I smirked and he rolled his eyes and took his seat

After dinner, as I promised, we were back in bed. It was just about ten and even though I slept for about four hours after getting back home, I was exhausted.

“Oh, shoot. I have to call the guys.” I said remembering that I told Liam, Zayn and Louis I would call them after the meeting with Jamie. I also wanted to call Ryan but I wasn’t going to mention that. “I’ll just go to the living room to call them so that you can sleep.”

“I’m sure they can wait until tomorrow, Ni. Let’s just go to sleep.” He wrapped his arms around me to ensure that I wouldn’t be able to get up from the bed.

“No, I think I should really call them.”

“Niall, it’s fine. You know they won’t care.” I was certainly not going to win this argument, so I had to come clean.

“Harry, I have to call Ryan.” I look apologetically in his eyes and they soften and so does his grip around my waist. I stand up from the bed and leave the room with my phone in my hand. I shut the door behind me and walk downstairs to sit on the sofa. 

“Hey, Ni.” Ryan speaks and I smile.

“Hi. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. How did today go?” He asks, getting right to the point.

“I wanna hear how your week has been so far? You’re in Florida, right?” I reply.

“Yeah. I’m in Orlando and my week has been good. Busy but good. Haven’t had much time to myself because of writing in any studio management can find and then the shows and all that. But, yeah. It’s been alright. I’ve just finished sound check for the show tonight, so I’m just hanging around back stage in the dressing room, eating dinner right now.”

“I just had dinner, too. Kind of late, I know. But once I got back to the house, I just fell asleep and woke up around eight. I’m just about to go to bed again, though. I just wanted to call you like we planned.”

“I’m glad you did. It’s good to hear from you. So, how was it?”

“It was ok, actually. Jamie really apologized and I forgave him and I can tell he isn’t the same person he once was.”

“That’s good. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous all day about it and was seriously like ten minutes away from calling you cause I hadn’t heard from you yet, so I got a little worried.”

“Awe, babe. That’s so sweet. But I was fine.” I smiled and I could tell he was smiling as well.

“So, anything new with..you know…the Harry situation?” I sighed at his question. I didn’t really want to talk about Harry during one of the few times I get to talk with Ryan.

“I don’t know. He came with me today, as you know and……” I didn’t know whether I should tell him about me kissing Jamie and Harry watching but I could never lie or hold anything from Ryan so I continued. “and well…Harry was in the security room with the therapist watching Jamie and me over the security camera and Jamie and I …… please don’t be upset…..but Jamie and I kissed…… liked kissed, kissed and Harry obviously saw that and he was completely devastated and came back to my place after and we both fell asleep and woke up and had dinner and he is still here and is gonna stay the night.” I finished with the story and waited. It stayed silent for a few moments before he spoke up.

“Ok. That was actually hard for me to hear.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry”

“No. Don’t be sorry. You have no reason to be sorry. I know this is what I suggested. Although I suggested you kiss Harry not Jamie. But that’s beside the point because you are free to kiss anyone you want. I guess I am just surprised that you kissed Jamie.”

“I know and I certainly didn’t plan on it but it was like a closure thing and I was just as surprised with the thought that my first kiss after you would be with Jamie and not Harry.”

“You still haven’t kissed Harry yet?” He asked softly.

“No. I’m just not ready to. I’m scared, Ry. I want to be with you but I’m scared that if I do finally kiss Harry that my feelings for you will change and I don’t want that.”

“Niall you can’t do that to yourself. Don’t be afraid of what might happen. Also, as I have said, it’s not fair for anyone involved. You have to be honest with yourself.” I sigh because I know he is right.

“I know. And I know that I do obviously have some feelings for him but I have feelings for you, too and I don’t want that to end. I just want to see you again, baby and be held by you and kiss you and….I just miss you, is all.” I am then startled slightly by a sharp intake of breath behind me. I turn around to see Harry with tears forming in his eyes. He obviously just overheard what I just said. He turns around and walks back up the stairs.

“Ry, I have to go.” I sigh

“Are you ok?”

“Harry just heard what I said to you.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“But I miss you, babe and I’m so excited I get to see you next week.”

“I miss you too and I’m happy you’ll be here as well. Have a good night, Ni. I’ll talk to you soon”

“I’ll try. Have a good show. Bye, Ry.”

“Thanks. Good night, Niall.” I end the call and drop my head in my hands. I know I have to head up stairs right now and I’m not quite sure what state I’ll find Harry in, so I’m nervous.

I push back the door and see Harry putting his clothing on and tears are falling from his eyes. I walk up to him and take hold of his wrist.

“Harry, you don’t have to leave.”

“Yes, I do.” He pulls on his shirt and picks up his socks. He sits on the bed to put them on. I kneel down in front of him and take the socks from his fingers and place my hands on his knees. He drops his head.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Niall. I know that you still want to be with Ryan. I know it’s not me that you want anymore and I have to come to terms with that but I don’t think that I ever will.” He brushes a few tears from his face.

“Yes, I still want to be with Ryan but Harry, I have feelings for you. I’ve always had feelings for you but I’ve pushed them away because I was so happy with Ryan. I’m sorry this is all so painful for you and I know you are hurting and I don’t ever want you to be hurt. I just need to figure out what I want and I’m sorry that you are waiting for me to figure it out. You don’t have to. You should move on, Harry. You should be happy. You deserve happiness.” I drop my head and rest it on his knees.

I feel his hands run through my hair and then they wrap around my arms. He lifts me up from the floor and pulls me onto him; so I am straddling his lap. Our breathing intensifies and he grips my hips tightly while I hold onto his shoulders.

“You are my happiness, Niall. I can’t be happy without you. I want you and I will want you forever and I’m going to fight for you and do everything I can to show you how much I love you and that you should be with me. Baby, it’s you and me. It will always be you and me.” I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his.

He runs his hands around the back of me and pulls me closer to him. I feel his hands slide up under my shirt and caress my back, leaving goose bumps up my spine. I feel the fabric being lifted and once it gets to the top of my back, I hesitantly lift my arms and allow for him to remove the material from my body.

I watch as his eyes travel over my chest and he leans down and places feather light kisses all along the base of my neck. With one of his hands, he reaches around to the back of his neck and grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls it over his head and from his body in one smooth motion. He then returns his lips to my neck.

He starts to lie back as I take hold of either side of his head, guiding his face to place kisses on certain spots on my skin. 

We are now lying in the bed, me on top of him and my head pressed into the mattress next to the crook of his neck. I am trying to soften the sound of the moan that is escaping my lips. He gently lifts his pelvis to apply pressure to mine. This action causes me to lightly bite down on the area between his shoulder and neck. That causes him to moan and buck his hips up again.

This is escalating too quickly and I need to stop before we can go any further. I want this but at the same time I don’t want it nor am I ready for it. 

I feel his lips leave a trail of kisses up over my shoulder, up the side of my neck and then his hands travel up my back and grab onto the hair on the back of my head. He pulls my face up to meet his.

“Kiss me, Niall” He pleads in a hushed tone. “Kiss me, please” He speaks softly in my ear and starts to kiss along my jaw getting closer and closer to my lips with each kiss. “I love you”

“I can’t Harry. We can’t” His kisses don’t stop.

“Yes, baby. Please kiss me.” He breaths out and I moan as I feel his teeth slightly nip along the skin of my jaw.

“I can’t Harry. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop.”

“Then we won’t stop.” His lips are now just at the corner of mine and he pauses.

“I can’t Harry, please. Not now.” I turn my face to the side and rest it against the side of his face. “I’m so sorry, Harry” I whisper into his ear. “Can we just go to sleep, please?”

“Sure” he softly sighs and I swing my leg over him to remove myself from straddling his waist. I crawl up to the top of the bed and scoot under the covers. I hold the blankets up for him to slide under and he does. He lies down on his back and I rest my head on his chest. His arm is wrapped around me and his hand is lightly rubbing my back. I drape my arm across his stomach and he places a kiss on the top of my head.

“Goodnight, Harry.” 

“Night, Ni.”

I wake up the next morning to an empty bed and a heavy heart.

The next few days and into Monday were very uneventful. I did absolutely nothing. I spoke with Liam and Zayn about what happened with Jamie, as promised and I talked to Louis about it as well. Also adding in what happened with Harry and me into our conversation.

Louis was sympathetic to me but also to his best friend. At the end of the day his loyalties were to Harry and I understood that and accepted without argument when he said things to the effect that I should just be back with Harry, already.

Harry and I haven’t spoken since Thursday night right before we went to bed for the second time. Again, I woke up on Friday morning alone in my bed with no explanation, not that Harry needed to provide me one nor did I really deserve one. I know what I am doing is hurting Harry. I don’t want to do that but I can’t help it. I am so confused. Why do I still want to be with Ryan when I am openly admitting, finally, that I have feelings for Harry? Why, when I was in Harry’s arms last night, would my mind drift to off and think about being in Ryan’s arms instead?

Maybe when I see Ryan again in a few days all of this will become clear. Hopefully I‘ll see him and know without a doubt that I want him. Or maybe without a doubt I’ll want Harry.

It was now Thursday night and I was packing for my trip. I already spoke to Ryan and I am a bundle of nerves right now. I just want to see him so badly. I miss him terribly but also maybe this trip will provide much needed clarity.

Tuesday and Wednesday I spent in the studio. I finally finished recording all of the songs and we made the selection of what songs were going to be on my album. Over the next few weeks, we will be finalizing all of the recordings and choosing the single to come out with first. I’m really excited about that, and I am trying to focus all of my attention into that project instead of driving myself crazy with the ‘who do I want to be with’ drama.

I folded up the last of my shirts that I am taking and placed them into the suitcase. Just as I was pulling the zipper closed, the door bell rang. I cocked my eyebrow, puzzled as to who could be here as I was not expecting anyone. As I walk down the stairs I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know without having to even open the door that it is Harry. I pause over the door knob and take a deep breath. My suspicions are confirmed when I open the door to a seemingly emotionless Harry.

“Hey” He says and then steps inside and around me and walks towards the living room. I still haven’t said anything to him because this is all going too fast for me to even catch up and process what is going on. I finally close the door and walk towards Harry.

When I get back to the living room, I see him pacing back and forth.

“Harry, what’s the matter? What are you doing here? I haven’t heard from you all week.” He pauses and slowly turns to face me.

“I had to see you before you left.” He simply replies.

“Oh, ok.” I shrug because I don’t mind. I guess it’s nice to see him before I leave. “Do you want something to drink? I was just finishing up my packing but there isn’t much left so I can take a little break.”

“No. I don’t want a drink” He says sharply and I am slightly taken back. He quickly walks over to me and wraps his arms around my waist and hold tightly. I, instinctively, move my arms so they are around his neck; hugging him but not as tightly.

“Hey….what’s the matter?” I ask.

“Can we just sit down for a minute?” He responds and then releases his grip from me.

“Yeah, of course” I take the few steps over to the couch and sit down. He has yet to move from the spot he was standing.

“Harry?” I question. He slowly turns and stops right in front of me on the couch. I look up at him with furrowed brows because he is acting strange. “You’re acting weird, Harry. What’s the mat-“ I am cut off when he quickly places himself on top of me, straddling my hips. His arms wrap around the back of the couch on either side of me and he buries his head into the crook of my neck. I grab his hips, startled by his actions.

“Harry, what are you doing?” I can feel his breath hitting the sensitive skin on the side of my neck. “Harry.” I say his name again, looking for an explanation.

“I need you to kiss me, Ni. You need to kiss me before you leave. You have to kiss me. I can’t wait anymore. I need to feel your lips, baby.” He is ghosting his mouth over my ears as the breath released from his speaking is sending chills up my spine.

I try pushing his body away from me so that I can look at his face. He puts up a little resistance but eventually leans back slightly. I finally look into his eyes.

“Harry, please no. I can’t.”

“Yes you can. You’re just too afraid. Just stop being afraid, Niall and kiss me.” I feel his hips push slightly onto mine and he rolls his pelvis at the same time, creating friction that I can’t help but moan from. I close my eyes and drop my head back to rest it on the back of the couch. He rolls his hips on me again and then dips his head and begins to place his lips hungrily all over my neck.

“I’m not going to stop this time, baby.” He whispers and his lips are trailing up my jaw. My breathing increases and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like this.

Closer, closer, closer. With each kiss he is getting closer and closer to my lips.

“Harry” I lightly breathe and run my hands around his back. I want to stop this but at the same time I don’t. My head is completely foggy and the only thought that I can make out is that I want this, I want him.

His fingertips trace down my arms and he takes my hands in his; interlocking our fingers. He then brings our hands up and pins them down on either side of my head.

“I’m going to kiss you now, babe.” He softly speaks and kisses his way over my cheek but pauses when he gets to my lips. I wait a few moments for him but he still hasn’t made a move. I slowly open my eyes and see him staring intensely into mine. His pupils very much dilated.

“You can tell me to stop. You know I would never force you.” He whispered, contradicting his statement before when he said he wouldn’t stop. I smiled internally and took a deep breath. I slowly licked my lips in preparation and then closed my eyes once more.

“Kiss me” I whispered and then felt his lips on mine not a second later.

There they were. There were the feelings. Everything being released from my body as our lips moved in sync. I wanted to think about what this all meant. I wanted to think about Ryan. I wanted to think about who I wanted. I wanted to do many things in this moment but I couldn’t. The sensation of his lips on mine was blocking every single thought from crossing my mind; not allowing me to be anywhere else but right here in this moment with Harry.

He released my hands and I quickly wrapped them around the top of his backside and pulled him closer into me. His hands carded into my hair and pulled slightly. I tilted my head and opened my mouth slightly so that the kiss could deepen.

He moaned and joined his tongue with mine. I sat up a little and twisted my body to the side, all while still holding him tightly. I began to ease our connected bodies down on the couch. My body hovering over his when we were finally laying down. 

He bent his knees up and I was able to slide myself between them, pushing my hips into him. He was writhing in pleasure underneath me and the feeling of that instantly caused my arousal. I grinded down on him once more; feeling his very hard member against mine.

A second later his hands ran up the back of my shirt and he pulled it from my body, breaking our kiss, but only for a moment.

“Niall” He moaned and I pressed my lips to his once more. I began to trail my lips down his chin and over his neck while simultaneously pushing his shirt up to the top of his chest. 

I began kissing, licking and nibbling down over his body and I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get enough of him. I couldn’t get enough of this feeling; a feeling that I haven’t had in so long and now that I’ve had a taste, I don’t want it to stop. 

As my fingers grip onto the top of his jeans he grabs my hands and pulls them away. I breathe heavily and slowly look up at him. His eyes are glossed over and I immediately freeze.

“Oh my God, Harry. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why he was seconds from crying. “What happened?” I sat up and pulled him up with me and held him close.

He sniffles lightly and then straddles my waist again and takes my face in his hands. He kisses my lips softly and lets his lips linger.

“I love you so much, Niall and I want you to love me again.”

“Harry” I breathe but he cuts me off.

“I want this. I want us. You can’t deny these feelings anymore, Niall. You can’t deny this attraction between us. But I know you have a lot to think about and I’ll let you do that and I’ll be waiting for you. Do whatever you need to do while you are with him this weekend, but just come back to me after. I want you to come back to me.” He kisses me again. There is so much passion in it and I don’t want it to stop but he pulls away once more.

He stands up from my lap and pulls me up off the couch. He walks me to the door. I am still very much aroused and breathing fast and heavy. I want nothing more right now than to take him up to my room and be together with him. But at the same time, I know he is stopping it because it would be nothing at the moment but physical gratification. Even though there are feelings behind the actions, I still wouldn’t be able to make the decision to be back with him and he knows that.

He holds my cheek and presses his lips to mine.

“Have a safe trip, babe. I’ll see you when you get back. I love you.” He smiles and I brush a tear off his cheek. I run my fingers through his hair and bring his lips back to mine. We kiss for a few more moments and then he is gone and I am left sitting in my entryway thinking about the two men that I want.

On the flight over to America I had plenty of time to think about everything, absolutely everything. Not that I really wanted to but I just couldn’t stop my mind.

I thought about the first time I met Harry. I thought about our first kiss. I thought about our first time. I thought about first date in his house. I thought about our first fight. I thought about when I moved in with him. I thought about our beautiful two and a half years together and the last six months that were anything but beautiful. I thought about it all.

I then became very thankful for Ryan. I was thankful that he was there for me throughout the breakup and also thankful that he felt the same about me when I revealed my feelings for him. 

I also played through the last time I saw Ryan a couple weeks ago and how much has changed since then. I still very much have feelings for him but now I have never been more unsure of what or rather who I want.

The kiss with Jamie gave me clarity that it was ok to kiss someone who wasn’t Ryan, and maybe prepared me for the kiss that I shared with Harry. However unexpected it was, and no matter how off guard he caught me with it, I couldn’t deny the instant spark and overwhelming feelings inside. I wanted more of his lips. I wanted more of him. I wanted it to never stop.

I finally touched down at LAX and grabbed my carry-on luggage from the overhead compartment. I’ll only be here for three days, so there was no need to check anything. The plan would be that I would take a car that Ryan has waiting for me and would be driven to his hotel. My nerves were building at the thought of being in Ryan’s arms again in just a few short minutes.

I pulled up to the back of the hotel and walked in through a side entrance as to avoid any type of paps that could be waiting out front. I stood in the elevator, biting my nails nervously and rocking back and forth on my feet. The car stopped at floor twenty and made the ding for its arrival. I exited the elevator and walked down the corridor to suite number twenty-ten. I stood in front of the door for a few minutes before I finally knocked. The door swung open quickly and I was met with his beautiful hazel eyes and bright smile.

“Baby” I whispered and fell into his arms. He held onto me tightly and led me into the room, shutting the door behind us.

“I’ve missed you so much” He muffled out; his lips pressed tightly to my neck. I pulled away and looked into his eyes.

“I’ve missed you, too.” I replied and then continued to hold his body close to mine.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, eventually breaking enough to be able to walk safely to the couch and sit down. I was practically on his lap but neither of us minded. We stayed close; absorbing each other’s warmth and smell.

“Can we just go to bed right now? I just want to fall asleep in your arms. I miss that.” I said gently as I ghosted my fingers up and down his chest.

“Absolutely. You must be exhausted from traveling all day.” He replied and walked me to his room. We stripped down to our boxers and slid under the covers and I wrapped my body tightly around his and immediately found comfort and warmth and was able to fall asleep quickly listening to the sound of his heat lightly thumping.

“Good morning, babe”

“Morning” I smiled in reply and ran my hand over his cheek just to make sure he was real. It was quite the feeling waking up in his arms. A feeling that I was very much missing. I inhaled deeply and exhaled strong and closed my eyes and pressed more into him with a smile on my face.

“We’ve got a lot to do today so we have to get up and be out the door in like an hour.” He said as he ran his hands through my hair.

“You have a lot to do today.” I smirked. “I’ll just wait here, in bed, for you to return.”

“Right.” He said and then lightly shoved my body. “Let’s get up and shower. Breakfast will be here in about twenty.”

“Shower? Together?” I said; finally opening my eyes only to wink at him. He cocked his eyebrow in response and then got off the bed and slid his boxers off his hips and kicked them off and towards me; landing just inches from my face on the bed. I quickly shed my own and joined him seconds later.

The shower was mostly us washing each other with the occasional lingering hug. Of course we both got aroused but it just wasn’t the time for us to get into anything. I think we both knew that we had a lot to talk about before we, or if we even did anything of a sexual nature. We still haven’t even kissed. I guess I am scared of not feeling as much as I did when Harry kissed me. I was scared of my feelings for Harry and that why I didn’t kiss him right away and now I’m scared of my feelings for Harry again and it’s why I am hesitant to kiss Ryan.

The day was filled with various engagements for Ryan and I tagged along to every event. First he had a signing, followed by an hour or so in studio. Next was the sound check and then a meet and greet. I then hung around backstage for an hour or so and met with the band he was opening for. They were good guys and I loved that Ryan seemed to be great friends with them already.

At eight I was on the side of the stage as Ryan began to perform. I watched in awe as he captivated the audience and put on an amazing show. He was so in his element and the smile on his face clearly showed that he loved being up on stage; but I always knew that.

We stayed and watched the others perform but left directly after, both of us seemingly wanting to be alone for the rest of the evening instead of partying with the others. We were back in his room by midnight.

We both showered, separately, wanting to rid us of the day’s sweat and then cuddled up on the bed with the tv on, although we both weren’t particularly interested in what was on. I was more interested in his eyes; his beautiful eyes and the way they were looking intensely into mine.

I knew this moment would eventually come and I wanted it so badly. But again, I was still scared for what I would be feeling or not feeling afterward. We both began to lean in. Our lips getting gradually closer with each passing second until finally his soft lips joined mine.

The moment was breathtaking and held so much emotion. We both got lost in that kiss and every pleasure filled action that happened afterward. Every touch was wanted, every moan was meaningful and it all led to a passionately blissful night that ended with a bitter sweet climax for the both of us; both knowing it would be the last time we would ever make love again.

I lay completely still and silent the next morning. I was still in Ryan’s arms and I found comfort in that. I had a heavy heart but relief also filled my body. I was sad knowing that Ryan and my relationship was completely over. I still feel things for him but I knew it would only be a matter of time before those feelings were replaced with the friendship feelings that I have for Liam, Zayn and Louis. 

I felt relieved that I now knew that Harry has always been the one and will always be the one but I will absolutely go about our situation lightly and slowly. I certainly don’t want to jump right back into a relationship with him. I want to take our time and really build my love for him back up. I want to build my trust in him back up and that will take some time.

“You awake?” I heard him whisper, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah.” I softly replied and placed a kiss on his chest. “Do you remember the first time we kissed?” I asked as I grazed my fingers through the small and light patch of hair on his chest. He hummed.

“I was so nervous. You had already told me that you liked me like a week before and I knew that I felt the same for you but I was too scared to do anything and then while we were cuddling and watching some movie you looked at me and said “Because I know you won’t make the first move, you panzy” and then you pressed your lips on mine. It was perfect. Insulting, but perfect” We giggled and I looked up at his smiling face and winked.

“Yeah. It was perfect.” I agreed.

“We had such an amazing relationship, Ni and I won’t ever forget the time we spent together but I think we both know this is where it ends. Relationship wise anyway, because I still hope to be your friend.”

“I would like that very much. I still want you in my life, Ryan. I always will and thank you so much for being here for me and being the most amazing boyfriend and challenging me to figure things out and just being absolutely perfect. You are perfect, babe.” I scooted up and placed a quick kiss on the lips.

“I tried to be perfect for you because that is what you deserve. You deserve to be happy and I guess I always knew that you should be with Harry but I guess I was selfish, wanting to keep you as long as I could.”

“You were not selfish. At all. I wanted you so much. I loved being with you and you made me completely happy the entire time. You are going to make someone else extremely happy in the future and I’ll be jealous.” 

“You will not be jealous, silly. You’ll be completely happy with Harry. I know that and I think you know that too. It was meant to be. I’m just happy that I got to be happy with you for a few months.” He places a kiss on the top of my head and I looked up at him and smiled. “Now please tell me you’ve kissed him already and put the poor guy out of his misery.” He joked.

“Whatever.” I replied and hit his chest, gently. “But yes.” I smirked and then while feeling a bit cheeky, I turned my face to his chest and bit down on his nipple.

“Ow!” He groaned and pushed me off of him. I laughed and immediately got hit in the head with a pillow. “I hope you didn’t do that to him. He’ll never take you back.” He chuckled and then slipped on his boxers. I gasped; faking being shocked and then began to laugh along with him.

The rest of the day was spent hanging in his room, eating far too much food and watching American cop dramas and movies. It was the best way to spend my last day in California; just the two us without the influence of the outside world.

“This is probably the last time I’ll ever wake up in your arms. I just wanna lay here as long as I can and savor it.” I mumbled. We both woke up about ten minutes prior but neither of us really wanted to move.

“I really will miss you, Niall but we both know that this is absolutely the best for both of us and I’m happy knowing that we will both move on to new relationships eventually but will be able to look back on our time spent together fondly and with such great memories.”

“You always speak so eloquently, Ry. And I agree with you.” I nod and press my lips to the crook of his neck and then lift myself up and join my lips to his. It’s a quick peck but perfect for how we are both feeling.

We have a quick breakfast and then I shower and pack. We spend the last hour before I leave holding each other on the couch; curled up into one another in silence. No other words need to be said. Nothing needs to be explained and nothing else needs clarity. We have closure on our relationship and have the understanding that we will remain friends, always having a place in each other’s hearts and lives.

“It’s time” I say as I look at my cell phone clock. We stand and he walks me to the door. He is unable to take me to the airport and I’m ok with that. 

“Call me when you get back to London and we’ll hang out and text me occasionally and let me know how the tour is going. Ok?” I say and hold him in a tight embrace.

“Will do. And you text or call me just because.” He smiles and I nod. His hands find their way to either side of my face. He softly holds my cheeks and I hold onto his wrists. He leans his head down on mine and a few moments later, I tilt my chin up and press my lips to his.

“I’ll see you soon.” I say as I pull away and step one foot out the door.

“Yep. Have a safe flight and text me when you land.” I say ‘ok’ and he leans in for one last kiss and we linger together for longer this time; both knowing it’s the last kiss we will ever share.

“Bye, Ryan.”

“By, Niall” He smiles and then shuts the door.

I stand in front of the door for a few minutes taking it all in; absorbing the fact that it is really over. Ryan and I have put finality to our relationship. I can sense him just on the other side of the door, likely thinking the same thing as me. I place one hand on the door gently and then pull away and with my suitcase in my hand I start my walk to the elevator; taking my first steps on the path back to Harry.

I felt good, surprisingly. I felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I was happy with the way things ended between Ryan and me. I was happy for the time we spent together and thankful that I could still call him my friend. The closure that we both received is what Harry and I never had and that is why I struggled so much with it.

I know that everyone has been right all along. I know that Harry and I will always find our way back to each other. I am sorry that it took me so long to figure it out and I am sorry that I had to put Ryan through the difficulty with having to see Harry trying to get me back and me fighting so hard against it when he knew all along that I really wanted it.

I am not sorry for the separation, however. I feel that it was a good thing. Harry and I both messed up. I stopped fighting for him when I felt the resistance and distance he was putting up and he lied, and hid a growing emotional connection to another guy that was literally millimeters away from a physical connection if I hadn’t been there to stop him.

We have both made mistakes and I know that it will take me a little while to gain back the trust that I once had in him but I want to do that. I want to be in love with him like I used to be. I know that I still love him but I hope one day soon it will be stronger than it ever was; strong enough for us to last through anything.

I spent Monday evening resting after the long flight back to London. I was certainly jet lagged and didn’t much feel like doing anything. I texted Ryan and let him know I was home safely and we texted a few more minutes about random things. It was nice. Like we really could be friends and I was so very happy about that. I let Louis, Liam and Zayn know I had made it home and of course Louis said that we are all going out on Friday night and of course I agreed.

I saved Harry for last. I wanted to see him but not tonight, I was far too tired to hash anything out but I so desperately wanted to kiss him again and be in his arms. I stared at his contact name in my phone. I couldn’t help but to change it back to its original form. I smiled as I did. I guess it’s the first step.

To: Hxx

Hey you. I’m home. Just wanted to let you know.

It was about fifteen minutes later that I received a response.

To: Niall

Hi. I’m glad you’re home safely : ) Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I was in the shower and obviously didn’t have my phone. I missed you.

To: Hxx

That’s ok. I missed you too. Can we maybe meet for dinner tomorrow? I’ll make it here for us. Say six?

To: Niall

Absolutely! I can’t wait to see you.

To: Hxx

You too. I’ll see you tomorrow. Night.

To: Niall

Night, babe.

So it’s all set. Tomorrow evening I’ll tell Harry that I want to try again, slowly.

I didn’t want to get out of bed on Tuesday morning but I had no choice. I had to meet with my label at noon and then I had to figure out what I was going to make Harry and me for dinner and then shop for the ingredients.

The meeting with my label would consist of putting finality on the songs chosen for the new album and then working out a schedule on when to have it completely finished and what plans are in the works for promotion and when we will release the first single and shoot the video for it.

I actually love having meetings such as those. I love what I do and I’m excited to be doing it all again. I had such a great time during my first album and I expect that the new one will be just as much fun.

It was around three that afternoon that found me in the grocery store, trying to stay as private as possible but there were a few fans that stopped me. I gladly took pictures with them and signed some autographs. I tried to be as quick as possible but apparently I wasn’t quick enough.

After spending about forty-five minutes in the store, I was met with about ten different photographers in my face while trying to walk to my car. I smiled politely at them and let them get their pictures. I’ve learnt how to handle these situations calmly but sometimes it’s still hard not to get slightly irritated.

They were obviously shouting things to get my attention and talking about me being in L.A. with Ryan. There have been tabloid reports about Ryan and my relationship being on the rocks and other made up things from ‘sources’ that say I cheated or he cheated and other malarkey like that. You have to ignore all of it because it will drive you crazy if you don’t. I knew before I answered any of their questions, I would have to talk to Ryan to see what he wanted to do about it. I am thinking that both of our management teams can release a statement saying that we are no longer together. I got into my car and waved to the paps, allowing them to get a few last pictures and I drove away.

“Hello”

“Hey. Sorry to be bothering you” I said.

“You’re not bothering me at all. What’s up?” Ryan replied.

“So I was just at the grocery store and I must have taken too long because someone alerted the media that I was there and I was met with a few paps on the way to my car and they kept asking about us and I just wanted to see what you think we should do?”

“Oh. Yeah. We didn’t really discuss that, did we?” He replied and I could tell he was thinking. “Well what do you want to do? I’ll do whatever you want.”

“I don’t know. I guess I was just thinking that I could have someone from my management release a statement that we aren’t dating anymore and your management could do the same.” I suggested.

“That’s the best idea I think. I’ll have them say that it was an amicable split and we are still great friends.” He said, adding to my previous statement.

“Yeah, good. I’ll have them say something similar.”

We continued with our conversation for a few more minutes before he had to leave to be in the studio. We said goodbye and I was happy with how the conversation went. It was nice to talk to him as friends and I was happy that it wasn’t awkward at all. 

We both agreed that we would speak with our management tomorrow and let them know what we decided and they would release a statement to the press on Friday. I am sure the tabloids are still going to run false stories of how we ended but again, you have to ignore all of that and take comfort in the fact that Ryan and I and the ones closest to us know the truth and that is all that matters.

At five, with the roast in the oven, I decided that I should get cleaned up. The food would be done a little after six and that would give Harry and me some time to just sit and talk before we ate. Not that I wanted to talk about anything too serious before dinner but I didn’t want him to arrive and immediately start eating.

I showered, styled my hair and dressed nicely. I wanted to look good. Not that we were considering this a date, exactly but I still wanted to look good for him and I thought I did a pretty good job of it.

It was ten of six when the doorbell rang. I had some butterflies in my stomach and stopped by a decorative mirror in the entryway to check out my appearance before opening the door. I took a deep breath and turned the knob.

I lightly smiled at Harry and the covered dish he was holding.

“I brought dessert.” He smiled. I stepped aside and he walked in, placing a kiss on my cheek as he passed.

I followed him into the house and we walked into the kitchen and he set the plate down on the counter.

“It smells delicious, Ni.” He turned and smiled at me.

“Thanks. You look really good, Harry.” I said somewhat timid like and held open my arms for him. He did look amazing and when he stepped into my embrace I took notice that he smelled amazing as well.

“You look very good, too. Sexy as usual.” He whispered into the crook of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. We stayed tightly joined together for a few minutes before I pulled away and ushered him to the sofa in the living room.

“Dinner should be done in about twenty minutes.”

“Ok.” He replied as we both sat down, facing each other. “How was your trip?”

“Good. The flights were obviously really long but I had a good time.” He nodded and then I changed the subject. “So how was your weekend?”

“Good. We went to Zayn’s party on Friday night-“

“Oh yeah. How was that? I forgot to ask him when I texted him last night.”

“It was fun. I hung out for a few hours and then left. I decided I would go home to visit my parents for the weekend so I left early Saturday morning and stayed through yesterday morning.” He said with a smile.

“That’s good. How are Anne and Robin?” I asked.

“They are good. They told me to tell you hello and that they want to see you again, soon.”

“Yeah, of course.” I replied and then heard the ding of the timer on the oven, signaling the food being ready.

We talked randomly over dinner and I was happy to see Harry enjoying what I made. I’m not the best cook, so the roast could have gone either way. I was glad that it went the good way.

We talked about what I did earlier today with management and what was discussed about the new album. Harry also mentioned that he is writing more and maybe wants to head back into the studio. I was happy to hear that and I couldn’t help but think it had a bit to do with the way our relationship was building. And like I had wanted, we avoided the topic of us before and during dinner.

“Hi.” He softly spoke after we sat quietly on the couch for a few minutes once we finished up with dinner and dessert.

“Hi” I replied with a smile and placed my hand on his. He smiled back and intertwined our fingers. I took a deep breath, knowing that I had to start the conversation.

“So, I guess we need to talk about what’s going on between us.”

“I would like to discuss it, yes. But if you aren’t ready, I can wait.” He replied but I shook my head.

“No. I’m ready and we do need to talk about it.” I paused and took another breath and then began. “So, Ryan and I obviously talked over the weekend and it’s really over between us. I think he obviously knew before I did and I think it took me going there to see him and getting closure that made me finally realize it too, but it is done.” I could see the slight smile on his face but it was instantly gone.

“Did you….do you do anything with him…you know…” He trailed off and I knew he was asking if we slept together.

“Harry.” I breathed. “Do you really wanna know the answer to that?”

“I’m guessing by the way you responded, I have my answer.” He lowered his head but I immediately lifted it back up.

“Harry, we aren’t dating. I have every right to do that with anyone I want, not that I would but-“ He cut me off.

“No, I know. It just isn’t a great feeling knowing that.”

“I understand, but you shouldn’t have asked the question if you didn’t want to feel badly.” I somewhat scolded.

“I know. But anyway, continue with what you were saying.” He stated and I nodded.

“So, Ryan and I are officially over. I’m not going to lie and say that all of my feelings for him are gone because they aren’t and it’s technically only been one day since it’s been absolutely official. I know he ended things a couple weeks ago, but it didn’t feel over in my eyes. Not yet anyway. So yes, there are still feelings there but when he and I kissed and did what we did, I knew it would be the last time. I knew because even though kissing him felt as wonderful as it always does, it didn’t even compare to the kiss that we shared on Thursday night.” I saw his eyes light up and he smiled but stayed silent and let me finish.

“Ryan and I had an amazing relationship and he was absolutely the perfect boyfriend. He was attentive, caring, giving, we never fought, we got along all the time and I thought everything was perfect. It wasn’t until he and I shared a kiss after the one you and I shared that I realized that the passion between you and I could never be duplicated. It was only then that I realized no matter how perfect of a relationship Ryan and I had, it was lacking the passion that I didn’t know was missing until after our kiss.

“I love kissing you Harry. You send shivers up my spine with one touch and your lips set my body on fire and I know that in a relationship you need more than physical attraction and we had that at one time and I really want to get back to that but it will take some time. I do want us…” I paused and took both of his hands in mine and looked into his teary eyes. “I want us to be better than we were. I do love you, Harry and I know it may not be as much as it once was, but it’s still there and it will continue to grow. But we really have to work at it and-“

“Baby, I’ll do whatever it takes. I just want to be with you again. I am so sorry for messing it all up and I’ve regretted it every day since. I know that I can make you happy and I know that we can be happier than before” He says in a pleading manner with tears running down his cheeks. I brush a few of them away.

“I know you’re sorry, Harry and I forgive you, really. And I want us again as well but like I said, I want to start slow. I’m not ready to call you my boyfriend yet but maybe we can just slowly begin dating, if you want to?”

“Anything you want. I’ll do whatever you want. I just want to know that you are in my future.”

“I will be in your future, Harry and you’ll be in mine and one day soon we’ll be happy as boyfriends again.” I smile and place a kiss on his cheek.

“So friends? Who love each other and date and will eventually be exclusive?” He asks.

“Yes. Friends, who date and who love each other and will be boyfriends again, soon.” I smirk and then sit my body up and straddle his lap. His hands hold my hips in place and I dip my head near his ear while holding around his neck. I ghost my lips over the outside of his ear. “Friends with benefits because I want to feel what I felt on Thursday night.” I whispered and then licked the shell of his ear. His hands tightened on me and he moaned into my shoulder.

“Do you want that, Harry?” I breathed as I brought my lips over his cheek and held them just above his.

“God yes, baby.” He answered, breathing heavily and then pressed our lips together and I instantly felt the passion that I had just described. I was hungry for it, for him. 

We kissed deeply for a few minutes before I stood up from his lap and took his hands. We both knew what was about to take place and we both wanted it so desperately. I led him to my room and closed the door once we were inside.

He slowly turned my body to face him and gently began to undo the buttons of my shirt. He removed it from my body and we let it fall to the floor. I ran my hands up under his shirt and lifted it off of his chest and tossed it aside. I took a few minutes to take in the beautiful view. I began to leave kisses over his collar bones and down his chest. He shivered as I ran my fingertips up his sides and then traced them over his shoulders and down his back. I tucked my fingers into the back of his jeans and moved them along the inside around the front of his body. 

I calmly lowered myself to my knees in front of him and looked up into his lust and love filled eyes. I placed a kiss just below his navel and began to undo his jeans. I paused when I noticed a tattoo that hadn’t previously been there. I wasn’t sure when he got it nor did I care but it looked brand new. It still had a slight red tint around the edges of the black lettering. I was mesmerized by the inked initials staring back at me. I traced the letters NJH that were now forever holding a spot just over his right hip bone and I placed a kiss on the ink. I looked up at him through my lashes as a tear rolled down my cheek. I held onto his hips after I pushed his jeans down over his body and rested my forehead on his lower abdomen, too overwhelmed with feelings to do anything more.

He ran his hands through my hair and then down over my shoulders. He bent slightly and helped me up to my feet.

“I love you, Niall. So much.” He breathed and led me back to the bed. Once I felt the mattress behind my knees, I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him down with me.

He sat on his knees in between my legs and undid the button and zipper on my jeans and pulled them from my body. I tucked my toes into the top of his boxers and began to slide them down over his hips and he assisted when my foot could no longer finish the job.

He lowered his body towards mine and began to kiss up my inner thighs. I was moaning in pleasure and never wanted this feeling to stop. My mind and body were nowhere else in this moment. I had no other thoughts in me other than how badly I wanted Harry.

Before I knew it, I was rid of all clothing, just as he was. His naked body was finally lying on top of mine, in between my legs. Our aroused members pressing and rubbing tightly on one another. 

Our lips have been attached for most of this and I finally, with my hands in his hair, lifted his face from mine.

“I love you, Harry.” I whispered through tears and he let a few drop from his eyes as well.

Our names were whispered and moaned from each other’s mouths. Heavy pleasure filled breathing filled the room. The sounds of ecstasy were mixed with the light sniffles from tears and overwhelming emotion. Our hearts beating fast as we took turns providing pleasure to one another; both of us wanting to feel the other. 

Harry and I were getting back to the feeling of being together; Harry and I were finally getting back to us.

After a few hours of being together emotionally and physically, we both lay curled up in my bed, tightly holding on to one another; scared to let go. We knew this was a starting over point but I was worried that maybe he would change his mind and by the way he was gripping me, he likely was thinking the same thing.

The sex was as amazing as it always was. Harry and I never had a problem with the physical aspect of our relationship and that fact was just proven. We have to work on not taking the other for granted, fighting for the relationship and honesty and I am willing to do all of that with him, for him.

Harry is currently lying with his head on my chest, right leg hooked over my legs. I am holding him tight around his shoulder with my lips pressed to the top of his head. He loosens his grip slightly on my side and begins grazing his right hand up and down my chest. He takes a deep breath and presses his lips to my skin.

“I love you, Niall.” He whispers. I smile and take his right hand in my left and hold it in place on my chest, just over my heart.

“I love you, too.” I felt the cold of metal on my skin and traced my fingers over the object causing the shivers. A ring on his right fourth finger. More specifically, my old ring. The ring that he has never once taken off, even through all of the pain, separation and heart break. The ring remained a constant for him. Suddenly it became clear that he always knew that we would be back here. He knew that we would get back to us. He held onto hope and the ring.

I ran my fingers over the knots that made the ring, remembering the feeling of it when it used to sit on my middle finger. I remember the night that I gave it to him. I remember the feeling of always wanting to be with Harry and now feeling thankful that he never lost hope and here we are, finally back in each other’s arms. I knew what I had to do in this moment. I knew what I wanted to do.

I let go of his right hand and reached over to my bed side table, opening the drawer. I felt his head tilt slightly, likely looking at what I was currently doing. I grabbed the black velvet box and pulled it from the drawer. I began to adjust my body so that I would be able to sit up. He moved with me. We were now resting against the headboard.

He sat up a little bit and was watching as I set the box in my lap and lifted the top off of it. I removed the necklace from it; my guitar pick necklace which was a gift from Harry all those years ago. I looked at him with love in my eyes and held his gaze as I placed the necklace around my neck, returning it to its proper place. 

His eyes glossed over as he leaned in and placed his lips on mine. I held onto him tight and kissed him with all the love that I had in me. I could feel my love for him growing with each second that passed and I longed for the day that the love I feel for him will be as deeply as it once was and possibly even more.

We then shifted slightly so that I was now lying against his chest.

“I’m so happy that you came back to me, baby. I’m glad you decided to give us another chance. I love you so much, Ni and I just can’t picture my life without you. I want this, I want us, forever.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long and I’ll be eternally grateful and thankful that you never gave up, like me…” my voice trailed off as I started to feel badly.

“Hey” he said and lifted my face up to meet his. “You did what you had to do. I know that. I know what I did to you and you had every right to leave me. You were right, Niall. As hard as this past year and a half has been, I know it was what we needed. Now we can move on and be better than we were. I know that I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ll be sure to never mess up like that again. I know the agony of losing you and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I love you and I’ll be better this time. We’ll be better.” He kissed my forehead gently and ran his fingers across my cheek. I leaned into his touch and held his hand.

“I love you, Harry.” I looked deeply into his eyes and felt the pull and desire in him and in my own body. I moved my position and straddled his lap. We were both still undressed from the activities of just an hour ago.

I sat on his lap with my backside feeling his member slowly getting aroused. My own growing larger against my stomach with every passing moment. Our breathing began to quicken as my hands traveled up and down his chest. He lifted his left hand from my hip and took hold of my necklace and pulled me closer to him. Our faces now just inches from one another. A small forward movement from me and our lips molded together.

I rolled my hips against him, causing a moan to slip from both of our mouths and in that moment we began to express our love for each other once more.

The days passed quickly. I was busy planning for the new album so I had little time to do anything else. I hadn’t seen Harry since he left Wednesday morning. We’ve texted a couple times but I thought it was best to have a few days of distance. I knew we had much history but I was still sort of considering us as just starting out and two people who aren’t exclusive and working towards a relationship don’t spend every day together. They have a few days break in between each date or visit.

We were all going out tonight so I would see him when I arrived at the bar; another decision I made. We would go separately.

To: Niall

So it’s on the E! News channel right now in America that we have split.

I read over Ryan’s text message a couple times before responding. I know that my management called some press this morning and so did his management but he is in America, on the west coast more specifically meaning he is about eight hours ahead of me, so of course it would be out over there. I’m sure it will be on the entertainment news channel here tonight. I’m really not looking forward to watching it, if I’m being honest. Ryan and I knew what happened and I’m sure whatever story they are going to spin will be less than accurate. The thought of the split, however logical and right for the both of us, is still painful to think about. It’s still very new for me.

To: Ryan

Really? So what are they saying? 

To: Niall

Actually, not much. Just that we’ve ended our relationship and they were told it was an equal decision and that we are still friends. They speculate that it was because I’ll be over here for a while and we decided that long distance wasn’t for us.

To: Ryan

Well that’s good, I guess. At least there aren’t reports of infidelity! : )

To: Niall

Well the gossip magazines have yet to print anything about it yet, so I’m sure in a day or so according to a “source”, I’ll have cheated on you with your brother but not before getting some model pregnant.

To: Ryan

Well as long as you name the baby after me, I guess I’m alright with that. But my brother?! Really!! ;) I miss you. I hope you are having a great time!

To: Niall

;) I miss you, too! And yes, I’m having a lot of fun! I hope you are doing good!

To: Ryan

Yeah. I’m good. Getting better every day! Going out with the lads tonight. Should be fun! But I guess I’ll talk to you later. Have a great evening, Ry. 

To: Niall

That’s really great! Have fun and be safe tonight and yeah, we’ll catch up soon. Have a good day, Ni.

I responded with a smiley face and set my phone back on the stand in my room. It’s oddly weird knowing that we aren’t dating and I have to make the effort not to call him ‘babe’ or ‘baby’. I’m sure I’ll stop having the urge to do that after a while. 

I still have about ten hours to kill of the day before I have to meet the boys out at the bar so my plan is actually to do nothing and I think I’ll start by doing nothing on my couch with the television on.

“Niall! You’re here!” Louis exclaims as I walk up to the roped off section that we will be for the evening. I step over the rope, not really waiting for the bouncer to open it for me and I am immediately wrapped up in Louis’ arms and he is placing a very slobbery kiss on my temple.

“Ugh, Louis.” I smirk and wipe the kiss away. I glance around but before I can say anything Louis is already answering the question that has yet to leave my lips.

“He’s not here yet.” He smiles brightly.

“Ok” My reply was simple but it was written all over my face that I wanted to see him. It’s been a long three days and I was desperate for his touch.

The waitress brought over a few beers and I grabbed my first one, all the while saying hello to Liam and Zayn and the fifteen or so other people, some of whom I didn’t know, that managed their way into our roped off section. 

“So you’re finally back together?” Louis quirks an eyebrow at me and smiles a hopeful smile.

“No. We are taking it slow. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we are, but we have a few issues to work on first.”

“I guess I get that. But seriously, Ni, I’m really happy. You two really are perfect for each other.”

“Thanks, Lou” I say with a smile and wrap my arms around his neck and hold him. I am thankful to Louis for always sticking by Harry and me during the separation. He could have easily ignored me but I’m grateful that he didn’t.

“Back off Lou. He’s mine” I heard the words flow from the person right behind me. I immediately knew that voice and the low calm and sexy tone of it sent chills up mine spine. I felt his strong arm wrap around my waist from behind and he pulled on me lightly, effectively separating me from Louis.

“I thought we could share. I know Niall would be ok with that. Wouldn’t ya, babe?” Lou smirked, earning a laugh from me.

“Too bad, I’m selfish. That’s not gonna happen.” He spoke and tilted his head down and brushed his lips over the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. I brought one of my hands over to his hand that was around my waist and my other hand ran softly over his cheek. I could hear someone, likely Louis, say something along the lines of Harry and I needing to get a room but I ignored it and reveled in the feeling of being in Harry’s arms.

“I missed you, babe.” His hot breath rolling off of his lips as he spoke. 

“I missed you, too.” I replied and then slowly began to turn in his arms so that I could see his face.

“You look amazing, Ni.” He murmured, looking deeply into my eyes as the pad of his left thumb grazed over my bottom lip. The tension, being of a sexual nature, between us was palpable and I couldn’t help but to let a small moan slip from my lips. 

I rested my forehead on his and skimmed my fingertips along the top of his jeans, leaving goose bumps in their wake. He swallowed hard and I tucked my head into the crook of his neck and began leaving barely there kisses, ghosting my lips across his sensitive skin. I hooked the tops of my fingers into the top of his jeans and pulled his body closer to mine. Our mid-sections now tightly pressed against one another. Our breathing became heavy and rapid. I knew we needed to calm slightly but I didn’t want to stop.

A second later I felt his hands grab onto mine and pull them from the top of his pants. He looked into my eyes and smirked as I pouted.

“C’mon” He whispered and tugged on my arm and I obediently followed without question.

We approached a set of stairs and I immediately thought about not realizing that there was a second level to this place. I’ve only ever been here a few times and each time only for a little while. I’m obviously not as observant as I think I am. 

There was a big and burly guard in front of the darkened staircase and I assumed that we weren’t allowed. I looked up to Harry to see him eye the guard and he nodded in understanding and stepped aside. 

We ascended the stairs and once at the top we took a left; that being the only way we could go. To the right was a railing that overlooked the floor downstairs. 

I looked around as Harry led us to wherever, and surveyed the surroundings. The area up here was only about fifteen feet long. Again, to the right was just a railing and to the left was a somewhat narrow walkway that led to a door. 

“What are we doing? That’s the office” I stated just as he took hold of the door in front of us. Harry smirked and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.

“I know the owner. It’s fine.” He turned the knob and we walked inside. The music blaring from outside became only muffled sounds as soon as he shut the door behind us. He turned on the lights in the room and it was indeed an office. A small, yet seemingly functional room with a desk, a few chairs, filing cabinets, a fake potted plant in the corner and of course a couch along the far wall.

“Harry” I spoke in a hushed tone but was cut off with his lips on mine. I was walked back and soon felt the wall behind me. My body was being pressed tightly into it as Harry’s lips pressed further into mine.

Like always, and this time proved no different, our kiss was deepened only moments after starting. His lips were addictive and I couldn’t get enough of him. 

His hands ran down my body and stopped just below my bottom. I felt a slight tug and I immediately followed along with the obvious sign of what he wanted. I jumped slightly for him to be able to lift my body off the ground. He gripped my backside with a squeeze, causing me to moan and tighten my legs firmly around his waist. 

The fire between us was evident in our kissing, the passion evident in the way we held tightly to one another and lust was clearly slipping from our mouths in the form of heavy breathing filled moans.

Yet my mind was somewhere else. As good as this felt, and it felt amazing, I knew it had to stop. We had to stop. It wasn’t the fact that we weren’t officially dating. It wasn’t the location in which we were. It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t want to have sex on a dingy old couch in some office belonging to someone whom I’ve never met. 

The reason this needed to stop was because I don’t want our lust filled passion to take precedence in this relationship. Our sexual want, need and longing for one another were never the problems in our relationship. We certainly didn’t have to work on being better together in the physical aspect. I didn’t want this time around to be nothing but physical. 

Knowing that I have to tell Harry this, my hands, which were currently gripping tight onto the hair on the back of his head, began to pull his lips from mine. He then looked into my eyes, his pupils very much blow wide caused by want, and dipped back in, only this time his lips took my neck and claimed it as his. Kisses, licks, bites, all very enticing and going directly to my erection pressing tightly against his.

“Harry” I tried to say firmly but it came out as more of a moan.

“God, baby. I love it when you moan my name.” He growled and pushed his arousal harder into mine. I couldn’t help but buck up into him and moan at the feeling.

“No. Harry….we need to …… need to st…..stop.” I pulled his face from the crook of my neck and looked in his eyes once more. I tried to calm and level my breathing so that he would be able to see that I was serious. I caressed his cheek in a soothing manner and allowed for him to calm down himself. I waited for him and when I could feel his fingers loosen their grip on the back of my legs, I knew he was coming down to my level.

My feet soon touched the floor and his forehead rested against the wall right next to where the back of my head rested. He was holding tight to my hips while my hands rested lightly on the front of his chest. My hands rose with every breath he took. I gently pushed his body from his current stance so that I would be able to look him in the eyes.

“Can we sit down?” I asked softly, placing a kiss just to the left of his lips. He responded wordlessly with a nod and the led me to the couch. The music from the club downstairs, having been completely silenced by the over-taking lust in my mind, was now coming back into my ears as muffled melodies.

“What’s the matter, Ni?” He asks as he takes my hands in his and we both sit face to face on the sofa.

“It’s just that I don’t want this to become all about sex with us, you know.” I paused to gage his reaction. Not seeing any confusion, I continued. “I know what I said when I got back from LA. I know I want this physical relationship with you and trust me, I really do. It’s just that I am afraid that that is all that this new relationship will be based on. And I don’t want that and I’m sure you don’t want that either.” I saw him quirk and eyebrow. 

“I’m one hundred percent ok with that” He smirked and I knew he was joking.

“Harry.” I slapped his chest lightly and we both chuckled at his joke. “We never had a problem being on the same level physically. Sure it slowed down the last few months we were together but that wasn’t because I didn’t want to have sex with you. I wanted you all the time. It was because the emotional part of our relationship suffered. I was losing trust in you and you were pulling away because I was. I want us to have this sexual relationship but I also want to be able to go out with you without the expectation of having sex afterwards. Sex was never our problem. We certainly don’t have to work on that. We have to work on being together emotionally. We have to make sure that our relationship is stronger than it was. I want to make sure that there is no need for you to feel like you need to find comfort with someone else, like I pushed you to do las-” He stopped me with a finger to my lips.

“I was an asshole last time. You didn’t do anything wrong. I knew you were fighting for us. I saw the struggle but I guess we were just fighting so much that I didn’t care enough.”

“Harry, don’t put all of the blame on youself. I may have been fighting for us but not hard enough. I didn’t make you feel as good as I should have.” I dropped my head in shame. He lifted it back up only moments later.

“You weren’t at fault. I’m the one who hid mine and his friendship from you because I knew the connection that was growing was wrong. I’m the one who cheated”

“Almost cheated” I interjected.

“Almost cheated. But you were right. I was about to kiss him. I was about to give in. I would have cheated if you hadn’t been there and I am thankful every day that you caught me before I could do anything. It was my fault, Ni. Everything was my fault. You left me because I gave you no choice. I messed up.” A tear slipped from his eye and I gently wiped it away with the pad of my thumb.

“You are not all to blame. I wasn’t making enough effort to keep you emotionally happy and in turn you started to find that connection in another person. Can’t we agree that we were both at fault?”

“Fine. But I was more at fault.” He smiled.

“Whatever you want, babe.” I smiled in reply. “But do you understand what I am meaning by working on our relationship aside from the sex?”

“Yes. I get it.” He stated. “I love you and will do anything for us to be boyfriends again and completely happy with all aspects of our relationship.”

“Good. Me too.” I placed a chaste kiss on his lips but before I could pull away, he held me in place.

“But the sex is so much fun.” He mumbled against my skin and began to lean my body down on the couch.

“Harry” I yelled with playfulness in my voice and slipped from underneath him, my body landing on the ground while his face landed onto the cushion with an ‘umf’ leaving his lips.

I stood up and patted myself off and reached out for his hands. I helped him off the sofa and walked him towards the door.

“Will you go on a date with me?” He asks before we exit the office. I smile brightly at him and nod.

“Absolutely, yes” I reply and hook my arm around his body and pull him down so that his lips press against mine.

A month has passed since Harry and I started rebuilding our relationship and it has been truly one of the best months I’ve had in a couple years.

We have reconnected in so many ways and I am amazed at how easily this has been. I thought there would be a struggle to get back to where we once were but it has been just easy. Sure we’ve had to work on trust and understanding but it’s surprisingly not difficult to trust him even after everything that happened. 

We did cool it down slightly on the physical side of things. We’ve really been focusing on strengthening our emotional bond to become an unbreakable couple and although we still haven’t made it official, still not having made the decision to become boyfriends again, we are so close; well I’m so close and I believe Harry is as well.

Over the past month, while we’ve both been busy, we have made it work by carving out specific time to be together without work or outside influences getting in the way. My album is completely finished and Harry has began writing more and more and going into the studio to record a few new things, but even through all of the crazy schedules, we still managed about five romantic dates and a weekend visiting his family in Cheshire and a weekend visiting mine in Ireland.

We were getting back to us and I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday Harry, very sweetly, asked me out on a date for Saturday evening, only two days away. He left last night, both of us deciding that we should sleep separately and have a couple days distance and not see one another until date night. We have done this type of thing a few times and although it is difficult, it just makes our reunion even more special.

I have the rest of the week off before my very hectic schedule begins next week. All of the planning for the new album must be completed and we have to do the planning for the video of the new single that will be released to radio in just about three weeks. The single that was chosen and one that I agreed whole heartedly with was the song that Harry primarily wrote. Half A Heart. It’s a bit risky starting off with a ballad as the first single to release from an album but it means so much to me, to us, that I feel it’s only right.

Around noon, I decided that I needed to get out of the house for a few hours. I was stressing about our date the day after tomorrow because I had a feeling that Harry would be asking me to be his boyfriend again. Of course I would say yes, without hesitation, but I am terribly nervous about it. I may be jumping the gun a little but I’ve been stressing on what to wear. I want to look exceptionally amazing for him and I just couldn’t find anything in my closet that I thought would leave him speechless. He told me that we were going to a fancier restaurant and to wear a suit but all of my suits he has seen before and I want something new.

Equipped with a hat, sunglasses and a hoodie, I braved the local shops trying my best to stay under the radar. The paps are having a field day with all of the pictures they are getting with Harry and I out on dates. Luckily they have only caught wind of two of our evenings but that was still enough for them to write that we are officially back together and of course they are saying that I cheated on Ryan with Harry. I feel badly about that but I know Ryan knows the truth and I’ve talked to Ryan a few times about the whole thing and he is very happy for Harry and me and that we are getting closer and closer to becoming official. 

Ryan is doing quite well himself. I spoke with him on Monday evening and he told me that he met someone and they have been hanging out but their first official date isn’t until Friday. When he told me, it kind of hit me in the chest a little but the sad feeling only lasted a few moments because I could clearly hear the joy, happiness and nervousness in his voice. 

From what I gathered, the guy’s name is Will and he is about five years older than Ryan. They met on a photo shoot for a magazine that Ryan was to be featured in. Will is one of the editors of the magazine and was there overseeing the entire shoot. I guess they went out for coffee that day and have met up a few times since. He seems genuinely happy and because of that I am happy for him. Ryan really is one of the best people I know and he deserves to be happiest he can be.

I went to a shop where I have previously purchased some of my suits and began to look around. I knew the owner and they are always very accommodating. I knew they would have closed the shop down for me if I had called ahead, but I really hate using my celebrity status to do such things.

It only took me about twenty minutes to find what I was looking for and another thirty to try it on and get the measurements right. Luckily it didn’t need to be tailored and I could leave the store with it right now. 

It was a simple black suit, like so many of my others, however this one seemed to fit just right. I chose what was called a Parisian Three Piece. It came with the pants, a vest and suit jacket. I, with the help of the in-store stylists, paired it with a blue dress shirt; I called it blue – the stylist called it cobalt. The stylist, being very patient with my lack of clothing knowledge, also picked out the tie to match. It was a plaid type with various colors ranging from blue to grey to black.

I was relieved to finally be out of there and I, with my suit in its protective bag, headed to the nearest coffee shop for a much needed caffeine break.

I ordered my coffee and took a seat, gently placing the suit on the chair next to me. After a few minutes, the barista called my name and I walked up to collect my order.

“Ni?” The recognizable voice said to me as I turned to walk back to my seat. I slowly turned and looked into his gentle eyes and smiled.

“Jamie. Hi” I smiled and held out my arm so I could hug him. “Do you want to join me?” I motioned over to my table.

“Yea. I’ll be right over as soon as I get my drink.” He replied with his beautiful smile and I nodded and headed back to my table. I was joined by him a minute later.

“It’s good to see you. How have you been?” I asked and took a sip of the hot liquid. Talking to him wasn’t awkward in the slightest. I was no longer scared or fearful. I looked at him like I would a friend and I loved that.

“Good. Really good. What about you?”

“Good, yeah. Busy, but good. My new album is going to be released in about three months and the first single off that album will be released in a couple weeks.”

“That’s great. I’ll be sure to get it.”

“Thanks” I smiled. We were silent for a few moments and then he took notice of the suit on the chair next to me and pointed at it.

“Doing some shopping?”

“Yeah. Wanted to buy a new suit.”

“Special occasion or just because?”

“Well special occasion, I guess. Um…Harry is taking me out on Saturday night to a fancy restaurant and I wanted to look nice for him” My voice trailed off a little feeling a bit embarrassed and nervous at the thought of what will happen on Saturday night. Jamie must have picked up on my mood change and I felt him place his hand on mind, providing comfort.

“Hey.” He begins and I look up to meet his gaze. “I’m sure no matter what you wear you will look absolutely amazing. You always do. And Harry will love it.”

“Thanks” I reply softly and match my smile to his. I see him looking at his watch and then up to me.

“I have to run. I have my last appointment with the therapist today.”

“Really! That’s great, Jamie. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Ni.” He then paused but I waited because he looked as though he wanted to ask me something else. “Do you think we could maybe get together for lunch or something this weekend or early next week?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll be fairly busy next week but I can meet for lunch on Sunday. How about we just have lunch here around one. Will that work?”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” He replies and then stands up from his seat. I stand as well and we embrace to say goodbye.

“I’ll see you Sunday, Ni. Good luck with your date.”

“Thanks, Jamie. See you Sunday.” We smiled and he then turned to leave, waving as he was exiting the door. I returned to my seat and finished the last few sips of my coffee and returned home a few minutes later.

The remainder of Thursday passed quickly. As well as Friday and Saturday. Before I knew it, it was only about an hour before Harry would be arriving to pick me up.

Yesterday was a little trying. I spoke with Harry and told him that I ran into Jamie while I was out and that he and I made plans for lunch on Sunday. His mood changed completely and I can understand why and I spent the good part of an hour convincing him that I want nothing except friendship from Jamie and vice versa. He eventually calmed down after I got him talking about our upcoming date but I know that mine and Jamie’s lunch will be brought up at some point tonight.

The door bell rang precisely at eight. Our dinner reservations were for eight thirty. I gave myself a quick look in the mirror, fixing any little bit of my appearance that I felt needed and then walked slowly to the door.

“Hey you.” I smiled as I opened the door and Harry stood smiling the dimpled smile holding onto a bouquet of flowers. Our eyes raked over each other and finally met gazes after a few moments.

“Jesus, Ni. You look so handsome.” I slightly blushed and held my hand out to accept the flows and to pull him into the house. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tightly. 

“You look very sexy, Harry.” I whispered into the crook of his neck; sending shivers across his skin.

I set the flowers down on the entry way table to be able to properly hold him tight. He took both sides of my face into his hands and looked lovingly into my eyes. He slowly leaned in and placed his lips on mine. We shared a simple, understated, kiss - perfect for this moment - and then pulled away.

“How about we just stay in tonight.” He wink and deviously smirked. I chuckled and picked up the flowers in one hand and took his hand in my other and led him to the kitchen so that I could put the flowers in water and a vase. 

Once I was finished, I set the flowers on the dining room table and turned to look at Harry. His eyes looked dark and full of lust. I couldn’t help but share his feelings because I wanted him just as badly as it appeared that he wanted me but again, I was very adamant with regard to our new relationship being about more than sex and I knew, no matter how he is currently feeling, he ultimately agrees. But that certainly didn’t stop him from being his cheeky self.

“I’m serious. Let’s get you out of that suit.” He is right in front of in mere moments and his fingers are working on the top button of my jacket; smirking the entire time. I raise an eyebrow at him and place my hands on his to stop his actions.

“I don’t think so. You promised dinner and I’m starving. Food first….” I smiled and then ran my fingers up his chest, over the top of his dark grey suit, up the sensitive skin on his neck and I leaned in close to the shell of his ear. “Besides, you’re going to need your energy for what I am going to do to you later.” I then lightly ran my tongue over his lobe and then back down over his neck, ending with a small nibble where the collar of his shirt met the middle of his neck.

His body tensed and his hands gripped my side. He lowly groaned and pulled my body as close to his as possible. I placed my hands flat on his chest and pushed his body away. I winked and then left his arms and walked to the front door.

“You’re evil” he murmured and a second later I felt his hand on the small of my back, leading me out the door and to his car; a winning smile on my face the whole time.

The ambiance in the restaurant was utterly romantic. It was the perfect atmosphere that clearly captured the love radiating between Harry and me.

“I love you” Harry softly spoke just as the server placed our meal down and walked away. I took his hand in mine from across the table and smiled sweetly.

“I love you, too. This is beautiful, baby. Thank you.” I replied and he lifted my hand and placed a gentle kiss across my knuckles.

After our main course and spoken sweet nothings over red wine, our dessert was being brought out. It was delicious and our conversation slowed while we enjoyed our last few bites. 

I could see that Harry had something important to talk to me about, likely asking me to be his boyfriend again and as much as I wanted this conversation to happen, I didn’t want it to happen here. I would prefer if it happened in private that way we would be able to celebrate properly without being under the eyes of others.

He reached across the table and held my hand, once again and smiled softly at me. I returned the smile and gently rubbed my thumb over his knuckles.

“Ni” He began “I was just wondering if-“

“Harry, wait. Can we talk when we get home?”

“Home?” His eyebrows quirk. “As in yours and my home?” I smirk and shake my head while he lightly chuckles.

“You know what I meant.”

“I know. It just sounded nice.” He slightly dropped his head and I immediately squeezed his hand.

“Hey…..Harry…..babe, look at me.” I asked and waited for his eyes to meet mine. As soon as our eyes locked, I began. “We’ll get back there, eventually. I promise. Ok?” He didn’t respond, so I continued. “Ok?” I asked again and he slightly nodded.

“Are you ready to go then?” He asked and I nodded. He looked around and caught the eye of the server and motioned him over to ask for the bill.

“I’m going to go to the restroom. I’ll be right back” I stood and placed a kiss on his cheek and headed to the facilities.

I used the urinal and stood in the mirror for a few minutes after washing up, getting my nerves in check for what I knew was coming later. As much as I wanted this and as much as I felt enough time has passed and the progression of our relationship has been perfect, I couldn’t help but to be jittery and apprehensive. This was truly starting over as boyfriends. This was forgetting the past and moving on to become better partners. I was a mix of emotions for what was about to come tonight. I took a deep breath and reminded myself, silently, how much I love Harry. How much I want to be with him. How happy he makes me. How happy we are and can be, together. I smiled at my reflection and took one last deep breath and walked towards the door.

I saw it immediately. I stood frozen in my place in front of the bathroom door. I was watching the whole thing happen in slow motion. Rohan Oaks reaching Harry and my table. Rohan Oaks leaning over to place a kiss on Harry’s cheek. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t watch but when I opened them, I saw Harry leaning away, holding his hand up in front of him to stop Rohan from placing the kiss on his skin. I calmed when I saw that, but I still couldn’t move. I wanted to see what was happening.

Rohan, with a smirk on his face, took my seat. Harry sat back, keeping as much distance from him as possible. My fear and slight anger that was building up, due to the thought of the last time I saw them together, subsiding slightly. This is a different situation. Harry and I are in a happier place. Harry would never cheat on me or come close to it, now. Clearly, by the look on Harry’s face, he certainly didn’t know Rohan would be here. Also, again by what Harry’s face suggests, he certainly doesn’t want him near him either.

I take a few moments and collect my thoughts. I feel secure in Harry and my relationship. I know we are happy and Rohan is just the type of person to throw salt into someone’s happiness. I can only imagine that he has seen the articles written in the magazines and displayed on the television about Harry and me getting back together. I push the thoughts out of my head and begin my walk back over to my table to confront the man, again trying to come between Harry and me. However, unlike last time, he won’t be successful.

“You seem to be sitting in my seat, Rohan.” I say calmly showing no sort of anger or jealousy.

“baby” Harry begins “I didn’t know he was here” I could see that Harry was really nervous. Obviously afraid that I would be upset. I smiled at him to hopefully provide comfort. I looked back at Rohan.

“Are you not going to leave my seat?” He just stared at me with a smirk that I really wanted to smack off his face. “Guess I’ll just sit in Harry’s lap” I slid into Harry’s lap, taking Harry by surprise a bit. I took Harry’s hands in mine and wrapped them around my waist and adjusted, getting myself comfortable.

“So, Rohan. Mind to tell what you are doing here disrupting my boyfriend and my lovely dinner?” I looked at Harry and his eyes widened slightly. I knew I just called him my boyfriend but it’s not like it wasn’t going to be official by the end of the evening anyway, so might as well call him what he technically is.

“Boyfriend?” Rohan questions, looking like he doesn’t really believe me.

“Yes, boyfriend.”

“That’s not what Harry was saying last week when we talked.” Rohan kept a straight face and for a second I was about to get up and leave. I was trying to remain calm but if Harry had been talking to Rohan after everything that he caused, I don’t know if I could get over that. However, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing Harry and me fight over him again. Harry and I would discuss it later. Harry squeezed my hands.

“We never-“ Harry started but I cut him off.

“Hush, babe. It’s fine.” I turned my attention back to Rohan. “So why is it that you feel the need to try and come between Harry and me again? You must know that he would never be with you. He’ll always choose me. It will always be me. It was still me after what happened last time. That probably made you mad and that’s why you spread all of those lies about you and Harry dating.” I could see him shifting in his seat but he still began to chuckle slightly.

“Harry knows the truth. Isn’t that right, babe. I had him screaming my name while you were away on your tour.”

“You’re lying” Harry raised his voice. “Baby, he is lying. I never..”

“Harry, its fine. I know. He is just trying to get a rise out me. Aren’t you Rohan? But it won’t work, so you can stop with your act. Your plan isn’t working and it won’t work no matter how many lies come from your mouth.” I am proud that I am keeping my composure, although I am beginning to lose my temper. Rohan has seemingly lost his ability to talk, so I continue. “What is this obsession you have with ruining or trying to ruin what Harry and I have?” I waited and waited but he still came up with no response. He is obviously just the type of person to want what someone else has. There is no other reason for his behavior other than him wanting Harry and the attention he can receive from being with him. 

I was ready to leave and go home. I no longer wanted to deal with Rohan. I no longer wanted to allow him to have a hold on Harry and my relationship. He was the catalyst that led to our downfall last time and I won’t give him the satisfaction this time.

“Are you ready to go, baby? I think we are done here.” I turned my face to look at Harry. I could tell he was still very much nervous about what was said tonight. I kissed his temple and he nodded. We stood up and I took Harry’s hand in mine.

“Have a wonderful evening, Rohan.” I asserted, with the slightest hint of sarcasm in my voice. Just as we were walking away, I felt resistance from Harry. I then looked and saw the resistance was coming from Rohan, taking hold of Harry’s other hand. I watched as Harry pulled his hand free.

“Just leave us alone, Rohan. Jesus. What happened back then was a mistake. I never had feelings for you, and I won’t. Ever.” Harry stated, finally saying something to him.

“Its fine Harry, I know you have to say that.” He smirked. I knew another lie was about to come from his mouth. “I’ll see you next week for our date, babe.” I rolled my eyes and started to chuckle.

“Give it up, Rohan. It’s getting a bit boring.” I turned away, wanting to spend no more of my time and attention on him. He isn’t worth the trouble. We walked away without another look back in his direction.

“Niall, baby…he is lying. I promise….I never…..” Harry began as soon as we took our seats in his car.

“Let’s just go back to my place.” Nothing else was spoken. My strength from the confrontation with Rohan was slipping away. I knew he was lying but the thoughts were creeping back in. All of the lies from before that Harry would tell to me about seeing and not seeing Rohan, coming to the forefront of my mind. I tried to push them away because Harry and I are stronger now, but my resolve is crumbling no matter how much I try for it not to.

For the first ten minutes after we got back to my place, we stayed in silence on the sofa. I think Harry was too scared to say anything, fearful that he may say the wrong thing and I was trying to wrap my head around what happened. I know that I need to trust Harry and I do but it was hard hearing those things coming from Rohan’s mouth.

I can feel that Harry is staring at me and I know he wants to say something or maybe he is waiting for me to begin. I feel sorry for him in some ways because I am sure that he is now thinking that I believed what Rohan said tonight and I guess I do want to ask Harry if any of it was true. I’m praying that it was all lies because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if some or all of it was true.

I can see out of my peripheral vision that his hand is inching closer and closer to mine. I am waiting for his gentle fingertips to graze my skin. I want that. I need that. Eventually, I can feel them and I lightly smile and begin to turn his way.

“Just ask me” He whispered and I looked into his sad eyes. I closed mine for a second before returning my gaze to him.

“Was any of it true?” The words timidly slipping from my mouth.

“No. Absolutely not. They were all lies. Everything he said was a lie. I’ve never had sex of any kind with him. Hell, I’ve never even kissed him. You stopped that before it could happen. The last time that I ever saw him was the day you caught us on the couch. I talked to him afterward and told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him or see him and that’s when he started to spread all of those lies to the press. I certainly don’t have any plans to meet up with him this week either.” I took in everything that Harry has said and began processing it. I knew in my bones that Rohan was in fact lying but I guess I really had to hear it from Harry.

“Please say you believe me baby. I love you so much and I can’t lose you again. I just got you back. Please don’t leave me, Niall. Please.” He intertwined our fingers as tears dripped from his eyes.

“I believe you, Harry. I’m not going anywhere. You have me. You’ll always have me.” I smiled as I watched his eyes brighten and he let out a relieved breath. He leaned into my body and wrapped his arms around my neck, placing wet kisses, caused by his tears, on the crook of my neck. I rubbed his back gently and waited for him to calm down.

“So….” He began, sitting upright and taking my hands in his once more. “You called me your boyfriend.”

“Yes, I did” I smiled. “I figured you were going to ask me tonight anyway and I wanted to wait until we got back here but then I saw that jerk sitting at our table and I might have gotten slightly possessive and wanted him to know that you are certainly taken. By me.”

“So that means that you’re my boyfriend, too doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I think that is usually the way it works” I smirked in reply.

“Well then, boyfriend, would you maybe want to go to your room?” He wiggled his eyebrows causing me to laugh. I placed a kiss on his lips and stood up from the couch and held out my hand to take his.

“C’mon, lover boy.” I smiled and led him to my room.

I roll over Harry’s body to shut my alarm off. I press the cancel button on the alarm and then try to return to my original spot only to be met with resistance. Harry’s arms are tightly wrapped around me, holding me in place on the top of his body.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He questions and lifts his head up and I take that as a sign that he wants a kiss. I oblige and press my lips on his.

“We have to get up and make breakfast and then I have to get ready. I’m meeting Jamie in a few hours for lunch, remember?” Harry rolls his eyes and groans.

“What if I told you that I didn’t want you going?” I began to laugh.

“Yeah, we both know that wouldn’t fly. I’m going to have lunch with Jamie and then I am coming back to you. That is if you want to stay here and wait for me. I should only be an hour at most. Or I could meet you at your place.”

“Our place?” He smirks.

“No. Your place.” I reply quickly and see his face slightly fall. I place a kiss on his nose. “Baby, we aren’t ready for that yet and I don’t know if I will want to make that house ours again. There are still bad memories attached to it. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I understand. As long as I know we will eventually get there, I’m happy and when we do finally make the decision to live with each other again, we can buy a new house. You’ll sell yours and I’ll sell mine. Would that be ok?”

“That would be perfect. Thank you, babe. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now get off me, sheesh!” He chuckles and I grab hold of his chest and pinch his skin. We begin to laugh and mess around until we finally get out of bed and down to the kitchen for breakfast.

I arrive at the coffee shop about ten minutes before I am to meet up with Jamie. I sit at one of the tables in the back and wait for Jamie to arrive.

My mind travels back to Harry and my conversation this morning. I know that eventually I will want us to live together again, that is only natural I think but again, like I told him this morning, I really don’t want to move back into his home; our home. Every time that I sit on that couch I have thoughts of finding Harry and Rohan there, getting closer and closer. I have thoughts of how many times Rohan was actually invited to that house without me knowing. I know that those thoughts will plague me every day if we live there.

I am relieved that he suggested buying a new place. It would be like another fresh start. A new place to call our own. A home at which a new set of happy memories can be created. A new home at which we can restart our lives together.

“Hey” I look up to the where the voice is coming from. Jamie is standing at the side of the table. I smile and stand to greet him with a hug.

“I haven’t ordered yet. Do you want to go up there with me to place our orders?” I ask.

“Yeah, great. But it’s my treat.”

“No. I’ll get it.” I rebuttal.

“Nope. I invited you out to lunch so I’ll get it.”

“Ok. Fine. Thank you very much” I conceded and we walked up to the counter to place our meal and drink orders. We accepted our buzzer that would go off when the food was ready and we returned to our table.

“So, how was the date?” He asks and I smile.

“It was nice. We had a little bit of an unwanted guest but I held it together pretty well.” He looked at me with a questioning look.

“The guy that Harry kind of got close to towards the end of our relationship showed up and took my seat while I was in the bathroom.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. There wasn’t much of a confrontation because that’s not really me, but I think I handled the situation quite well.” Just as I finished my sentence, the buzzer went off.

“I’ll go get it” Jamie states and stands from the table and heads toward the counter and comes back a minute or so later with our food trays in his hands. 

“Thank you” I smile and he nods. We begin to eat our meals.

We continue with small talk for a while and by the time we finished with our food, our conversation has slowed.

“So, I have some news” He states and by his expression I can tell it might be a big deal. My eyes widen slightly and with my napkin I wipe my lips and then give him my full attention.

“Ok” I reply and wait.

“I’m moving this week.” 

“What? To where? This is kind of sudden” I am shocked by the news and to be honest kind of saddened. We just got to a place of friendship and I’ll miss my friend.

“Well, since I’ve finished with my court ordered therapy sessions, I am no longer required to stay in London and I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now and I have decided that I am moving to Australia.”

“Wow. Why so far away?” I am still trying to process this news.

“I have some cousins down there and I need a fresh start, you know. I already have a few job prospects lined up and I don’t know, I just think a move could be a really good thing for me.” He begins to fiddle with his fingers and looks down at his lap. I grab hold of his hands.

“Hey. Look at me. I’m sorry if I’m not taking this as great as you might have hoped. I guess I just was wishing that we could build our friendship up more and hang out and stuff but I am really happy for you and if moving to Australia is what will make you happy then I’m all for it. You do deserve a fresh start. I guess I was just being a bit selfish, wanting to keep you here so I wouldn’t lose a friend.”

“You won’t lose me, Ni. Never. We can talk and text and it’s not like I’ll never come back this way and visit. I do have friends who live here and of course my aunt in Ireland, so I’ll be back.”

“I know. I’m happy for you, really. When are you leaving?”

“Wednesday” My eyes show surprise again.

“Wow. That’s soon. Are you all packed and everything?”

“Yup. Everything is good to go. I just wanted to see you one more time before I left. That’s why I asked you to lunch.”

“Well I am glad you did. I’m going to miss you but I know you’ll have a great time down there.”

“Yeah. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m excited, really. I’ll miss you, too.” He looks at his watch and I know that it is time for me to say goodbye.

“Text me when you get all settled in and call me if you need anything or just want to talk, ok?” I say and wrap my arms around him, tightly. He returns my hug.

“Absolutely.” We pull away. But I still have a hold on his hips.

“While you’re down there, if you happen to come across a guy named Rohan Oaks…”

“The footballer?” he questions

“That’s the guy. If you come across him, please feel free to revert back to the old Jamie and kick his ass for me, yeah?” He lightly laughs and then lifts his left brow.

“He is the guy that caused the final straw to break in Harry and my breakup and he was the unwanted guest at dinner last night. So you’ll do that for me, yeah?” I smile brightly with a hint of sarcasm in my voice.

“Anything for you, Ni.” He ruffles my hair and places a kiss on the side of my head, near my ear. I hug him once more and just as I am about to pull away, I feel his breath hitting my ear. He begins to speak.

“Just though that you should know that for the past thirty minutes we have had someone spying on us. I’m pretty sure it’s Harry and his friend that he is always with.” He pulls away and looks in my eyes and starts to chuckle a bit. He motions his eyes over to where apparently Harry and who I am guessing is Louis are. I roll my eyes, a little annoyed and little amused. I shake my head and kiss Jamie on the cheek.

“Bye, Jamie. Have safe trip.”

“Bye, Ni. I’ll talk to you soon.” We separated and he walked towards the door. He waved to me and then, what I found utterly funny, he called out to Harry.

“Bye Harry” He waved and smiled and left the shop. I looked in the direction of Harry and Louis’ table and stared at them with my hands on my hips. Harry looked startled that Jamie said goodbye to him and Louis looked panicked, knowing that they had been caught.

It was quite a funny sight. They both had hoodies, hats and sunglasses on trying to disguise themselves. I pursed my lips and raised my right eyebrow at Harry as his gaze turned to me. I was at their table in a matter of seconds.

“Really?” I began and they both just looked at me. You could see that they were sorry but also still shocked that they were found out. “You two are ridiculous.” They still haven’t said anything. “Lou, I’ll see you next Saturday at the barbeque and Harry….” I spoke his name firmly and waited for him to look at me. Once his eyes met mine, he lowered his glasses. “We’ll talk about this tonight. I’m going home.” And I turned and walked out of the shop and headed back home; finding the situation more humorous than annoying – but I wanted to have him think that I am mad.

It was just about an hour later when I heard the knock on my front door.

“It’s open!” I yelled. Not giving Harry the satisfaction of getting up and opening the door for him. I heard his feet padding down the hall. I remained in my seat on the couch with my feet up on the coffee table and the remote in my hand. I flicked through the stations and didn’t acknowledge him when I knew he was standing right next to the couch. I kept my face stoic; not showing any emotion. I heard him exhale and then I could feel the couch cushion dip next to me.

He posture was stiff, that much I could tell. His back was completely straight and his hands rested in his lap and his feet were planted on the floor. I remained quiet and making it seem like I was more aware of the t.v. than I was of him, which was far from the truth.

I could smell his cologne and could feel the heat radiating off of his body. He exhaled once more.

“I’m sorry” He murmured. That was all it took for me to crumble. I tossed the remote to the side and swung my leg over his lap and moved so that I was straddling his legs. He looked quite shocked by my movement but held my hips tight anyway.

I leaned down and hovered my lips above his and waited. I licked my bottom lip slightly and then bit on my bottom lip, knowing very well he could never resist me when I did that. He lightly groaned and tightened his grip on my body and pulled me closer and joined his lips to mine.

We stayed in a very intense kiss for a few minutes before I began to pull away.

“It’s about trust, Harry. I trust you and you should trust me” His face softened as he listened to my words.

“I know and I do trust you. I’ve never stopped trusting you. You never did anything to lose my trust. It’s him I don’t trust.” He ended his sentence with a scowl on his face.

“You have to trust my judgment, babe. I trust that Jamie will never hurt me again and you need to trust that I know what I am doing by developing a friendship with him.”

“I know. I get it and I’m sorry.” He grumbled, causing me to smirk.

“But you don’t really have to worry much about Jamie because he is moving to Australia on Wednesday” Harry’s eyes light up a bit but before his smile could reach from ear to ear, I gave him my stern look.

“I will still stay in contact with him and maintain our new friendship. And when he comes back to London to visit his friends, he will visit us, and I say us because I want you to get to know the person he has become. Not the person that he used to be. Deal?” I hold out my hand and wait. I can see him trying to find words to fight me on this but I won’t let him.

“Deal?” I say once more and after a few moments I finally get his response.

“Fine. Deal” He huffs and shakes my hand.

“Great.” I smile and then run my fingertips across his lips. “Now, where were we?” I wink and lean back in.

The week passed quickly and before I knew it, it was Saturday and Harry and I were at my house getting everything ready for our barbeque. Liam, Zayn and Louis should be arriving within the hour.

The barbeque was my idea because we are all getting so busy that we need one last good guy’s day before we all begin the crazy summer months.

Zayn is going on tour. Liam will be doing a lot of promotion for his upcoming album. His is coming out two weeks after mine. I’ll be busy traveling and doing promotion and my video shoot starting next week. Louis is becoming quite the in-demand stylist and has been asked to travel with a pop group on their tour across the UK and Ireland and Harry will be in the studio more, writing and recording. He is planning on releasing a new album in the spring of next year.

Everything is going so fast we barely have time to catch our breath. 

“We’re here!” I can hear Louis’ distinct voice echoing in my entryway and the shuffling of feet in through the door. 

Harry and I exit the kitchen where we were just finishing up the food prep, ready for the grilling. We greet all three of them and then with the food trays in hand we all make our way out on to the back deck.

Harry is manning the grill; Louis and I are having a conversation about some random entertainment gossip while Liam and Zayn are kicking around the football.

I can still hear Louis speaking but my mind and eyes are now with Harry. I am so lucky to have him back in my life. I am lucky to be with him once more and I am sure that he is possibly the best person that I know. Simply perfect for me in every way.

“….Niall…Niall!” I can hear fingers snapping bringing my attention back to Louis. I smile apologetically. He just shakes his head and laughs. “Guess you’re too interested in my best friend to even pay attention to this conversation anymore.” He laughs and kisses my temple and gets up and joins Liam and Zayn. I smile as he walks away and then turn my gaze back to Harry. 

I watch him for a few more minutes before getting up and walking over to him. I wrap my arms around his waist from behind and place a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“I love you, Harry” He leans into my touch and then turns in my arms and places a kiss on my lips.

“I love you too, baby” Another kiss is placed on my lips before he turns his attention back to the food.

Everything is perfect.

 

~EPILOGUE~

~T W O Y E A R S L A T E R~

“Get Ryan for me please. I need him.” Liam looks at me and shakes his head and laughs. “Now, Li. Please”

“Ok, Ok. Just stay calm. I’ll go get him.”

“Thank you” I watch him as he leaves and closes the door behind him. 

I pace back and forth while I wait. I am a bundle of nerves and I feel that I am quite literally minutes away from losing my lunch.

I look in the mirror again for the hundredth time in the past hour while I take another liberal gulp of my champagne. 

“I’m here” I hear his voice and immediate turn and smile and launch myself into his arms.

“What took you so long? I needed you. Liam is no help; he has a clip on tie for crying out loud. Will you please tie mine?” I stand back and hold the tie out for him to take. He chuckles at my desperation and takes the tie from my hands.

“Why didn’t Louis just come and help you? I’m sure he knows what he is doing better than all of us” He states as he wraps the tie around and under the collar of my shirt. He begins to do the loop thing and in a matter of moments he is finished and putting the final touches on making sure that it is straight.

“Louis is obviously with Harry. Zayn is ushering people to their seats and Liam is hopeless. You are a life saver, Ry. Thank you so much.” I place a kiss on his cheek and turn to face the mirror. Giving myself a once over, once more.

“They are ready for you, Ni.” Ryan and I turn our attention to the door and the head poking in.

“Thanks, Will. Sorry I stole Ryan from you but it was necessary.” I say and point to my tie. We all have a chuckle; however mine is filled with nerves.

“We should get back to our seats, babe” Will says to Ryan and takes his hand. 

“Thanks, again.” I say as they exit the room and leave me to myself again. I pace the room for a few more moments and then gather myself and take a deep breath. I open the doors and walk out to the corridor and there he is, waiting for me.

I can’t believe that it is finally here. Harry and my wedding day. He looks absolutely stunning and I am trying my best to keep the tears from falling. We reach each other in no time and just gaze into one another’s eyes.

“You look so handsome, Niall. God, I love you so much.” He brushes away the single tear that slipped out of my eye.

“You look gorgeous, baby. And I love you, too. Are you ready?” I ask and take his hand in mine. We decided that we would walk the aisle together.

“I’ve been waiting for this day forever. Of course I’m ready.” He smiles and places a kiss on my lips and we take our steps towards the aisle.

The reception immediately followed. Our ceremony was absolutely beautiful and Harry and I both got quite weepy during our vows, which we wrote ourselves. We had all of our family and friends here with us to celebrate and the day couldn’t have been more perfect.

Harry and I bought our own house and moved back in together about six months after we started dating again and then six months after that is when he proposed. It was quite romantic. Just the two of us on a beach in Tahiti. He kneeled down on one knee and asked. I could have fallen over from the excitement and without hesitation said yes.

We have been planning the wedding for a year. We wanted to ensure that everyone would be able to make it.

Liam has had much success with his last album and has been very busy touring the world. He also, about six months ago, found a lovely girl whom he calls “the one”. She is so perfect for him and she makes him very happy.

Zayn took a small break after his last tour and started doing some acting. He had a starring role in a very popular film and seems to have caught the acting bug. However, he says his first love is still music. I was also very excited when he proposed to his girlfriend about two months ago. I knew Siobhan was a keeper from the moment I met her.

Louis surprised us all when he met and married Eleanor within the span of eight months. He was the stylist on a photo shoot at which she was one of the print models. Apparently, it was love at first sight. Their wedding was on a beach in Spain just six months ago. They are the epitome of happiness and you can clearly see the love in their eyes when they look at one another. Louis is still styling for his clients but is beginning work on his own clothing line. He is trying to stay in London most of time and I know that is because of the slight baby bump showing through Eleanor’s beautiful dress.

Ryan is still happily dating Will and they really are perfect for one another. They complement each other so nicely. Surprisingly, it wasn’t weird at all when Ryan returned from the states with Will by his side. Harry and I even went on many double dates with them. I was so happy that Harry and Ryan fell back into their friendship easily.

I had wished that Jamie could be here today but sadly he couldn’t make it. We maintained our friendship and have seen each other a couple times since he moved to Australia; Harry by my side at every visit. Jamie certainly had a valid reason for not being able to be here, but I somewhat think that he didn’t want to cause any tension by being here, either. Although Harry has accepted our friendship, my parents and Greg still have the vision of me beaten to a bloody pulp and Jamie running after me while Greg held him back, in their minds.

My family knows of my friendship with him and trust when I say that he is a completely changed man, but I guess I understand where everyone is coming from. However, Jamie has his hands full at the moment. The reason why he was unable to make it is because his daughter has the chicken pox. 

Within the first month that Jamie moved to Sydney, he met a lovely man named Anthony and they hit it off immediately. They both had similar backgrounds and both went through similar struggles in their lives and clicked on a level that he told me he never clicked with anyone before. Anthony had a three year old daughter named Emily when they met. Her mother was never in the picture and when Jamie and Anthony married a year later, Jamie adopted Emily. He is quite the family man. I am so proud of the person he has become.

“Ready for our first dance, baby?” Harry whispers in my ear and I am brought out of my thoughts. I smile at him and place a kiss on his lips. Our guests ‘awe’ and begin to clap.

Harry takes my hands in his. Our platinum wedding bands shining in the lights of the room. We walk to the dance floor.

“So what song did you choose?” I ask and he smiles. Harry wanted to surprise me, so I don’t know exactly what song he has chosen, but I think I might have a pretty good idea.

“I love you, Harry”

“I love you so much, Niall.”

We pull each other close and the music begins. I smile instantly and begin to cry. He kisses my tears away as we start to sway slowly to the melody. We softly begin to sing to one another. Our lips pressed close to each other’s ear.

“…can I be close to you…”


End file.
